I guess its been… gee… a whole week maybe two since the last joke thread.
I need some perking up today. Anybody have any new jokes?
I’ll start…
Why did President Clinton have such a hard time deciding what to do with Elian Gonzalas?
Because the last time he had to decide where to put a cuban he got impeached!
whats the difference between pink and purple?
your Grip
I’ll just share a couple though.
Which sexual position produces the ugliest children.
Ask your mom.
How do you know when you’re really ugly?
Dogs hump your leg with their eyes closed.
I was going to post here, but then I realized I read the topic wrong.
Carry on.
what did the canibal do after he dumpted his girlfriend?
he wiped his ass.
Two guys walk into a bar.
You’d think the second one would have ducked.
Please see “A joke for you”
Slythe, maybe we can combine the two threads…
Thanks,
La
dumped, that is.
It is a damned poor mind, indeed, which cannot think of at least two ways to spell any word. - Andrew Jackson
Three old ladies are sitting on a park bench when a flasher approaches them.
He flashes the first lady and she has a stroke.
He flashes the second lady and she has a stroke too.
He flashes the third lady but she wouldn’t touch it.
Two guys are walking through the Savannah in Africa when a lion steps out from behind a tree eyeing the two men hungrily.
“Oh my God! What are we going to do?” say the first man.
The second guy calmly drops his pack to the ground and fishes out his sneakers and starts putting them on in place of his hiking boots.
The first guy says, “Are you nuts! You can’t outrun a lion!”
“I don’t have to outrun the lion,” says the second man. “I only need to outrun you.”
A man went into a pharmacy and asked to talk to a male pharmacist. The woman he was talking to said that she was the pharmacist and that she and her sister owned the store, so there were no males employed there. She then asked if there was something she could help the gentleman with.
The man said “this is embarrassing for me, but I have a permanent erection which causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment. I was wondering what you could give me for it?”
The pharmacist said “Just a minute, I’ll go talk to my sister.”
When she returned, she said, “the best we can do is one-third ownership in the store and $5000 in cash.”
Since at the moment we have two joke threads, I’ll post one in each, saving the absolutely clean one for the other thread.
Two nuns are driving along at night when suddenly a vampire swoops down from the trees and lands on their car. He grabs onto the windshield wipers and hangs on, hissing at them and baring his teeth at them through the windshield. The nun in the passenger seat says, “Turn on the wipers, Sister, quickly!” The nun driving puts on the wipers, but the vampire holds on, still hissing at them. The passenger nun says, “I put holy water in the wiper fluid reservoir before we left, use that!” The driving nun pushes the button, and the vampire writhes and cries out as the spraying holy water burns his skin, but he still holds on, glaring at them with his red eyes. The passenger nun says, “Thank the Lord we have our rosaries with us. Sister, show him your cross!” The driving nun rolls down the window, leans out, and yells, “Get the hell off our car, dammit!!”
Sixth grade science teacher Mr. Sampson asks his class: “Who can tell me which organ of the human body expands to 10 times its usual size when stimulated?”
Nobody raises a hand, so he calls on the first student to look his way. “Mary, can you tell me which organ of the human body expands to 10 times its usual size when stimulated?”
Mary stands up, blushing furiously. “Sir, how dare you ask such a question?” she says. “I’m going to complain to my parents, who will complain to the principal, who will have you fired!”
Mr. Sampson is shocked by Mary’s reaction, but undaunted. He asks the class the question again, and this time Sam raises his hand. “Yes, Sam?” says Mr. Sampson.
“Sir, the correct answer is the iris of the human eye.”
“Very good, Sam. Thank you.” Mr. Sampson then turns to Mary and says, “Mary, I have 3 things to tell you: First, it’s clear that you have NOT done your homework. Second, you have a DIRTY mind. And third, I fear one day you are going to be sadly disappointed.”
The last four US Presidents are caught in tornado, and off they
spin to Oz.
After threatening trials and tribulations, they finally make it to
the Emerald City and come before the Great Wizard.
“WHAT BRINGS YOU BEFORE THE GREAT WIZARD? WHAT DO YOU WANT?”
Jimmy Carter steps forward timidly: “I had a terrible time with
Iran, so I’ve come for some courage.”
“No problem” says the Wizard. “WHO IS NEXT?”
Ronald Reagan steps forward, “Well…, Well…, Well…, I need
a brain.”
“Done” says the Wizard. “Who comes next before the Great Wizard?”
Up steps George Bush sadly, “I’m told by the American people that
I need a heart.”
“I’ve heard it’s true” says the Wizard. “Consider it done.”
Then there is a great silence.
Bill Clinton is just standing there, looking around, but doesn’t
say a word.
Irritated, the Wizard finally asks, “WHAT BRINGS YOU TO THE
EMERALD CITY?”
“Is Dorothy around?”
Why did (insert favorite troll name here) cross the road?
He was stuck in the chicken.
Good Night Everybody! Be sure to tip your waiters and waitresses.
My favorite joke from when I was a kid
This kid Billy had an accident as a child and lost an eye. As his parents were poor, they could only afford to replace it with a wooden eye. This made Billy very self-conscious and shy. The Big Dance was coming up, and Billy’s friends were trying to get him to ask someone out, but Billy was too embarrassed about his eye.
One of his friends suggested he ask Sally.
