Good intentions does not excuse rudeness!

The BBQ Pit
21

<boggle> I would have firmly said How nice of you to drop by, but we are currently remodeling the house and tied up right now, but when I have the time I will drop by church and meet you properly…

but this is coming from someone who has a sign posted on the front door saying"if you did not call ahead, or I do not recognize you, you do not get into my home." And it gets enforced. If the UPS shows up, I step out onto the front porch and shut the door firmy behind me. I have had town officials drop by and they get the front porch treatment. Yups, I have kept a cop standing on the porch in the rain. He didnt call ahead and the town has our phone number. No warrent, no entry. I am twitchy enough about strangers in my house that when someone comes by to adjust the furnace, or do anything inside, mrAru deals with them and I go elsewhere until he calls me on the cell.

22

Howdy all.

I figured I’d address a few points brought up here now that I have cooled down a bit, and am a little more rational.

Lord Ashtar, I agree, I would have understood the new preacher calling or arranging a meeting with us to try and see what he could do to bring us back around to their church. To be honest, though, I think that this may have been just as much a surprise to him as it was to us, because he honestly did look a little uncomfortable and not quite sure that the whole thing was a good idea.

Anaamika, to some of the people in that congregation, you are no doubt correct…we’re their own private cause. For a majority, though, I think they just wanted to show us that they do care about us and wanted to see how we were. They went about it in a really fucked up way, but I do think that was probably their true intent.

Scarlett67, and everyone else wondering why I let them in…

Had I been at home alone, I most certainly would not have let them in. Hell, I doubt I would have even answered the door. However, as I mentioned above, church is very important to my wife. The only reason we left said church was because of the asshole preacher. We did get along well with pretty much everyone else there, save for a few that were part of said jerk’s clique. None of the later were there last night, so these were people that we have had friendly connections with. The church and most of its attendants live an hour away from us (I don’t know if I have mentioned this elsewhere, but we live in a very rural part of Georgia). So, rudeness aside, they had driven an hour out to see us in the cold, and I know it would have upset my wife greatly if I had turned them away (this was part of our discussion afterwards, so it is not pure speculation on my part).

E-Sabbath, having a community of support can be very nice, I will admit. I partially agree about them not knowing, though I believe that anyone with an inkling of manners would know better than to show up anywhere private unannounced…but they couldn’t know that it was a hot button for me, as I’ve never told anyone from that church that it is. The lady who kept in touch with us did in fact survey those who had left, and she and her husband were instrumental in implementing changes that I am sure contributed to our former preacher leaving. She was not, however, one of lasts night’s visitors (as she is still on vacation), and I seriously doubt she would have had anything to do with it had she been in town. She is one of those classic “Southern Belle” types, Mrs. Manners all the way. She would have called first. And I am also fairly sure we weren’t the only ones that got dropped in on that evening. I’ll have to call some of the other couples we knew left and find out later this evening.

Captain Crunchy Crunch, most of the congregation and the people there are good people. Sunday school classes were always very open and filled with discussion. One bad preacher, though, can ruin the whole experience.

Devil’s Grandmother (great name!), thankfully, my boy slept through the whole ordeal! Once he goes out, he goes out, and there’s no waking him, short of physically prodding him awake. We wisely let him sleep.

Slithy Tove, as I mentioned, the Hatemonger is gone. We got along well with everyone else. I only included the information about the jackass because it would explain why the group of people decided to show up, and why we had left the church in the first place. We had mentioned our complaints to a few of the people that we were friendly with at the church, and decided that we would just leave and find another place of worship (which we never got around to). I did register my displeasure with his hatefulness to said preacher, but I never received a real meaningful response, other than “You must have heard what I was saying wrong.” And frankly, he wasn’t worth my time. In the end, as stated above, our leaving, coupled with the leaving of others for the same reason, was part of what caused the old preacher to leave.

Anyhow…that’s that. Thanks for responding all, and for having a place here to vent.

Muchas Gracias,

Poeticyde

23

Unannounced visitors is a major pet peeve of mine. I can’t help it, I was raised that way. Hell, I call my own parents before I drop in, I wouldn’t dream of just showing up unannounced, IMHO, it’s the very height of rudeness.

However, if someone did show up unannounced, I wouldn’t just say “sorry, I don’t accept unannounced visitors” and slam the door in their faces. To me, that is just as rude as showing up unannounced and rudeness should never be answered with more rudeness. I know I would be absolutely mortified if I dropped in on someone with nothing but good intentions and had that kind of reaction. Of course, I let anyone who would have any reason to come over know about my pet peeve to avoid that very type of situation. Even my S.O who has a key knows to call before he shows up. If someone does show up, I’ll chat with them briefly then say something along the lines of “I wish I knew you were coming so we could visit longer but I’ve really got to get back to (insert whatever I was doing or just made up here) next time call first and let me know you’re coming so I can plan some time to visit with you!”

