Good political jokes.

In My Humble Opinion
1

Post here your political jokes. Feel free to post 'em, no matter where you’re from. However, if you’re going to post about someone obscure, like maybe your county’s comptroller or your town sheriff, at least provide a little context. It’ll work a lot better that way. I’ll start:
The roll call was being read on judgement day, and by some weird cosmic quirk, the line in front of the Pearly Gates contained Leonardo DaVinci, Albert Einstein and George W. Bush, all in a row.

DaVinci is first. When he approaches St. Peter, he’s told that since DaVinci was so famous, there’s a good chance that someone unworthy might try to impersonate him, so would he be so good as to prove that he is who he says he is? DaVinci says, “Of course I would,” and so St. Peter snaps his fingers and a chalkboard materializes. “Let’s see some of that anatomy you used to draw,” says Peter, and DaVinci etches as perfect a rendition as he could make from memory. “Well, that proves it. Welcome to Heaven, Leonardo!” and DaVinci enters paradise.

Einstein is next. St. Peter asks him to prove his identity, so Einstein erases DaVinci’s drawing and scrawls down the Theory of Relativity. “Excellent!” says St. Peter. “Welcome to Heaven, Albert!” and Einstein enters paradise.

Next comes George W. Bush. St. Peter explains the identity issues, and explains that they’re putting everyone through the wringer. “We just tested Leonardo DaVinci and Albert Einstein,” explains St. Peter. George W. Bush asks, “Who?” St. Peter sighs, waves his hand and says, “Go on in, George.”

2

An actual heated exchange between two professors at a Pennsylvania college. One was German, and the other was Austrian.

The Austrian said, “It’s just a matter of time before you start another world war.”

The German shot back, “Not until you send us another Hitler.”

3

I’ve got a few. During the State of the Union address a mad bomber destroys the speakers podium, so George W. Bush, Dick Cheney and Denny Hastert are all killed at once. Bush then finds himself in a room with a bulldog in the corner and hears God, who says, “George W. Bush, you have sinned, and you must spend eternity with his rabid bulldog.” Cheney finds himself in another room with a gorilla and he hears God, who says, “Dick Cheney, you have sinned, and you must spend eternity with this crazy gorilla.” Hastert finds himself in yet another room, and in the corner is Cameron Diaz. Confused, he hears God, who says, “Cameron Diaz, you have sinned…”

George W Bush is on his morning jog, without his Secret Service escorts, when he trips and falls into the Tidal Basin. Three kids are nearby and dive in to save him. They drag him out and he says, “You three just saved my life. I’ll give you guys anything you want.” The first kid says, “I’d like to meet Michael Jordan and shoot hoops with him, he’s my favorite basketball player of all time.” Bush says, “OK.” The second kid goes, “My mom fell behind on her car payments and we need a new one. Can we have a Lexus?” Bush says, “OK.” The third kid goes, “I’d like a motorized wheelchair with a pop-out TV set and laptop computer.” Bush goes, “Why would you want that, your back isn’t broken.” The kid replies, “It will be once my dad finds out I saved your sorry ass.”

This one was copied from an e-mail, hence the carrots.
President Bush is visiting an elementary school and
> > drops in on the
> > 4th grade class. Their class is in the middle of a
> > discussion related to words and their meanings. The
> > teacher asks the President if he would like to lead
> > the class in the discussion of the word “tragedy.” So
> > Bush asks the class for an example of a “tragedy.
> > “One little boy stands up and offers, “If my best
> > Friend, who lives next door, is playing in the street
> > and a car comes along and runs him over, that would be
> > a tragedy.”
> > “No,” says Bush, “that would be an ACCIDENT.” A little
> > girl raises her hand:
> > “If a school bus carrying 50 children drove off a
> > cliff, killing everyone involved, that would be a
> > tragedy.”
> > “I’m afraid not,” explains the President. “That’s
> > what we would call a GREAT LOSS.”
> > The room goes silent. No other children volunteer.
> > President Bush searches the room.” Isn’t there
> > someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?”
> > Finally, way in the back of the room, Lil’ Johnny
> > raises his hand.
> > In a quiet voice he says, “If Air Force One, carrying
> > you & Mrs. Bush, was struck by a missile and blown to
> > smithereens, that would be a tragedy.”
> > “Fantastic,” exclaims Bush, “that’s right. And can
> > you tell me WHY that would be a tragedy?”
> > “Well,” said Lil’ Johnny, “because it wouldn’t be an
> > accident, and it sure as hell wouldn’t be a great
> > loss.”

4

Here’s my best political joke, it’s so simple even conservatives can understand it.

An optimist looks at a glass of water and says it’s half full
A pessimist looks and says it’s half empty.
A Republican looks at it and says “Hey, who drank half of MY glass of water?!?”

5

When Khrushchev died and went to hell, he pestered Satan for a tour of the inferno before starting his eternity of punishment. Satan complied and took him on a tour of hell. He took him to the “icons of the Soviet Union” wing and allowed Khrushchev to peer through the spy-holes in the cell doors of three of the tormented.

In the first cell was Karl Marx, standing in a pool of excrement that came up to his knees. Khrushchev turned to Satan and said “How can you do this to such a great man – a man who developed a truly humanistic vision of social relations and gave us the tools to liberate man from oppression?” Satan replied “I have promised to give you a tour of hell, and I am showing you the punishments meted out to the condemned – but I cannot tell you the ‘why’ of their punishment, you must reflect on it and figure it out for yourself.”

Khrushchev and Satan then went up to the second spy-hole, where Khrushchev saw Lenin standing in a pool of excrement that came up to his waist. Khrushchev turned to Satan and said “This is unbelievable… this man freed all the Russias from the autocratic Czars, got us out of the slaughter of the World War and established the foundations of a truly scientific socialism, surely he doesn’t deserve such an undignified fate…” Satan replied “As I have already told you, I am merely showing you the punishments meted out to the condemned – but I cannot tell you the ‘why’ of their punishment, you must reflect on it and figure it out for yourself.”

The two move on to the final cell door, and looking through the spy-hole, Khrushchev sees a vast pool of excrement and filth and, standing on top of it, barely soiling the soles of his boots, he see Stalin. Khrushchev turns on the devil and exclaims “I cannot believe it, you are tormenting Marx and Lenin by immersing them in filth and yet you allow this monster, this murderer, this charltan who betrayed the Soviet people to rise above his punishment.”

Satan himself looks through the spy-hole then turns to Khrushchev and says “Looks like the sneaky bastard is standing on Trotsky’s shoulders again.”

6

Q: What’s the difference between Rush Limbaugh and the Hindenberg?
A: One’s a flaming Nazi gasbag and the other’s a zeppelin.

7

Marion Barry has a plan to get cocaine off the streets of DC - one gram at a time.

8

Also good is Marion Barry-He puts the Columbia in the District of Columbia. Did you know that, after its first, DC has never had a competent mayor?

9

I’ve shared this in bumper sticker threads, but I like it, so here goes:

Bumper Sticker: “Vote Republican - It’s Easier Than Thinking”