Quick! I need golf jokes, toot-sweet! Any degree of length, taste, or decency!
Got any?
A young guy, middle aged guy, and old guy are all getting ready for their round when they find out that a single has been added to their group to make a foursome. They are disappointed until they see that the single is about the most beautiful, voluptuous woman they have ever seen. Well, this woman can also play too. She is parring hole after hole, along with some birdies and a few bogies. They get to the last hole and the woman hits an iron to 10 feet from the hole. If she makes the 10 footer, she will shoot 71. Excited, she says “Oh my God. I’ve never shot under par before! I’m too nervous to line this putt up. Whoever gives me the best read, well, I’ll give you a night you won’t soon forget.”
The young and middle aged guy practically trample each other getting out of the cart. After much crouching, lining up, and calculating, the young guy comes back and says “OK. It’ll break about 6 inches left and it’s downhill pretty steep, so don’t hit it too hard”.
The middle aged guy, who has been even more meticulous lining it up comes back and says “No, no, it’ll break about a foot to the left and it’s only a little bit downhill.”
Meanwhile, the old guy hasn’t left the cart the whole time. The woman comes up to him and asks: “Aren’t you going to look at it? You’re the most experienced player out here. I’ll bet you’d give the best read”
The old guy looks over at the green for about 2 seconds, takes the cigar out of his mouth and croaks:
“It’s a gimme. Your place or mine?”
ya know, you can find most anything in Google…but the where’s the fun there? I want to know what jokes Dopers have. I trust their judgement…for the most part.
A young married couple tee off the 14th. His shot goes off the fairway and lands about 6ft in front of a gardeners shed. They go up to inspect the lie of the ball.
There’s no getting around it; the shed’s in the way. The wife says:
“Darling, if I open the front and back doors of the shed, I think there’s a good chance you can play through.”
“Great idea” agrees the husband.
So she goes into the shed and holds both doors open. The husband takes quite a time lining up his shot. So much so, that the wife sticks her head round the door just as he hits a mighty smash. The ball hits her bang in the middle of the forehead, and she collapses. Stone Dead.
Three years later and the husband has remarried, funnily enough to another golfer. They’re on the same course, at the 14th hole, and the guy hits the exact same tee shot.
So they walk up to the ball. The new wife says “Darling, if I hold both doors open I think you can probably play through”
“Absolutely NOT!” he shouted.
“But why on earth not?” asked the wife.
“Well, the last time I tried that, I triple-bogied the hole…”…
Boom Boom.
Max Carnage and I were playing golf last weekend and it was a close match. On the 17th he’s one down, but lining up a six foot putt to tie when a funeral procession drives by.
Max drops his putter, takes off his hat and stands for a moment of silence.
“Max: you’re a tough bastard, but that was the single nicest thing I’ve ever seen you do,” quoth I.
“It was the least I could do,” replies Max. “We’d have been married 25 years next Thursday.”
Anyway,
Two golfers are out on a very well done course. Standing at the first hole they look over at the small river that runs the length of the first fairway. One of the golfers turns to the other and points at two guys standing by the river.
“Look at those two idiots over there fishing in the middle of a thunderstorm.”
One more, and I’m off home…
Junior nun goes to Mother Superior for confession…
JN: Mother, forgive me. I have blasphemed terribly.
MS: Now now, my child, tell me about it. God will forgive you.
JN: Well, Sister Fallopia and I were playing golf last week. I was playing particularly well, when I hit my tee shot on the 11th. The ball travelled wonderfully, but hit a powerline and dropped 70 yards short of where it should have…
MS: Is that when you blasphemed, my child?
JN: No, mother. As soon as the ball hit the ground, a wild rabbit scurried from the rough, and picked it up, running away from the hole…
MS: Is that when you blasphemed, my child?
JN: No, mother. As the rabbit ran off, a large eagle swooped down, picked up the rabbit by the neck, and flew away…
MS: Is that when you blasphemed, my child?
JN: No, mother; as the eagle flew away it flew towards the hole. The rabbit let go of the ball and it landed 6 inches from the pin.
