Going against the grain food-wise

Cafe Society
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A lot of times, I find myself on the outs. This or that is supposed to be something really great, and I hate it. Or this or that is supposed to be something really horrible, and I love it.

For example, I don’t like my pasta al dente, which apparently is the prefered way. I like it overcooked and mushy. Especially shells or maccaroni. Also, I’m not that crazy about chocolate, no matter how fancy or Belgian it is. I mean it’s okay, but I really don’t understand the almost orgasmic reaction some people have to it.

I’ve admitted before that I like grilled American cheese and Campbell’s condensed tomato soup, both of which seem to be the devil’s spawn to a lot of people.

And finally, sushi? Oh dear God, what has become of us as a civilization? I just truly don’t get it. I can’t even get past the thought of it without gagging.

Does anyone else go against the grain on things like this?

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The thought of it makes me gag, too. The flavor of it, on the other hand, I love. So I try not to think about it as I enjoy that vinegary ricey goodness.

I LOVE American cheese grilled cheese sandwiches and Campbell’s tomato soup, although I do add fresh basil to the soup. I also, I admit, enjoy the occasional can of Spaghetti-O’s. What? It tastes good!

I think that boxed mashed potatoes aren’t bad. They aren’t real mashed potatoes, but neither is rice, and I like that too. They are a distinct yet enjoyable side dish.

I love Knorr (used to be Lipton) Stroganoff noodles - the kind that come in the envelope. So lowbrow, I know, but so, so yummy. All that MSG and sodium - mmmmmmm!

Caviar? Yuck. And yes, I have tried it, several kinds. It tastes like lumpy semen.

Dark chocolate. Eew. Okay, dark chocolate dipped candied orange peels are acceptable, but plain dark chocolate - might as well huff a can of cocoa powder. Milk chocolate for me, thanks.

Zucchini/summer squash and any near relatives (except for cucumbers) just make me gag. It seems like they’re in every recipe in every trendy cooking magazine from May until October. I’m trying to get over it, and I can now eat them without literally throwing up, but I’d prefer not to.

Raw mushrooms. Ick. It’s a texture thing. I actually prefer canned or well cooked mushrooms. Raw mushrooms are like eating dry sponges.

And that pretty much wraps up the list of things I don’t like. I’m not at all a picky eater, I enjoy nearly all foods, and those I don’t like are pretty easy to avoid.

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I’m vegan, which means that most of the foods people rave over (angus beef, prime rib, bacon) make me green. When I ate meat I hated shrimp, which, judging by the amount of all-you-can-eat seafood buffets around here, plenty of people like. Something about the texture was too much like eating a tounge. And the idea that there’s a poop chute in there that you’re munching up…ugh.

I also don’t like ranch dressing. Too feety.

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I’m a vegetarian, but I couldn’t eat shellfish if you put a gun to my head. It tastes like something that has gone bad.

The way most people are about chocolate is the way I am about white chocolate and vanilla.

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The best steaks I’ve ever had were cooked by my father-in-law on his backyard grill. My husband and I ate at Ruth Chris once because we had a gift card and were so disappointed because it was only okay, and definitely not as good as FIL’s. My SIL agrees. Every time I tell people this, they say it’s impossible because steakhouses can get higher-quality steaks than grocery stores, and Jesus and Superman come down from Heaven and cook them in a special magic steak box, etc., but I don’t care. They don’t taste nearly as good as my father-in-law’s steaks, period. $100 steaks can kiss my ass.

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I eat pickled beets like candy and cherry tomatoes like fruit. Licorice is quite possibly my favorite kind of confectionary (I ate an entire bag of allsorts while watching *Transformers * recently) and I really, really want to try salmiak. My favorite salads are chock full of fruits and vegetables but contain nothing leafy and no meat or cheese.

Salty vanilla ice cream and cantaloupe is the best dessert ever.

I’m pretty indifferent to chocolate as well.

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When I get a sub, hoagie, hero, sandwich, etc. I prefer them with just meat, cheese, and vegetables on the bread. Absolutely no mayo, mustard, oil-vinegar, dressing, sauce, etc. Not only do I prefer them that way I will actually refuse to eat them if they do have any of that stuff on them.
You’d think I was from Mars the way some people look at me for this. “What?! You want it dry? Are you sure? I could put some butter on it for you?”

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I thought you agreed to leave my private life out of this.

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I’m not nuts about dark chocolate, either. To… hot, I think. And I dodn’t like chocolate anything except chocolate. Not cake, shakes, or anything like that. Brownies are OK. I’m pretty indifferent to fudge.

Other than that, I’m pretty “normal.” Campbell’s soup is crap, shellfish is food of the gods. Jello salad is a crime against humanity.

