No, my spouse is just fine, but I was thinking about all the crap on my computer and all the crap on her’s and stated to wonder just how closely I should search through her effects if she were to pass away. There may be one or two things I’d rather she not see on my computer, maybe a little porn in a box in the basement that there is no need for her to know about. I don’t have any reason to think she has untold secrets. But then, because I don’t think we have secrets, I would be that much more shocked to find anything surprising. I really don’t think my wife would have an online romance, for example, but I also don’t want to find out if she did after she is gone.
Anyway, one day either my wife or I will go first. Let’s say my wife goes first, suddenly. Should I search her computer thoroughly, read all the emails? There might be pictures, important financial stuff, bills to pay, tax forms, emails that need replying. Or should I just wipe the disk? Should I search every box in the house, look through all the papers. Is there a middle gound?
I know someone is going to tell me I should talk this out with my wife. Done. Except I can’t tell her not to look in the directory named “nasty porn that would shock my wife.”
One option might be to have someone that you trust, like a sibling or child go through it. They could give you everything you’d want and toss the rest.
Why? Seriously, your spouse will be dead. None of thjis will effect them in any way. All this can do will get them paranoid about what they keep. " How will it look if shiftless finds out about this and I’m not around to explain it?"
I disagree. Just because someone is dead doesn’t mean that the relationship that one has with them is static. New things can come up, or simply new ways of thinking about things, and it can change how we relate to that person. Moreso, anything that could come up after someone is dead that would be worth dealing with then is even more worth dealing with now because it affects both of you, not just the surviving one.
Either way, it’s not about someone worrying about how they will be seen after they’re dead, it’s more about how much they care about that person and how much some revelation may shock them. For instance, imagine one has some hidden shocking material (like some bizarre or illegal porn fetish). It could very well hurt one’s surviving spouse to learn that that level of trust she thought was there wasn’t, and then leaves her questioning that large portion of her life. Or it could leave her hurt that he was really someone other than than he presented himself to be and leave her wondering about what other lies.
And that all said, if one really is worried about running into some deep dark secret, that could illustrate some existing issues. Or if there’s something that you know you don’t want your spouse to see, maybe one should find a way to raise the issue or simply decide if its something best gotten rid of now. For instance, do you really need that porn collection that would shock your wife? Surely, she probably knows somehow that you some somewhere, so you don’t really need to bring it up to her. Maybe you if decide you can live without it, you could simply express some love for her by getting rid of it now so she’ll never have to deal with that added shock, especially in a time of grief. Or for something else, like maybe a secret online romance… well, there’s larger issues there.
I recently went through this. I have gone through everything she owned, I suppose because I was hoping I would find something to ease my pain. I have searched her computer, gone through her files and sorted through all her keepsakes. I don’t feel like I violated any confidences, and I didn’t find anything that would tarnish my wife’s memory. To the contrary, I found many little things that only strengthened my feelings for her. She kept every little thing from our courtship; from concert tickets and ballgame stubs, to valentines and cards from flowers long wilted. She even had the original profile I wrote for the dating site we met on.
I suppose I hoped to find some sort of goodbye, but that was not to be. But I didn’t find anything she would not have wanted me to see. Maybe that’s a tribute to how she lived her life. I probably don’t live up to that standard.
If something like that happened, I’d fully expect my SO to go through everything. I don’t really keep stuff around that would hurt him after I go, I admit. I keep things for a while and delete them.
Thank you Fear Itself. That was a heart warming story and it made me look at the concept in a different light. I was only picturing a person stumbling on bad things in a sea mundane papers and emails. I hadn’t considered the good to be found.
I really can’t imagine myself going through all the junk that has accumulated around us in the last 25 years, so there must be some set of stuff that gets pitched without looking. I can’t even clean out my own old emails and I know she doesn’t either.
For the porn angle it’s probably easier for husbands than wives. I’ve heard anecdotes from computer repair guys that most men from 12 to 90 year olds have a porn stash somewhere on their comp, while women rarely do.
If the other person isn’t there to defend themselves I don’t think you should jump to the most cynical conclusion possible. Just because they have a bunch of racist bookmarks doesn’t mean they’ve been a secret racist all these years and you just haven’t noticed. Maybe it’s for entertainment, curiosity, or trolling purposes. And really, how far do you want to look? If they’re trying to hide convos from you they’re probably going to have a secret e-mail addy. Are you going to look through all their cookies to find it?
I guess I don’t understand the concept of a “porn collection” in 2011. There’s the internet, you go watch whatever you want to watch, and when you’re done it’s still out there on the internet. What’s the point of copying it to a folder on your computer? I can’t imagine porn so compelling that you want to look at a particular one over and over, unless you’ve got tastes so specific that you almost never find porn that features your particular interest.
I was waiting for a debate to show up, here, (since Dopers can argue about anything), but this has remained pretty much an opinion seeking thread, so I will move it to IMHO.
The trick is to encrypted it (Truecrypt, or the like) with a unique passphrase. Hidden folders can easily be found with a search, AES256 is somewhat harder to penetrate.
I would absolutely 100% go through my husband’s computer. He has about five written novels on there at the moment, plus all his short stories and other works in progress. There would be the potential of publishing some of that post-humously, or maybe passing it over to another writer to complete. I’d also need to complete his final accounts so I’d have to go through his emails to see what work he’d been doing that is now owed (as well as being an author he has a ‘day job’ as a freelancer).
I’d also expect him to go through my computer if the situation were reversed. Not that there’s much there, I’m pretty ruthless at deleting stuff and there’s absolutely nothing sentimental on there!
There’s always a risk of discovering something unpleasant in situations like these. I’m not married myself, but your question reminded me of this really sad scene in About Schmidt. Jack Nicholson’s wife dies shortly after his forced retirement, and he’s totally lost without her (oh goddamn it’s such a sad movie D: D: D: but I love it). Anyway, he’s going through her stuff and finds a stack of letters. He learns that she had an affair with a friend of his a long time ago, while he was on a business trip. He gets pissed and throws away a lot of her stuff. But the fact that he learned that about her caused him to question himself–like how he was emotionally distant and drove her away. It was a hurtful betrayal, of course. But I don’t think it necessarily destroyed his life. It seemed actually to galvanize him with anger and help him get over her sooner. And he faced head-on some responsibility, for having maybe been at least a little responsible for not paying enough attention to her. (Of course Hollywood isn’t real life, but it seemed like a pretty realistic reaction to me.)
Most people are not contenders for sainthood. I don’t know anybody who doesn’t have at least one secret from their spouse. Most are not as big as an infidelity. But still, I think it would be worth the risk of discovering something unpleasant, because you might also find out something really cool.
