Tallulah Bankhead was sitting in church (which is, in itself, funny). Priest walks by in his vestments, swinging the censer full of incense.
Tallu tugs on his sleeve and whispers, “LOVE the drag, dahling, but your purse is on fire!”
The old standby:
A young man was stranded by the side of the highway. He had been hitchiking for a while but no cars had come by. Finally, off in the distance, he saw a car approaching. He held his thumb high in the air. The car pulled to a stop. It was a Rolls Royce, very fancy. The window rolled down and an older man leaned across the passenger seat and asked the boy if he needed a ride. The boy said yes, and the man asked, “Are you a Democrat or a Republican?”. The boy thought for a while, and remembering what his dad always said, he replied, “I’m a Democrat.” Suddenly the window was rolled up, and the Rolls sped away, leaving the boy by the side of the road.
A while later, a Mercedes pulled over, and a middle aged man rolled the window down. He offered a ride, the boy accepted, and the driver asked, “Are you a Democrat or a Republican?” The boy replied, “I’m a Democrat.” Again the window rolled up and again the boy was left in a cloud of dust.
After an hour or so, the boy saw another car coming. As it pulled up beside him, his eyes popped. Behind the wheel of a red convertible Ferrari was the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. She offered a ride. She asked him the question. He blurted out, “I’m a Republican!”
So he got in and off they drove. As she went faster and faster, the wind in the car picked up, and began to push her skirt higher and higher up her thighs. The boy stared as more and more of her beautiful legs were exposed. Suddenly he shouted, “Stop, pull over, I have to get out!”.
The woman asked, “What’s the matter?”
“I’ve only been a Republican for five minutes,” he said, “and I already feel like screwing somebody!”
stoli
Well, blessed is just about everyone with a vested interest in the status quo,
as far as I can tell.
Well, there were these three traveling salesmen. One was a Hindu, one was a Jew and the third was a Polack. They stop at a farmer’s house and ask to spend the night.
“Sure,” the farmer says, “but I can only put up two of you in the house. One of ya’s’ll have to sleep in the barn.”
“Fine,” says the Jew, “I’ll sleep in the barn.” He goes out there.
A minute later there’s a knock at the door. It’s the Jew. “I’m sorry, I cannot sleep in the barn, there’s a pig in there.”
“Fine,” says the Hindu, “I’ll go.”
A minute later there’s a knock at the door. It’s the Hindu. “I am unable to spend the night in the barn, there is a cow in there.”
“Well, I guess it’s up to me to sleep in the barn, then,” says the Polack. He goes out there. A minute later there’s a knock at the door. It’s the cow and the pig.
Imbibo, ergo sum.
You’re in a lifeboat with Hitler, Stalin and a lawyer, and your gun only has two bullets—what do you do?
Shoot the lawyer twice.
(Am I wrong, or haven’t we insulted lawyers yet? If we have, substitute “agent”)
A Texan, Oregonian, and Californian are on a walk. After a while, the Texan gets bored, and so he pulls a whiskey bottle out of his pocket, throws it into the air, and shoots it midair. The other two stare at him, and he shrugs and says “Where I come from, we have plenty of those to spare.” The Californian thinks for a while, pulls out some wine and shoots it. “Where I come from, we have plenty of those to spare,” he says. The Oregonian looks at the two for a while, then pulls out his gun and shoots the Californian. “Where I come from…”
Here’s a good one: http://www.lotsofjokes.com/cat_51.htm
Life is a tragedy for those who feel and a comedy for those who think.
How does a Tasmanian know when his mom is on the rag?
His brother’s dick tastes like blood.
======
Two peanuts were walking down a street. One was assaulted.
How deos a Texan screw a lightbulb in?
He holds it up to the holder and lets the world rotate around him
Why does it take 2 feminists to change a lightbulb?
It just DOES o.k!
How many lesbians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two. One to screw it in, one to write a folk song about the experience.
President Clinton was being entertained by an African leader. They’d spent the day discussing what the country had received from the Russians before the new government kicked them out. “The Russians built us a power plant, a highway, and an airport. Plus we learned to drink vodka and play Russian roulette.”
President Clinton frowned. “Russian roulette’s not a friendly nice game.” The African leader smiled. “That’s why we developed African roulette. If you want to have good relations with our country, you’ll have to play. I’ll show you how.”
He pushed a buzzer, and a moment later six magnificently built, nude women were ushered in. “You can choose any one of those women to give you oral sex,” he told Clinton.
This gained Clinton’s immediate attention, and
he was ready to make his choice, when a thought occurred to him. “How on earth is this related to Russian roulette?”
The African leader said “One of them is a cannibal.”
This little boy goes to his Dad and asks, “What’s politics?”
Dad says, "Well, son, let me try to explain it to you this way. I’m the breadwinner of the family, so let’s call me ‘Capitalism’.
Your mom, she’s the administrator of the household so we’ll call her 'The Government.
'We’re here to take care of YOUR needs so we’ll call you ‘The People.’
The nanny, well, she works hard all day for very little money so we’ll consider her ‘The Working Class.’
And your baby brother… we’ll call him ‘The Future.’
Now, think about that and see if it makes sense.
So, the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what his Dad has said. Later that night he hears his baby brother crying so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents’ room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny’s room. Finding the door locked, he peeks into the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning, the little boy says to his father, “Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now.”
The father says, “Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is about.”
The little boy replies, “Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit.”
You say “cheesy” like that’s a BAD thing.
Q: How can you spot a WASP*?
A: He steps out of the shower to pee.
Q: How does a WASP propose marriage?
A: “How would you like to be buried with my ancestors?”
Q: How can you spot a group of WASPS?
A: At the chinese restaurant, each orders his own dish.
Q: What is WASP foreplay?
A: Drying the dishes?
