I’m putting them together because an old favorite involves both and can be told from either perspective.
Two guys are up on the green on the 7th hole and look over at nearby lake where they see two guys fishing in a boat.
One golfer to the other: “Look at those idiots fishing in the rain!”
Albert and Harold had both worked hard, retired early and had been golfing partners for over 40 years. Every day, rain or shine, they played at least 18 holes. On Wednesday afternoon, as they were playing the 8th hole - a short, dog-leg right par 4 that plays along MacGillicuddy Road - they noticed a funeral procession slowly making it’s way by. Albert immediately stopped his pre-putt routine, stood tall and put his hat over his heart. He stood that way until the last vehicle in the procession was out of sight, then calmly sunk his par putt. As they got back in the cart Harold said “Ya know, Albert, we’ve been playing golf every day for 40 years and I never knew you were an old softy”. Albert looked you from the scorecard and said “Some things are more important than a par putt, Harold, and this was one. After all, I was married to her for 50 years.”
A pastor is an avid golfer. He plays two to three times a week.
There is a stretch of several weeks where it rains hard every day. He hasn’t been able to play golf.
Sunday dawns sunny and warm, a hint of a breeze. He decides to play hooky from the sermon and drive over to the next town where no one knows him to play a round of golf.
First hole, he tees up, gets a hole in one.
Second hole, he tees up, gets a hole in one.
He gets a hole in one on all eighteen holes.
Angel Gabriel turns to God in shock. “Lord, this man, the shepherd of your flock, blows off preaching your word to play golf and you reward him with the best round of golf ever to be played in the history of the game?”
“Ah, yes,” God says. “But who is he going to tell?”
Unlike a baker’s dozen, which is 13, the fisherman’s tendency to boast and lie means the fisherman’s dozen is 9 fish.
Similarly, the fisherman’s foot is a fish that isn’t really a foot long, even after the fisherman steps on it.
“Yo, Cyrus, how’d you do out there? You fool any big ones?”
“Eh, not bad, Lem. I caught a dozen, and four of 'em were over a foot long!”
“Tell me, lad, do you mean a fisherman’s dozen, and a fisherman’s foot long?”
“You saw right through me, Lem, but they’ll fry up nice.”
Penned by Oliver Faltz, which is me.
A man was golfing with his wife. On one hole he hooked his drive badly and, to his dismay, the ball rolled off the fairway next to a large barn so that the barn was directly between the ball and the green.
His wife noticed that the barn had doors on each end and that if both were open, the golfer could play straight through the barn and get back on track. He opened the closest door while his wife opened the door on the other side.
She waited there beside the opposite door and was surprised how long her husband was taking. finally she poked her head around the door jamb to look. At precisely that moment, the golfer hit the ball which hit his wife in the forehead and killed her instantly.
A few weeks later the same man was playing the same hole with a friend and hit his ball into exactly the same spot. His friend noticed the barn doors and suggested opening them.
“No way!” The golfer said, “last time I did that, I got a seven on this hole.”
Sven and Ole are out fishing one day when Sven catches a magic fish. “Release me,” says the fish, “and I will grant you a wish!”
Sven thinks for a moment and says, “I’d kinda like it if this lake was filled with beer.” He released the fish and as it struck the water, the water transformed to beer.
Sven thinks for another moment and says, “Well, now I guess we gotta pee in the boat.”
Jesus and Moses are playing golf. Jesus tees off first, and hooks the drive. As the ball is headed toward the trees, a raven flies out, catches the ball in mid-air, and flies straight down the fairway. The raven lands in a tree near the green and lets go of the ball. Just as the ball drops, a squirrel runs out from the trees and the ball lands squarely on his back. The squirrel scampers across the green and just as he is passing the cup, the ball rolls off his back and into the cup.
Moses turns to Jesus and says “Look. Are you going to screw around or are you going to play golf?”
An oldie (I first heard it in the 70s)
Jesus and Moses are playing golf. Moses picks up a 5 iron, swings… ball flies high and lands in the water. Moses comes up, parts the water, swings, gets it to the green.
Jesus picks a 5 iron. Moses tells him look, you can’t use a 5 iron here, use a 4. Jesus says “I saw Arnold Palmer do it with a 5 iron, I can too.”
Jesus swings, ball flies high, lands in the water. Jesus walks up and walks on water to get to the ball.
A couple of golfers are passing by, see Jesus walking on water, turn to Moses and say: “What does this guy think he is, Jesus Christ?”
“No,” answers Moses, rolling his eyes, “he thinks he’s Arnold Palmer.”
Give a man a fish and he’ll be fed for a day. Teach a man to fish and he’ll be gone every weekend.
If you’re out on the links and you see lightning, hold up your 1-iron. Even God can’t hit a 1-iron.