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I want my (medium-rare if at home) cheeseburgers to have mayonnaise, pickles, onions and mustard, and that’s IT. Get away from me with the lettuce and tomatoes and catsup.

I don’t mind hot dogs, but I’d MUCH prefer polish sausage, and all I want on it (or dogs) is mayonnaise and mustard which has already gotten me branded a hopeless weirdo here before. One of the reasons I despise “Chicago-style” hot dogs is all the crap they pile on them.

I make home-made egg salad with hard-boiled eggs, home-made mayonnaise, finely chopped celery, finely chopped black olives, salt, pepper and paprika. I think there are a lot of other ingredients I should/could be putting in there but this is how I like it.

I like cream cheese and jello. Yes, I know.

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I’m not a big fan of pasta at all. The only types I really like are filled pastas, like canneloni and ravioli. Most other variations are just a load of bland stuff taking up room that could be filled with actual food. And traditional favorites like spaghetti and lasagne are way down on the list of things I look forward to eating.

I’m also not really a dessert person. I like a good piece of pie or cheesecake, but I don’t want it after a meal. Those huge “Death by Brownie Mudpie” types of desserts make me queasy just thinking about them.

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Love grilled cheese sandwiches, love dark chocolate.

Hate tomato soup. Hate all those fancy-schmancy greens they try to sneak into salads and call “peppery” or whatever on cooking shows – if I wanted to graze on oak leaves I’d go join the damn deer out back, give me some Iceberg lettuce with some crunch, damnit!

Now that I am no longer a starving teenager (or 20- or 30-something, for that matter), most fast food holds no appeal. Seeing goofy tv ads for whatever new bizzare 1-lb.+ meat-and-starch concoction that Taco Hell or Pizzle Hut are trying to shill just turns my stomach, now.

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Forgot to mention, I like my steaks well done. Yes, I know what I’m missing. Yes, I know that No True Chef would cook a steak for me “that way”. And yes, I know I’m going to hell. But I don’t care. I want my steak cooked through and through.

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What’s the big deal with guacamole? It’s just bland goo. As far as I can tell, avocados have no flavor whatsoever, and the texture is disgusting. What do people see in this stuff?

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Sushi. To quote an old commercial, “Where I come from, we call that bait!”

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I’m oft looked at with a peculiar eye when I slather peanut butter onto a hamburger. Don’t knock it until you’ve tried it.

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Properly made guacamole is transcendant. Most of the stuff served in restaurants is green library paste.

Sushi is bait. Champagne is piss. Sauternes is sweet piss. Lobster is cardboard used to transfer clarified butter to your mouth.

The ultimate comfort food is a grilled cheese sandwich and tomato soup.

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Together? I believe we can have you burned at the stake for that.

I like well-done steaks too. I have a special dispensation to like them because I am a Texan.

I also hate all those extra weeds people like to put in salads. Most of them are too bitter, and I’m sensitive to bitter flavors.

I don’t like tomato soup much, but if you add milk, cream of tomato is very soothing.

When I’m sick, Campbell’s Chicken Noodle-Os is my must-have food. Not any old chicken soup, not even Campbell’s Chicken Noodle or Chicken and Stars. It has to be the Os. I always have two or three cans in the pantry Just In Case. The rest of the time, I prefer better soups, but when I’m sick I’m four years old.

Guacamole non-believers: I make some kickass, flavorful guacamole. A friend of mine who is mildly allergic to avocados is willing to risk getting hives to eat it.

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Caesar Salad. Everyone seems to love it. I hate it.

Vegetables on pizza. No way. I like vegetables just fine, and I eat plenty. But not on my pizza, thank-you. And no BBQ chicken, either.

Sushi is about the only thing I don’t eat at a Japanese restaurant. I love the sashimi, but I don’t like wasabi (which it pretty much on all sushi)-- it tastes like iodine to me.

Good pancakes should not be adulterated with syrup of any kind (even the best maple). Just gobs of melted butter-- put on each pancake in the stack, not just on top. If you make me some pancakes sometime, and I put syrup on them, consider your cooking skills to have been insulted. (Unfortunately, I don’t eat them very often since the only way I like them is very unhealthy.)

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I eat almost everything plain. I’m the “plain and dry guy.” Burgers, cheese only, plain and dry. Hot dogs equal “dry dogs”. Nothing on tacos, just meat and a shell, thanks. Pizza, pepperoni only, nothin’ else. Sandwiches, just meat and cheese, that’s it. Lettuce and tomato? Hell no. If I wanted a salad, I would have ordered a salad. Plain and dry. Thank you.

Cold meat kinda freaks me out, too. How do people eat that? With the cold jelly-like slime all over it? Yick. Nuke my sandwich, please.