Q: What’s white and 10" long?
A: Nothing!
*WASP: White Anglo-Saxon Protestant, i.e. the typical white guy with an ugly Protestant hat.
If Cecil Adams did not exist, we would be obliged to create Him.
Jesse Jackson and the Pope were in a boat, fishing. A strong gust of wind blows by and whips the Pope’s hat off. Jesse gets out of the boat, walks on the water, picks up the Pope’s hat and gives it back to him.
It just so happens that at this time a boat full of reporters is floating by. The next day the headlines read, “Jesse Jackson Can’t Swim.”
A hitchhiker in the Italian countryside comes across a very unhappy guy sitting on a wall.
“Tell me” the hitchhiker says . “Why are you so unhappy on such a beautiful day”?
The Italian answered , " You see this wall I’m sitting on " , pointing to a well constructed stone wall , " I built this wall with my bare hands but do they call me Mario the wall-builder ? . NO! "
“Do you see that pathway over there . I laid that pathway with my bare hands but do they call me Mario the path-layer ? NO!”
“That house on the hill. I built it with my bare hands . It took me 5 years but do the call me Mario the house-builder . NO!”
“I shag one sheep …”
The top 40 things you would NEVER hear a Southerner say, no matter how much they’ve had to drink, no matter how far from the South they’ve wandered and no matter how much the skunks are threatening …
- Oh I just couldn’t, hell, she’s only sixteen.
- I’ll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex.
- Duct tape won’t fix that.
- Honey, I think we should sell the pickup and buy a family sedan.
- Come to think of it, I’ll have a Heineken.
- We don’t keep firearms in this house.
- Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer?
- You can’t feed that to the dog.
- I thought Graceland was tacky.
- No kids in the back of the pickup, it’s just not safe.
- Wrestling’s fake.
- Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?
- We’re vegetarians.
- Do you think my gut is too big?
- I’ll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy.
- Honey, we don’t need another dog.
- Who gives a shit who won the Civil War?
- Give me the small bag of pork rinds.
- Too many deer heads detract from the decor.
- Spittin is such a nasty habit.
- I just couldn’t find a thing at Walmart today.
- Trim the fat off that steak.
- Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.
- The tires on that truck are too big.
- I’ll have the arugula and radicchio salad.
- I’ve got it all on the C drive.
- Unsweetened tea tastes better.
- Would you like your fish poached or broiled?
- My fiance, Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffany’s.
- I’ve got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.
- Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams.
- Checkmate.
- She’s too young to be wearing a bikini.
- Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?
- Hey, here’s an episode of “Hee Haw” that we haven’t seen.
- I don’t have a favorite college team.
- Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side.
- You All.
- Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darlin.
- Nope, no more for me. I’m drivin tonight.
The ones of the south joke that are actually true 
- Duct tape won’t fix that.
- We don’t keep firearms in this house
- You can’t feed that to the dog
- No kids in the back of the pickup, it’s just not safe.
- Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?(whats greenpeace? :))
- I’ll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy.(definately)
- The tires on that truck are too big.
- I’ll have the arugula and radicchio salad.
- Unsweetened tea tastes better.(uggh
- Checkmate.(while this isint actually true i thought it was funny cause i was playin chess in school today)
- Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?
- You All. (this is the best one IMHO) You all aint correct grammar down here, if someone said that id probably just look at them strangely
Okay I apoligize for my non political joke earlier. I will try to redeem myself.
If Ted Kennedy, Dan Quayle, Bob Packwood and Bill Clinton all had a spelling contest, which one would win?
Dan Quayle. He's the only one who knows that harass is one word.
“I have a lot of good ideas, problem is most of them suck.” -George Carlin
A priest and a nun are traveling across the desert on a camel. Suddenly the camel drops dead.
After standing around wandering what they were going to do for a couple of hours, the the priest says to the nun “You know I have never seen a womans breast, and I would hate to die never having had that pleasure. We are surely going to die out here and no one would ever have to know. Can I see your breast sister?”
The nun blushing says “Father, I don’t know, what about our vows?”
The priest says “Sister surely you can see we are going to die out here and no one will ever know. It will be ok, please let me see
your breast.”
The nun says “Well okay father, I guess it is ok since no one will ever know.”
She opens her smock revealing firm, round breast, and the father gasp and says “Oh sister those are very nice. You know, I have never touched a womans breast, and since no one will ever know, could I please touch them also before I die?”
The nun replies “Father I’m not sure, I mean our vows and all.”
The priest says “Sister, no one will ever know, surely we are going to die out here in the middle of the desert.”
The nun says “Ok father, since no one will ever know, I guess it will be alright.”
The priest reaches out and cups her breast in his hands and gently fondles them.
After a few minutes the nun is getting aroused, and says “Father, I have never seen a mans penis in my life, and I would like to see one before I die.”
The priest says “Well sister I don’t see why I can’t show you mine since no one will ever know.”
He unzips his pants and pulls his penis out.
“Oh my, gasp the nun. That is something.”
“May I touch it?” says the nun.
“Yes, I guess that will be alright since no one will ever know.” says the priest.
The nun reaches out her hand and starts to slide it up and down the priest penis. As she does this it starts to harden and she hears the priest groan.
The priest says “You know if I put this in the right place it can bring forth life” to which the nun replies “Well then why don’t you put it up that camels ass and get us the hell out of here!”
Esprix, I’ll have you know that I have said many of those things.
But it was still hilarious!
“You don’t have insurance? Well, just have a seat and someone will be with you after you die.” --Yes, another quality sig custom created by Wally!
A Jesusfied sig: Next time I covet thine opinion, I’ll ask for it!
Duh. Did you actually read the intro to the joke? “The top 40 things you would NEVER hear a Southerner say…” That’s the joke. :rolleyes:
Esprix