Mother Superior thinks for a while, and says…
MS: You missed the F***ing putt, didn’t you!
(apologies to Nuns etc. It’s just a joke)
(Oh, and Mooney’s was the funniest I’ve heard for a long while…)
Sorry Simetra, didn’t mean to annoy you. Yes, I know it’s French, and I know how to spell it but that spelling just has a certain…joonay-say-kwah.
A guy shows up at the golf course with a gorilla.
The pro runs out to the tee and says “We don’t allow gorillas on the course!”
The man replies, “I have spent many years teaching my gorilla to golf and I would bet that he’s a better golfer than you.”
The pro says, “That can’t be possible…”
Man: "I’ll wager $1000.00 my gorilla can beat you… "
The pro takes the man up on his offer and lets the gorilla hit first. The gorilla hits the ball 450 yards and leaves it 6 inches from the pin. The pro throws his hands up in the air and says, "You win, here’s your $1000.00, have a nice round.
The man and his gorilla start off down the course and the pro asks, “Your gorilla hits a mean driver, how well can he putt?”
The man replies, “Just like he drives… 450 yards.”
Two golfers were sitting at the 19th hole discussing their games this year when one says to the other,
“My game is so bad this year I had to have my ball retriever regripped!”
What’s the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver?
A bad golfer goes: WHACK…“Damn”! A bad Skydiver goes: “Damn”!..WHACK.
Q: What is the difference between a lost golf ball and the G-spot?
A: A man will spend 5 minutes looking for the lost golf ball
The other day I was playing golf and I hit two of my best balls.
I stepped on a rake.
These were cut ‘n’ paste (I’m too lazy to re-rtype 'em), but they’re some of my favs:
===
Moses, Jesus and an old man went golfing one day.
On the ninth hole, the green was located at the top of a hill surrounded by a lake on three sides. Moses hit an awesome drive that bounced off the front of the green and into the middle of the lake. No problem. Moses walked to the top of the hill and raised his arms. The waters parted, he walked through on dry land and chipped his ball back onto the green.
Then Jesus, too, hit an unbelievable drive. It bounced off the back of the green and into the middle of the lake. No problem. Jesus walked across the water, raised his hands, the ball came to the surface, and Jesus chipped his ball back onto the green.
Finally, the old man took his shot. His ball bounced off the green and headed for the middle of the lake. But just before it hit the water, a huge fish leaped high into the air and grabbed his ball in its mouth. Then, just before the fish landed back in the water, a giant eagle swooped out of the sky, siezed the fish in its talons and flew away. As the eagle was flying over the green, a brilliant bolt of lightning streaked down and zapped the eagle. The eagle dropped the fish onto the green, where the ball popped out of the fish’s mouth and rolled into the hole.
Jesus looked at the old man and said: “If you’re gonna show off, Dad, we’re not gonna bring you along anymore!”
===
A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed-off and watched in horror as the ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. Indeed, the ball hit one of the men and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. She then explained that she was a physical therapist and offered to help ease his “pain.”
“Please allow me to help, I am a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you’d just allow me!” She told him earnestly. “Ummph, oooh, nnnoo, I’ll be alright…I’ll be fine in a few minutes,” he replied as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch.
The woman takes it upon herself to begin to “ease his pain”. She began to massage his groin.
After a few moments she asked, “does that feel better?” The man looked up at her and replied, “yes, that feels pretty good … but my thumb still hurts like hell!”
Two men, having just met in the pro-shop, are enjoying a round of golf. At the third tee box, they notice a two women teeing off on the fifth. Within 3 holes, they are starting to push the women and after 2 more holes are waiting on every shot. Frustrated, one of the men says, “This is wearing me out, i’m gonna run up there and tell them to either speed up or let us play through.” He jumps in the cart and drives towards the women. Curiously, when he gets within 100ft of the women, he suddenly turns the cart around and races back. Anwering the puzzled look on the other’s face he says, “Yow, that’s my wife AND my mistress!” With a knowing grin the other golfer volunteers to deliver the message.