“Billy, ask out Sally. She has a fake leg - she won’t give your crap about your eye, she’ll understand.”
This sounded like a good idea to Billy. He mustered all of his courage, approached Sally, and asked:
“Sally, would you like to go to the dance with me?”
Sally answered “Would I, Would I !”
Billy said “Fuck off, peg leg, peg leg”
WARNING: Crude, but obligatory, blonde joke.
Some new friends were sitting around at college, discussing teen-age experiences.
One asks the blonde sitting next to him “So, have you ever been picked up by The Fuzz?”
She answers " Er, Um, no…but I did get yanked around by my tits once"
There were two virgins in their 70’s that were finally getting married. They were both quite excited and went and had full physicals so they would not have any problems on their wedding night.
The man’s physical was fine but the woman was diagnosed with a medical condition which might make sex risky. She decided not to tell her soon to be husband until the wedding night. I mean after all this time it is mostly for companionship anyway, right?…
The first night of their honeymoon came and the bride came out of the dressing room dressed in a new red negligee. She started getting quite nervous about telling her new husband they could not have sex. The husband sat her down on the bed and with shaking hands lowered the strap of her negligee watching her breast unroll from the cup finally stopping when it had lengthened down to almost her belly.
She just finally blurted it out: “Honey… I have acute angina”
He replied “Well I hope so ‘cause your boobies look like hell!”
Shaky Jake
This one is much better spoken; because of the alliteration involved it’s almost a tongue twister.
A bear walks into a bar in the town of Big Bend. The only people in the bar are the barkeep, and a barfly at the end of the bar. The bear goes up to the bartender and orders a beer.
Bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve beer to bears in bars in Big Bend.”
Bear goes, “What the hell does that mean?”
Bartender: “It’s illegal in Big Bend to sell beer to bears in bars.”
Bear: “If you don’t give me a beer, I’ll eat you.”
Bartender: “Sorry, still can’t serve beer to bears in bars in Big Bend.”
Bear: “Well, then, do you see that barfly at the end of the bar? If you don’t give me a beer, I’ll go over and eat her.”
Bartender: “Sorry, we still won’t serve beer to bears in bars in Big Bend.”
Bear goes over, eats the barfly in one gulp. Comes back to the bartender, says: “Now give me a beer!”
Bartender says: “Sorry, we don’t serve drug users.”
Bear: “What do you mean, drug users? I don’t use drugs!!!”
Bartender: “What about that barbitchyouate?”
Ba-doom-boom!
<<<<silence, hisses>>>>
<<<<ducking rotten fruit>>>>
Thank you ladies and germs, next week I’ll be at the Laffeteria, and at Chortle’s Bar and Grill the following week.
Cygnus, LOVED the nun joke, just called up a friend with that one.
My farmer’s daughter/travelling salesman jokes usually meet with a stunned silence, so—
Celine Dion walks into a bar.
Bartender says, “Hey, why the long face?”
Sara and Clara, two littel old ladies, come to sit on their favorite bench at the beach.
(Prior to their arrival, a Body Builder who entered a nude body-building contest, came to the beach to tan his penis, which he realized was the only part of his body not evenly tanned).
After they catch a glipse of the member sticking out from the sand, Sara says to Clara:
" You know, when I was ten I heard about it, when I was twenty I was quite curios. At thirty I asked for it, at forty I grabbed for it. At fifty I even paid for it! And now, when I’m 82 and have all but forgotten, the damn things are growing wild!"
::ducking rotten vegetables::
Sili
Eve, glad you liked it 
I just heard it a couple days ago and this was my first chance to tell it.
Encouraged by a positive response (and inspired by the presidents in Oz), I’ll dare to add another.
Clinton lands on the White House lawn in the Presidential helicopter after a visit back to his hometown. The usual military guard is there to greet him, and one of them opens the door of the helicopter then stands back saluting as the president disembarks. Bill’s got a small piglet under each arm, and his military aide says, “Those are very nice pigs, Sir.” Clinton says, “These aren’t just pigs, they’re very special, they’re Arkansas razorbacks. I got one for Hilary and one for Chelsea.” The aide nods crisply and replies, “Good trade, Sir!”
I’m not political but found this curiously funny.
A very successful East Coast lawyer makes it a point every year to take a couple of weeks off and stay at his vacation home in the Adirondacks. In order to write off the vacation home he invites a client each year. This year it happens to be a very important Czech restaurant owner who is delighted to get away from his greedy and grasping family for a while.
Near the end of their vacation the lawyer and Czech are in the woods picking berries from a massive bush. All at once two large bears, a male and a female appear. The lawyer, seeing the two bears, immediately dashed for cover. His friend, though, wasn’t so lucky, and the male bear reached him and swallowed him whole.
The lawyer ran back to his Mercedes, tore into town as fast has he could, and got the local backwoods sheriff. The sheriff grabbed his shotgun and dashed back to the berry patch with the lawyer.
Sure enough, the two bears were still there. “He’s in 'that one!” cried the lawyer, pointing to the male, while visions of lawsuits from his friend’s family danced in his head. He just had to save his friend.
The sheriff looked at the bears, and without batting an eye, leveled his gun, took careful aim, and shot the female. “What d ya do that for!” exclaimed the lawyer, “I said he was in the other!” “Exactly,” replied the sheriff,
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“and would you believe a lawyer who told you that the Czech was in the male?”