Oh baby. It’s not often that my favorite check-out line journal gets it SO RIGHT, about once every six months.
Front Page Lead Story (see page 8): Corpse found in Titanic life ring! Woman had floated in North Atlantic for 88 years with a ring still on her finger!
Page 2 and 3: Steering wheel from Noah’s Ark found! (and they’ve got PHOTOS of it)
Page 5: Tickling can cause childhood asthma!
Page 6: Mysterious “Face on Mars” sculpture found in Israeli desert.
In other news on Page 6, Undersea cracks could trigger tidal waves off the East Coast of the U.S.
Page 7: “Pick up homeless people like dogs…then put 'em to sleep if they aren’t adopted,” says conservative group!
Page 8: the Titanic life ring story.
Page 11: Sleeping on the job is good for you–and some companies are beginning to agree! (includes pictures of JFK, Churchill, Edison, and Napoleon, all of whom took naps and were brilliant and famous, so if you take naps, you’ll be brilliant and famous, too)
In other news on Page 11: Popcorn shocker! (Botanists have developed a variety of corn that comes off the stalk already popped!)
Page 15: Lost Continent of Atlantis found 1,200 feet below Antarctica!
The WWN hits a solid double on Page 16: Newest fad pet in Japan: Miniature lions (standing just 10 inches tall, nicknamed “lionettes”), and Giant Ants! (a new breed of Amazon army ants the size of hamsters)
Page 19: California teens smoking cigarettes made from human flesh!
Page 22: Police blame powerful new perfume for 6 rapes! (it has “pheromones” in it, driving the attackers into uncontrollable frenzies of lust)
Page 23, Dear Dottie: Dear Dottie–My lovely bride-to-be blows her nose on our tablecloth!
Page 24 (the big centerfold spread): Lost sermon of Jesus found! (He says, among other things, “I will come again to comfort thee, and again and and yet again.” Evidently it’s like where the elevator doors keep closing on you…)
Page 26: King Arthur’s sword Excalibur found by divers!
Page 27, Ask Serena–America’s Sexiest Psychic: Why do my new shoes walk by themselves?
Page 31: Will your marriage last? (Ask yourself these questions, such as, “When discussing plans for the future, do you say ‘we’ or ‘I’?”)
In other news on page 31: Old West outlaw Jesse James was a sissy-boy cross-dresser!
Page 33: Ever feel like running over somebody? Well, you can mow down pedestrians like flies in Brazil–and not a damn thing will happen to you!
Page 38: Time travelers, NOT space aliens, are abducting human beings!
Page 40: Secret prophecies hidden in White House vault! (Reagan commissioned 200 psychics to predict the future for him back in 1982, and under the Freedom of Information Act these are finally being released to the public. Nuclear disaster in Billings, Montana, Super-twisters and megastorms rake America leaving death and despair in their wake [6,166 dead], aliens will go on TV in 2002, in 2003 the Feds are gonna take all parental rights away and FORCE the kids into day-care, viruses, depression, drought, famines, and last but not least, in 2003 the Earth’s magnetic poles will shift and the whole world will be turned upside-down!)
And for dessert, Page 46: Miracle on the gallows! Pregnant woman hanged–then gives birth at the end of the rope!
I love this stuff.