Again, when the second man gets within 100ft of the women, he suddenly turns around and returns saying simply, “small world.”
There’s only one thing that pisses me off about lesbians: They get all the pussy they want and STILL get to hit off the reds.
Two lame churchy ones:
(1) A priest skips chuch one Sunday morning. St. Peter says to God, “God, a Father has skipped church on Sunday morning. That’s pretty serious, don’t you think you should punish him?”
“You’re right,” God says. “I’ll get him on the next hole.”
So the priest steps up to the tee–it’s a 500 yard par 5, the longest and hardest hole on the course. The priest pulls out his driver, and lo and behold, it’s the best drive ever–superhuman even. The ball bounces three times and goes in for a hole-in-one.
St. Peter is puzzled. “How is that punishment, God? That’s probably the greatest golf shot ever.”
God said, “Who’s he gonna tell?”
(2) A priest and a nun are playing golf. The priest misses an easy putt. “Damn it! I missed!” he shouts.
“You shouldn’t curse like that,” the nun says. “It makes God angry.”
The very next hole, he does it again. The nun says, “God will strike you down if you keep cursing.”
But for the third straight hole, the priest misses a putt, and shouts “Damn it, I missed!” The nun says, “That’s it. God’s really mad now,” as clouds begin to well up.
A bolt of lightning flashes down, hitting and killing the nun. A voice from up in the clouds says, “Damn it, I missed.”
This could be either an engineer joke or a golf joke. Today its a golf joke.
So a priest, a rabbi, and an engineer are playing golf. They’re doing pretty well until they come up behind a group of three that is just plain terrible. They’re hitting balls into the rough, facing the wrong way, putting all over the green, just terrible.
The priest sees a groundskeeper nearby and asks him if he knows why these terrible golfers are allowed onto the course.
“Well sir,” says the groundskeeper, “those men are firemen who saved our club president’s house from burning to the ground. But while they were fighting the fire, they were all blinded. So he lets play any time they want for free.”
“I’m terribly sorry,” says the priest. “These brave souls certainly deserve our compassion and understanding.”
“I agree,” says the rabbi.
“Why can’t they play at night” says the engineer.
And another …
A man comes home from his usual golf outing several hours late. His wife confronts him at the door and demands to know where he’s been.
“Honey, I’ve gotta confess. As we were sitting around after the game, the most beautiful women I had ever seen came into the bar. Well, before I knew it we were flirting and talking and then I found myself with her at a motel having amazing sex. But know that I’m home, I am filled with regret and I hope you will forgive me.”
“Don’t give me that. You played a second round didn’t you.”
Wait wait there’s more …
A man comes home late from his golf outing with his friend Harry. When his wife asks him what took him so long, he replies.
“Well, we were on the 9th hole, getting ready to tee off, when Harry has a heart attack.”
“My God, that’s terrible.”
“Yeah, the rest of the day was hit the ball, drag Harry, hit the ball, drag Harry.”
Thank you, thank you, I’m here all week. Try the veal.
A husband and wife were out playing golf. They tee off and one drive goes to the right and one drive goes to the left. The wife finds her ball in a patch of buttercups. She grabs a club and takes a mighty swing at the ball. She hits a beautiful second shot, but in the process she hacks the hell out of the buttercups.
Suddenly a woman appears out of nowhere. She blocks her path to her golfbag and looks at her and says, “I’m Mother Nature, and I don’t like the way you treated my buttercups. From now on, you won’t be able to stand the taste of butter. Each time you eat butter you will become physically ill to the point of total nausea.” The mystery woman then disappears as quickly as she appeared.
Shaken, the wife calls out to her husband “Hey, where’s your ball?”
“It’s over here in the pussy willows.”
The wife screams back, “DON’T HIT THE BALL!!! DON’T HIT THE BALL!!!”
A man walks into his local watering hole with a bandage across his nose.
The bartender asks him, “What happened to your nose?”
The man says, “Well, I went golfing Saturday, and got hooked up with a single woman as a twosome. We got out to the seventh, and both of us hooked our shots into a cow pasture.”
