What fun is there for a priest?
Nun.
Just love them nun jokes.
A blond, tired of all the dumb blond jokes directed at her, decides to dye her hair and become a brunette.
A few weeks later she is taking a drive through the countryside and has to stop as she comes across a flock of sheep being herded across the road by their shepherd.
Getting out of her car and watching the sheep for awhile she notices the shepherd standing there and tells him how cute she thinks all of the sheep are.
He thanks her and she asks him to make a bet:
“If I can guess how many sheep you have will you give me one?”
The shepherd thinks a moment and figures why the heck not and tells her to give it a try.
She looks over the flock for a moment and blurts out “338”. The shepherd is stunned as it is exactly the right answer. Being a man of his word he tells her to pick one of his flock for her own.
The woman surveys the milling animals and while they are all cute there is one that is far more playful and cute than all the rest. She points to it and says, “I’ll take that one.”
Dumbfounded the shepherd says, “Ok…but now I have a bet for you. If I can guess your true hair color can I have my dog back?”
Two atoms are talking to one another. Suddenly, one atom says “Ooh! I just lost an electron!”. The other atom says “Are you sure?” “Yes, I’m positive!”.
Hmmm, I guess physics jokes go over better in the aerospace industry than elsewhere…
What kind of meat does the Pope eat on Friday?
These 2 guys are drinking pretty hard, when one guy throws up all over himself.
“My wife is gonna kill me.”
Other guy says, “No problem. Go a twenty? Put it in your shirt pocket and tell your wife some other guy threw up on you, and gave you the twenty to cover the dry cleaning.”
“Great idea!” says the first. “Next round’s on me.”
Some time later our friend stumbles home. His wife meets him at the door and is none too pleased. “You disgust me! Not only do you smell like a brewery, but you threw up all over yourself.”
“Aw honey. You’ve got it all wrong. I just had one beer. See, this other guy threw up on me, and gave me twenty bucks to cover the dry cleaning. Look - the money is in my shirt pocket!”
The wife reaches in the pocket and pulls out the money. Says, “What are you talking about? There’s $40 here.”
Guy says, “Oh yeah, he shit in my pants too.”
ba-da-dump.
Say you saw your spouse and a lawyer drowning and you had to choose…
Would you have lunch or go see a movie?
A golfer whose car broke down flagged down a passing bus and got aboard. He sat down on the bus with his pockets bulging with golf balls next to a little old lady. The little old lady kept looking quizzically at him and his bulging pockets. Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, “It’s golf balls.” She quickly eplied, “Does it hurt as bad as tennis elbow?..”
Hehe.
None taken, jesuslynch.
A rabbi, a pirate, a one-legged hooker and a talking elephant all walk into a bar.
The bartender says “What is this, a joke?”
Thank you. I’ll be here all week.
Okay, here goes…
A man is out golfing one beautiful morning and around the 7th hole he hits his ball right onto a lily pad in the middle of the water. Frustrated, he tries to retrieve it, but sees that a frog has jumped onto the lily pad and swallowed the ball. He is amazed at this feat, but shocked speechless when the frog speaks,
“I am the magic golf frog. Not many people can land their ball on my lily pad. Because you did, I will give a choice of wishes. I will grant you either a year of perfectly-played golf…or a year of frequent and fulfilling sex. Choose now.”
Without missing a beat, the man answers, “I’ll take the golf.”
“Very well. Enjoy your year.” And the frog dives back into the water.
Sure enough, the man’s golf game improves so much that he goes on the amature circuit and makes a name for himself in golfing circles.
But the year passes and the man finds that he has lost his frog-given ability. Bemoaning his lost talent, he takes to the green again and as fate would have it, smacks the ball right onto the same lily pad. The frog emerges, swallows the ball and blinks in surprise,
“You again? What are the odds? Oh well, a magic frog is a magic frog. Same two wishes as last time. Care to try the great sex this time around?”
“No,” says the man," I want the golf wish again."
The frog is amazed, “Really? Again? Your sex life is so good you can pass up this wish? Mind if I ask you how often you have sex?”
The man thinks, “About twice a week.”
“Twice a week? You call that great sex?”
“I don’t think I do too bad for a priest in a small town.”
(Oooooh, Father forgive a naughty Protestant…)
Father and son are in the park when the son sees two dogs having sex. “Dad,” asks the boy, “what are those dogs doing?” Not wanting to get into the talk about the birds and the bees (or dogs) at that moment the man simply replies, “Well, son, they’re making puppies.” The kid seemes satisfied with the answer and goes about his business.
Later that night the father and mother are having sex when the kid, needing a drink of water, comes into the bedroom. “Dad,” the kid asks, “What are you and Mom doing?” Again, not wanting to get into the discussion, the man answers “Making a baby.” The boy responds, “Dad, could you roll her over, I’d rather have a puppy.”
An elderly lady walked into a branch of Chase Manhattan Bank holding a large paper bag in her hand. She told the young man at the window that she wished to take the $3 million she had in the bag and open an account with the bank. She said that first, though, she would like to meet the President of Chase Manhattan Bank. Due to the amount of money involved, the teller seemed to think that was a reasonable request and after opening the paper bag and seeing bundles of $1,000 bills which amounted to right around $3 million, telephoned the President’s secretary to obtain an appointment for the woman.
The woman was escorted upstairs and ushered into the president’s office. Introductions were made and she stated that she liked to get to know the people she did business with on a more personal level. The bank president then asked her how she came into such a large sum of money.
“Was it an inheritance?” he asked. “No,” she answered. “Was it from playing the stock market?” he inquired. “No,” she replied.
He was quiet for a second, trying to think of where this elderly woman could possibly have come up with $3 million dollars.
