Weekly World News claims to be ‘The World’s Only Reliable Newspaper’. And I believe them! They can be relied upon to print utter nonsense!
But it’s funny utter nonsense.
I picked up a couple of issues last week because they’re so hilarious. Who can’t resist ‘Skeleton Of Real Santa Found In Chimney!’? One story is about ‘Frosty the Badass’. Seems some guys up in Alaska built a snowman on a metal frame and outfitted it with a bandoleer and a bullet nose. They called it ‘Frosty the Badass’. The snowman disappeared overnight, and criminals started showing up in icicle cells. The sheriff ‘refuses to explain the sudden increase of prisoners’. The sheriff’s name? Ivan Burles!
Apparently sound is slowing down. With so much ‘noise pollution’ from iPods, mobile phones, TVs and dishwashers, ‘sound molecules [emphasis mine] are bumping into each other and slowing down.’
Oh, and Dubya is going to run for President of Mexico in 2010… after Connecticut is retroactively (to 1946, the year of Bush’s birth) made part of Mexico. This will make Bush a ‘Mexican citizen by birth, in the full enjoyment of his rights.’
I wonder if anyone actually believes this stuff? The stereotype is people of Certain Regions, Economically Tenuous, Intelligence Negligible (CRETINs) do. But I can’t imagine that anyone is that lacking in critical thinking. Certainly everyone who reads this rag must do as an alternative to MAD magazine.
Damn, that’s where I put it. I kept asking Bat-Boy if he’d seen it, and he just squealed and devoured an apple. Ever since he joined the Marines to fight the war on terror, he hasn’t been the same.
No secret pleasure for me - I’m reading it LOUD AND PROUD! It is the latest version of MAD magazine. I don’t usually buy rags, but I had to buy the recent edition with “KITTEN GUILTY OF MURDER!” on the cover - complete with a picture of an adorable fuzzy kitten, strapped down and awaiting the lethal injection. The owner of Fluffy, the murderin’ feline, was Thomas Jerry. You just know that the guys writing this stuff are sitting there, drinking beer and eating pizza, and egging each other on.
It seems that they were building one-man wooden subs deep in the Wisconsin woods, which they were going to use to come down the lake and use to torpedo ships in Chicago. What a fiendishly diobolical plan! I wonder why it didn’t work.
Then there wa the ill-starred romance of Saddam Husein and Osama bin Laden. Brought to an ignominious conclusion when Saddam, IIRC, began to develop feelings for a romantic rival – his camel.
One of my dream jobs would be to work there. Imagine sitting around all day, coming up with a story more insane than the guy in the cubicle next to you.
Then figuring out how to get just the right picture to go with article.
Several years ago I thought of sending them a story about an Evil Doctor in Africa who is transplanting the necks of giraffes onto hapless tribespeople. I was going to make a photo showing a poor schlub with a six-foot giraffe neck extension between his body and head.
But then I realised they can make the stuff up by themselves and wouldn’t need to pay a freelancer.
I haven’t read WWN in a couple of years. What is Bat-Boy up to these days? Last I heard he was going to Afganistan to root out bin Ladin, but since we no longer care about that guy, I expect he’s been re-assigned.
They really should give him a double-oh number or something. Or maybe the Presidential Medal of Freedom.
Remember Clinton’s three breasted secretary? And how Clinton had a hands on managment style and the secretary was willing to serve under him? And she was trained to handle whatever “pops up” around the office?
Yeah, I’d kill to work for that paper too. I love writing crazy stuff and that’s my dream job.
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