Goodbye Weekly World News!

Cafe Society
61

[QUOTE=jackelope]
Kotzwinkle, incidentally, is the guy who wrote E.T. The only similarity I see between the two books is that both feature aliens, though; in The Midnight Examiner they’re being written into the paper, and in E.T. they’re phoning home and stuff.
[/QUOTE]
Well, the trick lies in how you spin it:

ALIEN RUNS UP WORLD RECORD PHONE BILL
Space Alien’s Call Home Racks Up Largest Phone Tab Ever; Nearly Crashes Ma Bell’s Computers

I’ll miss the WWN. Yes, I also read it in the supermarket checkout. Heck, when I was given the weekly office newsletter years ago, a publication that nobody in our office really liked or wanted but that was insisted upon by the Big Boss, I spun it into a nice little rag patterned after the WWN. JFK and Marilyn were behind certain office politics, we ran a “Spot Elvis in the Office” contest, and generally ran all the office news through aliens, Batboys, secret CIA experiments and the like. Folks loved it! Of course, I had to have my own copy of WWN for, you know, “research purposes.” Yeah, that’s it–research purposes. :wink:

Anyway, I’ll be sad to see it go. All the other supermarket tabs are celebrity gossip now. WWN was the only “news” (and I’m using that term very loosely) tab left.

62

[QUOTE=BrainGlutton]
WWN was the only rag that paid regular attention to the doings of the Yeti – the core demographic of the Church of the SubGenius. Now it is silenced. Triumph of the Conspiracy – or triumph of “Bob,” who engineered this so we can continue the heroic struggle in secrecy?
[/QUOTE]

You’re right, it was us.

It must have been years before I got the pun in the headline for their story about frozen waste falling from a plane onto someone’s house:

IT CAME THROUGH THE ROOF LIKE AN ICBM

63

I remember when they ran a “space aliens masquerading as Congresspeople” article. One of our US senators was tabbed as an alien. For a gag the local newspaper called the senator up to get “quotes” about the WWN scoop. Their reply was “How did they find out?”

64

[QUOTE=Tool of the Conspiracy]
It must have been years before I got the pun in the headline for their story about frozen waste falling from a plane onto someone’s house:

IT CAME THROUGH THE ROOF LIKE AN ICBM
[/QUOTE]
So did they nick that from Spider Robinson or vice versa?

65

*What will I read about now?
Where will the aliens land?
Who’ll report three-headed cows
And all the government’s secret plans?

And where are you, Elvis and Hitler?
Don’t wanna lose track of you!
I can’t imagine life without Ed Anger;
Bat Boy’s too young to be singin’ the blues…

So goodbye, Weekly World News;
There’s a gap in the tabloid aisle now!
No more Loch Ness monster headlines
And cats that weigh 80 pounds.

Bigfoot’s gone back to his wife in the woods;
Satan’s schemes won’t be on view;
Oh why didn’t the psychics predict what lies
Beyond the Weekly World News?*

66

I had a subscription, back in the early '90’s. It was a great way to get some really unusual junk mail. One year, I did, in fact, give my mother a framed article as a present. For what it was, it was the best.

67

[QUOTE=DrFidelius]
Brainiac –

Was that a follow-up to “Bigfoot Stole my Wife – and made her PREGNANT!” around 1980?
[/QUOTE]

Not particularly, just on WWN’s frequent usage of Yeti/Bigfoot headlines. We SubGenii are, of course, proud descendants of the Atlantean Yeti (sadly diluted by admixture of inferior human blood). You can read the story in Revelation X.

68

*And here’s to you, Weekly World News,
Bigfoot loves you more than you will ever know.
Batboy bless you, please Weekly World News.
Hubble photographed Heaven today,
Hey, hey, hey

We’d like to read about the yeti in your files
We’d like to let you help us protect Santa’s elves.
Looking around us, all we see are alien spies,
There’s a hole in the ground with Satan’s bones.

And here’s to you, Weekly World News,
Bigfoot loves you more than you will ever know.
Batboy bless you, please Weekly World News.
Hubble photographed Heaven today,
Hey, hey, hey

Batboy’s hiding someplace, no one knows.
Hitler’s in the pantry with your cupcakes.
It’s a little secret, like the tribbles in Shatner’s hair.
Most of all, you’ve got to show us the latest Elvis vids.

Koo-koo-ka-choo, Weekly World News,
Bigfoot loves you more than you will ever know.
Batboy bless you, please Weekly World News.
Hubble photographed Heaven today,
Hey, hey, hey

There’s killer sofas on the Moon.
Ed Anger’s getting irate.
Laugh about it, shout about it
Every day without the News
Ensures that we humans loose.

Where have you gone, Madame Malisa?
Our nation needs your advisa!
What’s that you say, Weekly World News?
Your paper’s folded and you’ve gone away
Hey, hey, hey*

With apologies to Cylon and Garfunkel.

69

[QUOTE=DrFidelius]
Brainiac –

Was that a follow-up to “Bigfoot Stole my Wife – and made her PREGNANT!” around 1980?
[/QUOTE]

Not as far as I know, although the timing would make it possible – I recall seeing the “Bigfoot’s Sex Slave” headline in the mid-to-late 80s.

70

psychics’ Heads Explode In Esp Duel!

71

I know the stories are fake, but I liked to read them anyway.

I would buy it every time I was in the US, just to leave in the office here. Great fun. Still the quality of the latest issues have not been up to snuff. They had an advice column written by a horse for some reason.

The editor who brought the WWN to prominence died a couple of three years ago. It has gone downhill since.

72

NOOOOOOOOOO!

I’ll never get a chance to write my series of articles about a reincarnated Rasputin and his prophecies!

73

The Garth Brooks Juice Diet!

“This paper has the 7th highest circulation in the world I’ll have you know”

74

I should’ve known that so many people here would recognize WWN as some of the funniest comedy writing going on. I loved it. Damn, you can’t order a Batboy tshirt off their site.

Grrrrrr! Or Horse Born with Human Face.

sigh.

75

My favorite WWN headline was Man Finds Tiny Mermaid In TunaFish Sandwich!

76

The only use I have for the tabloids is Group Camping and Cabin Bathroom Reading Material.

Sitting around the campfire or on the toilet, on vacation, and you want something to occupy your brain for a few minutes that will make you laugh.

Good stuff.

77

[QUOTE=Wee Bairn]
Or the politicians are the aliens.
[/QUOTE]

Thanks again for the tip-off – I won the auction. :smiley:

78

NPR’s saying that the website will stay active. Here’s hoping. Anybody know when the last issue’s scheduled to hit the news stand? Gotta have a keepsake.

79

There’s one still on the newstand at my grocery store. It even has a “Children’s letters to Bat-Boy!” featured on the front cover.

80

So sad. Whatever happened to the shaved chimp that Saddam and Osama adopted together? Did Osama get custody or did it become a ward of the State? The pictures of their gay love affair were some of the best (now I wonder if the White House was a subscriber).

Bat boy was my all time favorite, though.