“I bet,” she stated. “As in horses?” he asked. “No,” she replied. “I bet people.” Seeing his confusion, she explained that she just bet on different things with people. All of a sudden she said, “I’ll bet you $25,000 that by 10 o’clock tomorrow morning your balls will be square.”
The bank president figured she must be off her rocker and decided to take her on her bet. He didn’t know how he could lose. For the rest of the day he was very careful. He decided to stay home that evening and take no chances as there was $25,000 at stake. When he got up in the morning and took his shower, he checked to make sure everything was okay. There was no difference in his scrotal appearance. He looked the same as he always had. He went to work and waited for the woman to come in at 10:00 o’clock, humming as he went. He knew this would be his lucky day - how often did he get handed $25,000 for doing nothing?
At 10:00 o’clock sharp the woman was shown into his office. With her was a man. When the bank president asked what the other man was doing in the office, she informed the president that he was her lawyer and she always took him along when there was that much money involved.
“Well,” she asked, “what about our bet?”
“I don’t know how to tell you this,” he replied, “but I’m the same as I’ve always been, only $25,000 richer!”
The lady seemed to accept this, but requested that she be able to see herself. The bank president thought this was a reasonable request considering the amount of money involved and dropped his trousers. She instructed him to bend over and then she grabbed hold of him. Sure enough, everything was fine. His balls were not square. The bank president then looked up and saw her lawyer, standing across the room banging his head against the wall.
“What’s wrong with him?” he inquired.
“Oh, him,” she answered. “I bet him $100,000 that by 10 o’clock this morning I’d have the president of Chase Manhattan Bank by the balls.”
What happened when the Pope went to Mount Olive?
Popeye nearly killed him.
=================================
How do you turn a triangle into a staright line?
Shave it.
Why did the woman cross the road?
Who cares, what’s she doing out of the kitchen?
And, if anyone feels insulted by any of the jokes in this thread, I ask that they please remember the immortal words of Dennis Miller – “There’s the real world, and there’s the joke world. The joke world can get tough. Wear a cup.”
A bear walks into bar and says:
"Could I have a gin and…
tonic, please?"
To which the barman replies, “Why the big pause?”
OK, someone started this…
Two Protestant priests and two Catholic Priests are fishing on the same lake (each two in their respective boats).
One of the protestants accidentally loses his grip on the fishing rod while casting, and it flies off into the lake. He proceeds to stand up, walk right over (on top of the 50 foot deep lake), retrieve his fishing rod, and walk back to the boat.
Upon seeing this, the Catholic priests exchange glances of disbelief, and decide that this is a test of faith. They both throw their rods in the lake, walk out of the boat and drown.
The two protestants then glance at each other, and one asks the other “You think we should have told them where the rocks were?”
Sili
A blonde had just totaled her car in a horrific accident. Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch and was applying fresh lipstick when the state trooper arrived. “My God!” the trooper gasped. “Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant. Are you OK ma’am?”
“Yes, officer, I’m just fine” the blonde chirped."
Well, how in the world did this happen?" the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car.
“Officer, it was the strangest thing!” the blonde began. “I was driving along this road when from out of nowhere this TREE pops up in front of me. So I swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ANOTHER tree! I swerved to the right and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was …”
“Uh, ma’am”, the officer said, cutting her off, "There isn’t a tree on this road for 30 miles. That was your air freshener swinging back and forth.
I’ve got three short ones, and they’re all puns. You’ve been warned.
She criticized my apartment, so I knocked her flat.
I used to work in an orange juice cannery, but I got fired. I just couldn’t seem to concentrate there.
How many people does it take to circumcise ad whale? Four skin divers.
A representative from McDonald’s gets an audience with the Pope. He tells the Holy Father, “I’m prepared to give the Church 10 million dollars if you’ll change ‘Give us this day our daily bread’ to ‘Give us this day our daily hamburger’.”
The Pope says, “No, I can’t change the liturgy like that. That’s the Lord’s Prayer!”
The McDonald’s guy says, “I’ll make it a hundred million!”
The Pope says, “Well, I’ll talk it over with the Cardinals.”
Later, the Pope meets with the Cardinals and tells them, “I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is that I can get us a hundred million dollars. The bad news is, we’re going to lose the account with the Wonder Bread people.”
A zoologist developed a serum that prolonged life indefinitely. He was testing it on sea mammals, and was having tremendous results. The secret ingredient was seabird hatchlings, the younger the better.
He had to get the hatchlings to the aquarium as quickly as possible, but the fastest route was directly through the lion’s cage. He was starting to get worried about his results being all messed up when his assistant suggested that a tranquilizer dart be used on the lions so that they would be sleeping when he went through the cage.
The first night they tried it though, they were arrested. The charge? Transporting young gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises.
Thank you, folks, thank you. Drive safely, now.
A crusty old fighter pilot was being interviewed on a television talk show:
“…and my wingman n’me was surrounded by these fokkers, and were running low on ammo when…”
At this point the host interrupted him…
“Uh, ladies and gentlemen, I’d like to point out that a Fokker is a German aircraft…”
When the old fighter jock spoke up again…
“Hell no! These fokkers was Messerschmitts!”
True story, but reads like a joke…
As I was getting dressed, my 3 year old son pointed to my chest and asked, “What are those?”
I replied, “Those are my breasts.”
He said, “Oh, bress?”
“No, honey”, I replied. “One is called a breast.” (Emphasizing the “st” sound)
Without missing a beat, he said, “What is the other one called?”
President Clinton calls Monica Lewinsky into the Oval Office, saying “C’mere and see my clock.”
Monica goes into the room only to see Bill standing there with his trousers and shorts round his ankles. “That’s not a clock!” exclaims Monica.
Bill replies, “It will be once it’s got two hands and a face on it”