Of course, I’ve also been known to pretend I’m not home and avoid the situation all together. :eek:

24

Thank you. I hate drop bys, and never drop by myself, but I also believe being a good host is just as important as being a good guest.

On those rare occasions I get drop by visiters, I will invite them in and provide as a good host should.

25

I was going to fall back on What Would Jesus Do…
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But then, He fed the multitudes with loaves and fishes, and I reckoned that probably wasn’t possible given the circumstances an all. Besides I don’t think Jesus kept enough of a stable residence in which thirty or so of the disciples would just “drop in”. Let alone do a bit of remodeling. But he WAS a carpenter so I figure that maybe it wouldn’t be that hard to imagine.
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But, I digress.
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If they’re Christians; FORGIVE 'EM!

26

But what boggles my mind is that, out of thirty people, not one of them did the math and said, “Well, it looks like you’re pretty busy here! We had some stuff we wanted to talk to you about; when would be a good time? Meanwhile, can we go get you some takeout? You probably don’t have time to make dinner.” How well-intentioned can they be if they were willing to sit in the midst of disarray and pay a social call?

I wouldn’t have “chatted with them briefly”, either, as lezlers suggested. When there’s thirty people, someone will always pipe up again; you don’t get to control the conversation.

That’s as it may be. But perhaps these people shouldn’t mean so much to her, if they’re so blatantly insensitive and pushy.

27

My friend,

I have had my share of so-called “religious people” inflicting horror stories on me, and let me tell you, not one of them has ever been directly related to a church*.
When people mean to be supercilious, they suddenly don’t seem to need the backing of a church/whatever. I have to say that the handful of pastors or ministers or whatever they are in my life have all been unfailingly kind to me.

*Ok, well, except for Jehovah’s Witnesses at my door on Sunday morning at 7 AM!

28

I’m with you, lezlers. This is an area where I part company with Miss Manners. Rudeness doesn’t justify more rudeness. It sounds like these few dozen unexpected drop-in ‘guests’ were well-intentioned, as poeticyde himself noted. Their execution just sucked big time.

I’m also with Rilchiam, though, in boggling over the fact that none of them seemed to pick up on the rude-o-meter readings, much less act on them. (I’ll exempt the new pastor since he was obviously in-tow with so many of his more active congregation. That was a delicate situation for him too.)

FWIW, with one exception*, I generally use ruthlessly use their rudeness against intruders. Judo instead of chop-sockey; guilt works a treat. I drown them with apologies for how unprepared I am for guests (hint); rush about apologizing that I don’t have the slightest thing ready to offer for refreshments (HINT); gently bewail the fact that I can’t offer them the decent hospitality I’d like since they weren’t expected…(HINT). The killer trick: never sit down. Why, how could I relax when the place is such a mess and so unprepared for guests? Of course this generally prevents them for sitting down either, which cuts short the visit pretty effectively. With any luck they exit, pronto, babbling apologies.

  • The exception is a old sorta-friend who has his virtues but the slightest social sense isn’t one of 'em. He’s fully capable of wandering in and staying for 10 or 12 hours. I just don’t answer the door in his case. (Though he’s also rung and knocked at the various doors for up to an hour before finally leaving.)

Sounds like a pisser, poeticyde, but I think you did the right thing. You didn’t slam any doors, literally or figuratively. You also wracked up major karma points for future use.

Veb

29

Sweetie, you don’t know the half of it. When my family moved to a new town in northwestern USA, we had no less than eight people show up on our doorstep the first week to invite us to their respective churchs (four Mormons, one Mormon from a different church, two Baptists, one Jehovah’s witness - roughly proportionate to the town’s overall religious composition). My mother finally snapped at the ninth person, and told her that we were jewish (sort of true). The response?

Oh wow! We just learned about jewish (sic) in Sunday school!

After that, every person who came to our door started off with “I know you guys are jewish, but would you…”

Also, I had to explain what “athiest” meant to my 10th grade (honors) English class.

mischievous

30

That’s just weird. The whole congregation? VERY strange.

31

TV: This is an area where I part company with Miss Manners. Rudeness doesn’t justify more rudeness.

It is not rude not to invite unannounced guests into your home. It would be on the rude side to make a proclamation like “I don’t welcome unannounced visitors” (either in person or via a sign on the door). But it is perfectly mannerly to respond with a friendly greeting along the lines of “How nice of you to come by—if only I had known! I’m afraid this just isn’t a good time for a visit, but I do want to get together with you, so do call me sometime so we can plan something” while firmly hanging on to the front door.

