Cheney gets a call from his “boss”, W.
"I've got a problem," says W.
"What's the matter?" asks Cheney.
"Well, you told me to keep busy in the Oval Office, so, I got a jigsaw puzzle, but
it's too hard. None of the pieces fit together and I can't find any edges."
"What's it a picture of?" asks Cheney.
"A big rooster," replies W.
"All right," sighs Cheney, "I'll come over and have a look."
So he leaves his office and heads over to the Oval Office. W points at the jigsaw
on his desk.
Cheney looks at the desk and then turns to W and says, "For crying out loud,
Georgie - put the corn flakes back in the box."
While visiting England,
George Bush is invited to tea with the Queen. He asks her what
her leadership philosophy is. She says that it is to surround
herself with intelligent people. He asks how she knows if they’re
intelligent.
"I do so by asking them the right questions," says the
Queen."Allow me to demonstrate."
She phones Tony Blair and says, "Mr. Prime Minister. Please
answer this question: Your mother has a child, and your father
has a child, and this child is not your brother or sister. Who is
it?"
Tony Blair responds ,"It¹s me, ma'am."
"Correct. Thank you and good-bye, sir," says the Queen. She
hangs up and says, "Did you get that, Mr. Bush?"
"Yes ma'am. Thanks a lot. I¹ll definitely be using that!"
Upon returning to Washington, he decides he¹d better put the
Chairman of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee to the test.
He summons Jesse Helms to the White House and says, "Senator
Helms, I wonder if you can answer a question for me."
"Why, of course, sir. What¹s on your mind?"
"Uhh, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and
this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"
Helms hems and haws and finally asks, "Can I think about it and
get back to you?"
Bush agrees, and Helms leaves. He immediately calls a meeting of
other senior Republican senators, and they puzzle over the
question for several hours, but nobody can come up with an
answer. Finally, in desperation, Helms calls Colin Powell at the
State Department and explains his problem.
"Now lookee here, son, your mother has a child, and your father
has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who
is it?"
Powell answers immediately, "It's me, of course, you dumb
cracker."
Much relieved, Helms rushes back to the White House and
exclaims, "I know the answer, sir! I know who it is! It's Colin
Powell!"
And Bush replies in disgust, "Wrong, you dumb shit, it's Tony
Blair!"
As Governor, Bush got to ceremonially act as a state trooper for a day.
While operating a speed trap Bush pulled over a Texas farmer. He lectured the
farmer about his speed and the necessity of obeying laws made by his superiors,
and in general threw his weight around. Finally, he got around to writing the
ticket, and as he was doing so he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing
around his head. The farmer said, “Having some problems with circle flies there,
are ya, Sir?” Bush stopped writing the ticket and said, “Well yeah, if that’s what
they are – I never heard of circle flies.” So the farmer says, “Well, circle flies are
common on farms. See, they’re called circle flies because they’re almost always
found circling around the back end of horses.” Bush says, “Oh,” and goes back
to writing the ticket. After a minute he stops and slowly says, “Hey… wait a
minute, are you trying to call me a horse’s ass?” The farmer says, “Oh no,
Governor, I have too much respect for you to even think about calling you a
horse’s ass.” Grinning broadly, Bush says, “Well, that’s a good thing,” and goes
back to writing the ticket. After a long pause, the farmer says, “Hard to fool them
flies though.”
A first grade teacher
in the Midwestis explaining to her class that she is a Republican
and how nice it is that a new Republican president has taken
office. She asks her students to raise their hands if they, too,
are Republicans and support George Bush. Everyone in class
raises their hands except one little girl. “Mary,” says the teacher
with surprise, “why didn’t you raise your hand?” Because I’m not
a Republican," says Mary. “Well, what are you?” asks the
teacher. “I’m a Democrat and proud of it,” replies the little girl.
The teacher cannot believe her ears. “My goodness, Mary, why
are you a Democrat?” she asks. “Well, my momma and papa are
Democrats, so I’m a Democrat, too." “Well,” says the teacher in
an annoyed tone, “that’s no reason for you to be a Democrat.
You don’t always have to be like your parents. What if your
momma was a criminal and your papa was a criminal, too, what
would you be then?” “Then,” Mary smiled, “then we’d be
Republicans.”
(Offensive, I know, but what can I say? I like it!)
On one of his first nights in the White House,
Dubya is awakened by the ghost of George Washington. Bush is
frightened, but asks: “George, what is the best thing I could do
to help the country?” Washington advises him: “Be honest above
all else and set an honorable example, just as I did.” This makes
Bush uncomfortable, but he manages to get back to sleep. The
next night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson moves through the
dark bedroom. “Tom,” Dubya asks, “what is the best thing I could
do to help the country?” Jefferson replies, “Throw away your
prepared remarks and speak eloquently and extemporaneously
from your heart,” Jefferson advises. Bush isn’t sleeping well at all
the next night, and sees another figure moving in the shadows.
It’s Abraham Lincoln’s ghost and Dubya thinks finally, a
Republican, I’ll get some advice that I can use. “Abe, what is
the best thing I could do to help the country?” Bush asks
hopefully. Abe answers: “Go see a play.”
Another good one:
http://www.satirewire.com/weblog/bushblog.shtml