GOOD ADVICE! (not really)

Get your GF that new diet book. It shows you’re thinking about her welfare.

Do a hard reboot and reload Win95. Make sure you use the floppy version, the CD-rom sucks.

Skip the auto insurance, you’ll never need it.

Barking dogs won’t bite.

Oh, just go ask him. They LOVE talking to people about their Hawgs.

I’m sure your cousin is an excellent painter. Just rent him a sprayer and your house will look brand new in a day.

Just put it on the credit card.

Yes, those pants do make you look fat.

To avoid painful rugburn, always soak your carpets in olive oil.

Hot barnyard sluts want your cock. Just click here!

Vegetables cause meningitis.

If you don’t have any condoms handy, just make sure your special lady-friend jumps up and down afterwords.

It don’t matter if you’re investing for college or retirement, you just need to remember two words: Beanie Babies! :smiley:

Guns are never loaded. Go ahead and play with them.

Hydrofluoric acid makes a dandy and tasty thirst quencher on those hot days.

No time for breakfast? Stick your finger in a light socket. Electrical energy is readily absorbed by the body.

The most successful people in the world all dropped out of school and joined gangs. You should too, if you want to get ahead.

Save money on heating. Run your car in the garage with the doors closed.

Cranky baby won’t sleep? Give her some Scotch.

Large zoo animals get lonely. Go hug one today!

AIDS is a myth perpetuated my the media

What special someone wouldn’t be happy with a brand new ironing board cover as an anniversary gift?

Go around that railroad signal crossing. There probably is not a train, the thing’s just stuck.

Display yourself naked in a chat room. The internet’s completely anonymous. No one will capture a picture of it.

It’s ok to make change in the offering plate or help yourself to a couple dollars. That’s what it’s there for.

“Paw, get Jimmy the Authentic Red Ryder BB Gun for Xmas! He won’t shoot his eye out!”

If you’re falling from a cliff or tall radio tower just remeber to act as if you’re jumping right before you hit the ground. It really works!

Lung problems? Start smoking! Cigarette smoke will kill the germs in your lungs and you’ll be better in days. A cigarette a day keeps the pulmonologist away.

March in, drop trow, sit your sorry ass down on the boss’s desk, and shout “I need a raise - NOW!!!”
Doesn’t matter if your boss is male or female. It always works.

If your daughter shows up late for the Christmas party and asks where the cookies are plus eats all the jelly beans, you should believe her story that her car broke down. :rolleyes:

Those guys working airport security get bored during a long shift. Liven their day up by pretending to have a bomb!

Why bother taking a shower everyday-just double up on the cologne!!!

If you’re overweight, buy skin-tight clothing five sizes too small-it’ll squeeze you in and make you look skinny.

The way to a woman’s heart is to grab her boobs in public.

Cats love it when you carry them into the shower with you.

Always put salt in your eyes.