You shouldn’t actually shut the door in their faces immediately after saying this, of course. But if they’re still trying to argue the point after two or three repetitions, it’s quite okay to say “Oh dear, I really must go now, thanks again for stopping by, I’m so sorry it’s such a bad time for me, I do hope you’ll call me soon so we can get together, goodnight now”, and close the door slowly and quietly while maintaining your friendly smile.

It’s not rude to prevent unannounced casual visitors from barging into your house when you really, really don’t want them there, as long as you turn them away with a friendly and polite attitude. Anyway, most drop-in visitors with any common sense will end up feeling more embarrassed and awkward if you let them in for a brief visit when it’s a really, really bad time for you than if you just graciously turn them away.

Suppose you’re having hot monkey sex with your spouse and take a break to pull on shorts and a bathrobe when you hear what you think is the pizza delivery guy at the front door, and it’s actually your kindly neighbor dropping in for a chat. You are doing Mrs. Neighbor no favor in the politeness realm by letting her in and awkwardly making conversation for a few minutes while it dawns on her just what she’s interrupting. Let us not encourage this kind of situation by spreading the mistaken notion that it is rude not to ask an uninvited visitor in.

lezlers: *If someone does show up, I’ll chat with them briefly then say something along the lines of “I wish I knew you were coming so we could visit longer but I’ve really got to get back to (insert whatever I was doing or just made up here) next time call first and let me know you’re coming so I can plan some time to visit with you!” *

Fine, but good manners also permits you to say all that while standing at the front door, after making your initial chat with the folks on the porch very brief indeed.

32

Hats off to you poeticyde. Doubt if I could have managed to be gracious in the same situation, much less hospitable.

That churchy people seem to feel there’s nothing wrong about being rude has and continues to amaze me. It’s not like God said, “Go forth in my name, and be a jerk.”

33

One last update, then I will let this thread sink to oblivion…

TVeblen, I followed that strategy almost exactly…constant apologies, “exuse our construction”, not sitting down. I suppose if I hadn’t, the visit would have been longer…

We did get a call last night from one of the couples apologizing for showing up unexpectedly. Apparently, it was the idea of a couple of the older members of the church, and everyone just kind of went with it.

Regardless, I am over it now, and venting helped. Thanks all!

34

They’re like vampires. They can not enter unless invited, but once invited it’s impossible to get rid of them. Bad move, letting them in.

35

Funny enough, yesterday afternoon there was a banging on my door. I was almost napping but got up anyway in case it was important. It wasn’t. It was two chicks grinning who said, “Hi! We’re here talking about Jesus!”

To which I answered, “No thanks, we’ve already got one. It’s very nice, you know.” And all I could think about was the scene in ‘Holy Grail’ with the French knights…

36

Oh, I’m not saying that people need to be invited in under all circumstances. If you’re accidently answering the door expecting to find the pizza guy and find a neighbor wanting to chat, by all means do what you said. As long as you chat with them briefly, it doesn’t matter whether it’s on the porch or in the living room, as long as you’re not being rude because like TVeblen said, rudeness doesn’t justify more rudeness.

37

I simply do not understand why so many of you have problems with the concept of folks dropping by unannounced. Let me think about the last few times that’s happened:

  • The Avon lady dropped off my wife’s purchases.
  • A complete stranger stopped by to let me know some of our cows had been on the road and he’d chased them into the pasture for me.
  • Some new folks moved in next door. They stopped by to introduce themselves and bring us a loaf of banana bread (kind of a reverse welcome wagon).
  • A friend saw me working in the driveway and stopped to chat.
  • The guy who delivers our diesel fuel stopped by because he was in the neighborhood and thought we might need our tank topped off

See a theme? None of them asked to come in the house. I have no problem with people stopping by if they don’t expect me to stop what I’m doing and entertain them.

38

I would have a problem with a group of thirty people dropping by unannounced. That almost seems like it was meant to be intimidating. I would definitely resolve not to go back to that church - there must be one where the people don’t behave so weirdly. Not that I go to church in the first place, though.

39

IW: I simply do not understand why so many of you have problems with the concept of folks dropping by unannounced.

Where are “so many” of us saying that we have problems with people stopping by to do things like drop off our purchases, warn us about our strayed pets, or say “hi” while we’re working in our driveways, as in your examples?

The sort of thing that’s mostly being criticized here is exactly the sort of thing you say you don’t like either—namely, people dropping in unannounced for an actual visit where they expect you to take time to socialize with them.

40

Collect ten lapsed churchgoers, and redeem them for valuable prizes! You could already be a winner!*
*Except where prohibited by state or church laws.

:smiley: