Friday Joke-off

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
41

This is the last one…I swear.

So Jesus and Moses were out golfing with this little old man. Moses tees up first and hits the ball right into the water. He sighs and goes to the water’s edge, parts the water and plays through the hole. Jesus writes down his score.
Jesus is next and tees off. He, too, hits the ball into the water–this time it lands on a lily pad (no, not the frog’s lily pad, that was on the 7th hole). He shakes his head, strolls over and proceeds to walk on the water to the lily pad so he can play through.
Next is the little old man. He takes a frightful swing at the ball, blasting it straight towards the water. Just before it splashes, a fish jumps into the air and catches it. Amazingly, before the fish can dive back into the water, a bird swoops down from the sky and snatches the fish–with ball in mouth–and flies away. As the bird passes over the hole, it begins to lose its grip on the fish and bites down harder, causing the fish to choke out the golf ball. Jesus, Moses and the little old man all watch in silence as the ball drops directly into the hole.
“Hole in one! Hole in one!” the little old man cries with glee.
Moses turns to Jesus and shakes his head, “Man, I hate playing golf with your dad.”

(I’m sorry. I couldn’t help myself.)

42

A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the very same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, “Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink.” They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank. Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore. The male was enraged that they were all going to get away and told the female, “lets swim
after those killers and gobble them up before they reach the shore.” At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him. “Look”, she said, “I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen.”

43

A frog is walking down Main Street one day, and passes an antique shop. In the window is the most beatiful urn the frog has ever seen. He goes inside to inquire about the price, but is dejected to learn that it’s priced way too high for him, being collectible.

Depressed, he heads back home. However, as he passes the bank, he realizes that he might be able to get credit at the bank!

He walk up to an teller in the bank. “Hi,” the man says, “My name is Patrick Wach, but you can call me Paddy. What can I do you for?”

“I’d like to get credit to buy an urn,” says the frog.

Paddy looks puzzled. “What’s so special about this urn?”

“It’s a collectible,” says the frog.

The frog is declined for credit, however, and he asks to speak with the manager.

Patrick, the teller, explains the situation to the manager.
The manager says, “So you’re telling me that this amphibian wants credit to buy a collectible urn?”

“That’s correct,” says Patrick.

The manager replies, “Well, this is simple…It’s a knick-knack, Paddy Wach; give the frog a loan!!”

<<<<the audience groans, throws more rotten fruit>>>>
There was no reason to hide a brick in that cantaloupe!!! Wait, yeah there was a good reason.

44

this is a really, really, really corny joke I found the other day in a kid’s book we had somewhere laying around, but it made me laugh so here goes…

***how does an octopus go into battle?
get really really excited, here comes the punch line…
…—> well armed!!!

ha ha ha haha ha ha.
love,
tipi

45

struuter reminded me of a golf/religion joke I know. Has a couple of the same characters in it, and almost the same situation. But it isn’t the same joke. See, funny already.

Jesus and Moses are golfing, and get to a hole that requires you to drive over the water. Moses knows that neither of them are very good, so he suggests that they agree to just walk across the bridge and drop their ball there. But Jesus wants to try it. He says if Arnold Palmer can make that shot, so can he.

So he tees up and plunks his ball right into the water. He asks Moses to part the water, he does, Jesus gets his ball. He still wants to drive over the water, though. He tries again, same result. Moses parts the water, and Jesus starts to tee up again.

Moses draws the line. “If you hit the water again, I’m not helping you get your ball back.” Jesus hist the ball into the water again.

Since Moses won’t help, Jesus walks out onto the water, kneels down, and tries to reach the ball in the shallow water. Just then, the next foursome arrives.

They see this guy in long robes in the middle of the watter hazard. They say to Moses, “Who does that guy think he is, Jesus Christ?” Moses replies, “No, he actually is Jesus Christ. The problem is he thinks he’s Arnold Palmer!”

46

This one’s got a pretty bad punchline, so all the kiddies go to your rooms:

I’m in Ireland, walking around in this little seaside town, and I come upon this little guy, sitting on a bench near the shore. He’s looking all depressed, so I say, “Hey, why the sad face?”
He looks at me and says, "Well, me name is O’Mally, and I’ve got a sad, sad, story for ye.
"Ye see them ships in the harbor there? Ibuolt every one o’ them ships by hand. Do they call me O’Mally the Ship-builder? No, they don’t.
"Ye see them houses on the hill over there? I thatched the roofs on every one o’ them houses. Do they call me O’Mally the Roof-thatcher? No, they don’t.
"They don’t call me O’Mally the Ship-builder, and they don’t call me O’Mally the Roof-thatcher…
“Ye fuck one lousy goat, and what do they call ye…”

47

A man walks up to the checkout lane with some hotdogs, a couple of frozen pizzas, a loaf of bread, a four pack of toilet paper, a two liter bottle of Coke and a sixpack.

The cute checkout girl smiles at him and says “You must be single.”

“How did you know?” The man asks.

“Because you’re fucking ugly.”

48

What does DNA stand for?
National Dyslexic Association.

What do you get when you cross a mountain climber and a mosquito?
Nothing, you can’t multiply a scalar and a vector.

What’s white and streaks across the sky?
The Coming of the Lord.

(I’ll be climbing into that handbasket now.)

49

A man walks into a psychiatrist’s office wearing only underwear made of Saran Wrap.
The psychiatrist says, “Well…I can clearly see your nuts.”