Firing Squad
Bill Clinton, Al Gore, and George W. Bush face a firing squad in a small Central American country. Bill Clinton is first placed against the wall and just before the order to shoot him is given, he yells, “Earthquake!” The firing squad falls into a panic and Bill jumps over the wall and escapes in the confusion.
Al Gore is the second one placed against the wall. The squad is reassembled and Al ponders what his old boss has done. Before the order to shoot is given, Al yells, “Tornado!” Again the squad fall apart and Al slips over the wall.
The last person, George W. Bush, is placed against the wall. He is thinking, “I see the pattern here, just scream out a disaster and hop over the wall.” As the firing squad is reassembled and the rifles raised in his direction, he grins and ells, “Fire!”
An Englishman, Scotsman, and Irishman are sitting in a bar and each gets a fly in his pint of beer. The Englishman looks at his disgusted and pushes the pint away. The Scotsman fishes the fly out with his fingers, flings it to the floor and then continues his drinking. The Irishman picks the fly out and then screams “Spit it all back you dirty little bastard!”
George Bush’s advisor is updating him on the war in Iraq, “…and finally, sir, three Brazillian construction workers were killed by a car bomb.”
Bush buries his head in his hands and starts moaning, “No! No! No!” His advisors are all a bit stunned by the President’s strong emotional reaction. After a few minutes he has calmed down, “That is horrible news. How many are in a brazillian, anyway?”
A computer guy and a salesman are out in the field one day, bird hunting. Suddenly, the salesman gasps, chokes, grabs his chest and falls down.
The computer guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911.
“Help!” he says, “My buddy just fell down, I think it’s a heart attack and he is DEAD! What do I do? What do I do? He’s DEAD!”
The 911-person says, “Sir, we just have to be calm and do this step by step. I have a rescue on the way, but you have to do exactly what I say and above all, remain calm. OK?”
The guy says, “Yes, JUST TELL ME WHAT TO DO!”
She says, “OK, first, we need to be sure he is really dead. Can you do this?”
Guy says, “OK, just a minute.”
A few seconds later, the 911 person hears the sound of a gunshot. Guy gets back on the phone.
Guy gets on a plane and finds himself seated next to a cute blonde. He
immediately turns to her and makes his move.
“You know,” he says, “I’ve heard that flights will go quicker if you strike
up a conversation with your fellow passenger. So let’s talk.”
The blonde, who had just opened her book, closes it slowly and says to the
guy, “What would you like to discuss?”
“Oh, I don’t know,” says the guy, smiling. “How about nuclear power?”
“OK,” says the blonde. “That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask
you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff –
grass. Yet the deer excretes little pellets, the cow turns out a flat patty,
and the horse produces muffins of dried poop. Why do you suppose that is?”
The guy is dumbfounded. Finally he replies, “I haven’t the slightest idea.”
“So tell me,” says the blonde, “How is it that you feel qualified to discuss
nuclear power when you don’t know shit?”
Mr. Foster loved his new Miata sports car so well he decided to drive it all the way from Florida where he bought it to visit an uncle in Alaska. It was late in the year, and the Alaskan winter proved to be difficult for the little convertable. He was driving too fast on one of Alaska’s rare highways when he hit a patch of ice and skidded off the road into a deep ravine. The car was wedged into a narrow cut in the frozen tundra, and he managed to escape through the convertable top. Now he found himself on a lonely stretch near the end of the highway. He used his cell phone to call his uncle.
“Hey, Unc,” said Foster, “Can you come and get me in your Jeep?”
"I thought you were driving, Steven. What happened?
“I’m okay, but my Mazda’s in the cold, cold ground!”