Grandson, son and grandpa are out playing golf and a woman drives up in her cart and asks if she can play with them. They consent, and she says “but please, no advice. I’m new to golf and would prefer to just learn from my own mistakes”. They play their round, and the woman is surprisingly good. On the 18th green she has a very long putt. “I know I said I didn’t want advice”, she tells the guys, “but on this one, I’d really like to make this putt, so whoever gives me advice that gets me this putt will get a blow job”. The grandson walks up to her, looks at the putt and tells her to aim 6 feet off the cup to the right so it’ll break towards the hole. The son looks a the putt, and tells her to power it through the break and take the curve out of the putt. Grandpa looks at the putt and says “That’s good!”
I stole this one from George Carlin:
Give a man a fish, and you’ll feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish, and he’ll sit in a boat and drink beer all weekend.
“That’s good” = it’s a gimme.
A priest, a minister and a rabbi are on a fishing trip. They get out on the water and the priest goes, “Oh darn, I forgot the picnic basket!” so he proceeds to step out of the boat and walk to shore, grabs the picnic basket and comes back out to the boat. The rabbi looks on in bewilderment.
The minister looks around as he’s about to cast and realizes, “I forgot the tackle box!” He also proceeds to get out of the boat and walk to shore, grabs the tackle box and heads back to the boat. The rabbi is absolutely shocked at this point.
Finally, the rabbi turns to the priest and minister and says, “I forgot the bait.” He steps out of the boat and splashes around in the water.
The priest turns to the minister and says, “You forgot to show him where the stepping stones are, didn’t you?”
Golfer at confession says to the priest: “Forgive me father - I have sinned.”
“What was your sin, my son?”
“I used the ‘F’ word.”
“What were the circumstances, my son?”
“Club championship, 18th hole. I’m playing the best golf of my life - all I need is a par to win the whole thing. I’d been driving the ball straight as an arrow all day, but I stepped up and sliced my tee shot into those woods on the right.”
“And this was when you used the word, my son?”
“No Father - I knew those woods were fairly open and I wound up with a decent lie. I hit a sweet little knock-down 3-iron that stayed under the branches and was curving nicely toward the green, but just short of the fringe it hit a tuft of grass and kicked left into the sand trap.”
“And this was when you used the word, my son?”
“No, Father - I’m pretty good out of the sand. I had a clean lie, but I knew I had to hit it just right: past the hole the green slopes down to that little pond. I caught it cleanly, but a bit too solid - it was right on line, but I could tell it was going to take that slope and run down to the water.”
“And this was when you used the word, my son?”
“No Father - you see, it really was right on line: it hit the flagstick and dropped down no more than 18 inches from the hole.”
“AND YOU MISSED THE FUCKIN’ PUTT ?!?!?”
A man comes home from a round of golf. His wife looks at him and asks, “What’s the matter?”
He sinks into a chair. “George dropped dead on the the third hole.”
“Oh, my god! That’s terrible!”
“You bet it was. All afternoon, it was hit the ball, drag George, hit the ball, drag George.”
Arthur is 95 years old. He’s played golf every day since his retirement 30 years ago.
One day he arrives home looking downcast. “That’s it,” he tells his wife.“I’m giving up golf. My eyesight has gotten so bad… once I hit the ball, I can’t see where it went.”
His wife sympathizes, “Why don’t you take my brother with you, and give it one more try.”
“That’s no good,” sighs Arthur. “He’s a hundred and three.”
“He may be a hundred and three”, says the wife, “but his eyesight is perfect.”
The next day, Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law. He tees up, takes a mighty swing, and squints down the fairway. He turns to the brother-in-law. “Did you see the ball?”
“Of course I did!” says the brother-in-law. “I have perfect eyesight.”
“Where did it go?” asks Arthur.
“I can’t remember.”
A man and his wife are playing golf at an exclusive club. The husband has a bad slice and sends the ball crashing through the picture window of a mansion, smashing it to pieces.
Scared, the couple head to the house to apologize and offer to pay for the damage. They look through the smashed window and see a man standing beside a broken bottle.
“Thank you!” the man declares. “I am a genie and I was trapped in that bottle for a hundred years! I’d like to grant you two wishes and I’d like to keep one for myself.”
The couple shrug and climb through the window. They shake the genie’s hand. “Well,” the husband says, “I’d like a bank account that never drops below a million dollars, no matter what I spend.”
The genie snaps his fingers. “Done!”
Before the wife can offer her wish, the husband jumps in again. “And I’d like to get a hole in one at least once every time I play golf.” He ignores his wife’s glare.
“Done!” The genie says. He smiles at the couple. “As you know, it’s been a hundred years since…well, you know. Would you mind if I take your wife upstairs?”
“Go ahead,” the husband says, dreaming of his bank account and his golf game.
The genie takes the wife upstairs and she has the best sex of her entire life. Afterward, lying in bed, the genie asks, “Your husband is a generous man. How old is he?”
The wife snuggles up under the genie’s arm, laying her arm across his chest. “He’s 35.”
“Huh. And he still believes in genies.”
Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day; give a fish a man and it’ll eat for a month.