“I’m walking around, looking for my ball, and I see that this cow has got a ball lodged in its vagina. I lift its tail and see that it’s a Titleist #9, and I’m playing a Spalding #3. So I yell to her, ‘Hey, lady, does this look like yours?’”
The bartender asks, “And then the cow kicked you?”
“No, she hit me in the face with a fucking nine iron.”
:rimshot:
Travelling Golfers (originally teller is forever lost in the annals of time…)
Well 4 travelling salesmen are out golfing together and after a long game they reach the 15th hole and as the first salesman reaches the tee there is the unmistakable ring of a cell phone, reaching into his pocket he pulls out his wallet and flips it out, beginning to talk into it, “No! Look, I’m on the cell phone… fine, I will - bye.” Putting his wallet back he smiles as the other salesmen comment on the novelty of his wallet phone. Teeing off it is a decent shot in the fairway.
The second salesman reaches the tee and sets up just to hear the tones of Beethoven’s fifth ring from his shirt pocket, he relaxes from his stance and pulls a pen from his pocket. Untwisting the pen and putting one piece by his ear and one by his mouth he begins answering the phone. “No hon, I’m on the tee, I can’t talk right… LOOK I can’t talk. Bye.” And he puts the pen back together and slips it back in his pocket. Setting up for his shot he too smiles at the jabber from the other salesmen. After a decent shot he steps off the tee.
Well now the third salesman gets up, looking a little chagrined at the challenge of matching the other guys, and just as he is in the backswing there is a digital beep beep beep. Freezing in that position he looks up to the sky and says “Hello? Yeah, it works great, yes I can hear you. Anyways, I’m golfing, call me later.” And without pausing as he finished talking he continued his backswing and shot a wonderful line drive down the fairway. Muttering to himself he ignored the now silent salesmen in awe of his invisible phone. Finally he felt the need to expound so he explained, “I had a little mic installed behind my teeth and a speaker in my ear, unfortunately it only receives.”
Well now the fourth salesmen was tempted to just pass on the hole but he decided not to and after he had set up for his tee shot he was aiming when suddenly he ripped a HUGE fart, he veritably dove off the green sprinting for the nearest woods. While his partners looked on bewildered he yelled over his shoulder, “It’s a fax!!!”
rim shot
I got this one in the mail yesterday. Thanks, P.T.!
Tiger Woods drives his Mercedes Benz into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside. The attendant at the pump greets him in a typically relaxed Irish manner, completely unaware of who the golfing legend is.
“Top of the mornin’ to yer, son” says the attendant.
Tiger nods a quick “hello” and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.
“What are dey den, son?” asks the attendant.
“They’re called tees” replies Tiger.
“Well, what on de good earth are dey for?” inquires the Irishman.
“They’re for resting my balls on when I’m driving”, says Tiger."Feckin
“Jaysus”, says the Irishman, “Dem boys at Mercedes tink of everything”
A man and a woman are golfing on a private course, when the wife hooks a shot right through the picture window of an estate on the 9th green.
The man and woman walk over, shaking their heads. How will they ever pay to repair the window?
Looking in, they see a man standing next to a broken bottle of whiskey.
“I am a genie, and I was trapped for 1,000 years. Your golf ball released me from my prison. I have three wishes to grant. But since I was imprisoned for so long, I would like to keep one for myself and give you each a wish.”
The man thinks, and says, “Okay, I want my bank account to always read $10,000,000, no matter how much I spend.”
The genie snaps his fingers. “Done.”
The wife says, “I would like a mansion in every country in the world.”
The genie snaps his fingers. “Done. Now for my wish, since I have been trapped in that bottle for 1,000 years, I would like to make love to your wife. It’s been so long.”
The man looks at his wife, and they agree. It’s the least they could do. So the genie takes the wife upstairs and makes mad passionate love to her for hours. It’s the best sex she ever had.
Afterward, the genie asks, “How old is your husband?”
“35,” says the wife.
“Hmmm. And he still believes in genies?.”