Got a bunch:
Two black guys are visiting the Vatican, and they decide to have a barbeque, right outside the Pope’s room. After a while, they see the Pope coming out onto his balcony, and one black guy jumps into the bushes. He sees His Holiness come out, look down at the other black guy, bless him with his hand in the sign of the cross, and go back inside.
As he’s coming out of the bushes, the black guy says, “Man, that is one alright guy! I can’t believe he blessed you!”
“Blessed me?” said the second black guy. “Hell, no! He said, 'You, take your barbeque and the nigger in the bushes and get the hell out of here!”
(I suppose it’s funner with the visual. Anywho…)
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A guy is driving down the road and he sees a sign that says, “The Little Sisters of Mercy Convent and Whorehouse - next right.” Well, being more than a little intrigued, and having a weird fetish for habits, he decides to give it a try.
Sure enough, he turns right, and there it is - “The Little Sisters of Mercy Convent and Whorehouse.” He knocks on the door, and a little old nun opens up the door and lets him in.
“I’m here about the… um…” says the man. The sister holds up her hand. “Say no more, my son. That’ll be $100.” Surprised at her forthrightness, he hands her the money.
The sister says, “Now go down that hallway, take the last door on your right, and there you’ll get what you paid for.” So he goes down the hall, opens the door on the right, walks in…
And winds up outside. Surprised, he turns around, and posted on the door is a sign that says, “You have just been screwed by The Little Sisters of Mercy!”
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Three nuns die and go to heaven. St. Peter says, “Before you can enter, you must wash the part of your body that is unclean by having touched a man’s penis.”
Sheepishly, the first nun approaches the basin and gently washes her hands, and St. Peter lets her in the Pearly Gates.
The second nun approaches the basin, but before she gets there the third nun jumps ahead of her and says, “Hey, at least let me rinse my mouth before she douches!”
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A little old nun was walking home to the convent one night when a man jumps out from behind the bushes, drags her back and has his way with her. Afterwards, he says, “So what are you going to tell the Holy Father now, Sister?”
She says, “I’m going to tell him the truth. I’m going to tell him I was walking home to the convent when a man jumped out from behind the bushes and raped me twice… unless you’re tired.”
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One day the Queen and Lady Diana hop into the Bentley for a drive in the country. They happen upon a man in the road, but when they stop to help him, he jumps up with a gun.
“OK, your highness, give me that wedding ring Charles gave you.”
“Oh, uh, I left it back at the palace,” says Lady Di.
“Huh. Fine, then, your majesty, give me your royal tiara!”
“Oh, uh, I left it back at the palace,” says the Queen.
“Oh, fine, then I’ll just take the car!” And he jumps into the Bentley and drives off.
While walking back to the palace, the Queen says, “Diana, I know you had your ring on when you left the palace. Where did you hide it?”
Diana sheepishly points to her crotch and says, “Down there.” Then she says, “I know you had your tiara on when we left the palace - where did you hide it?”
The queen sheepishly points to her crotch and says, “Down there.”
After a moment more of walking, Princess Di says, “It’s a shame Princess Margaret didn’t come along - we could have saved the Bentley.”
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Father O’Flagherty is in the confessional and he needs to take a pee badly, but there is a line of sinners waiting to repent. He leans out the back of the confessional and grabs Tommy, the altar boy. “Tommy, cover for me!”
Tommy says, “But I don’t know anything about pennance for sins!”
“It’s easy,” says the priest, running off to the john. “There’s a list in there of what pennance people should do depending on what they did. Just read the list!”
So Tommy goes into the confessional, and the first parishoner comes in. “Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned - I had impure thoughts about my brother-in-law.” Tommy looks up “impure thoughts,” and tells the woman to say 10 hail Mary’s.
The second parishoner comes in and says, “Forgive me, father, for I have sinned - I cheated on my wife.” So Tommy looks up “adultery,” and tells them man to say 50 hail Mary’s.
The third parishoner comes in and says, “Forgive me, father, for I have sinned - last night I gave a man a blowjob.” Well, Tommy looks up “blowjob,” but there’s nothing listed, so he leans out the back of the confessional and grabs Jimmy, another altar boy.
“Hey, Jimmy! What does Father O’Flagherty give for a blowjob?”
Jimmy replies, “Two twinkies and a Yoo Hoo.”
(Alternate punchline: “Ten bucks, same as downtown,” which is usually used with a nun instead of an altar boy.)
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Esprix, who has a million of 'em…
Ask the Gay Guy!
