Grading Mr. Chick's entertainment value

In My Humble Opinion
1

I’m not sure if this is the board but what the heck.
In the BBQ Pit there was a discussion on Jack Chick’s newest Tract and though it turned into a discussion on Wicca One post caught my attentiuon for a nifty exercise.

Here is the quote below as I’m a doofus who doesn’t know how to link to thinks:
originally posted by delphica

Ok so what I was wondering if anyone was interested in trying to grade each of the tracts available by the intrepid Mr. Chick in a similar manner. Anyone game?
If so please put the name of Tract in your subject heading and grade away.

2

Satan Announcing Upcoming Festival (which appears to be Mardis Gras) - +5 Points

Satan Far Less Spooky-looking than his Demons - -10 points

Old Lady Awakened by God Emits Giant Sperm Cells from Head - +15 points

Old Lady Wears a Hat from the '50s - +5 points

Catlike Animal Pointing at Worried Demon in Bacground - +15 points

Satan Wears Priest’s Collar - +20 points

Peace Symbol Prominently Displayed at ‘Club Paradise’ - +5 points

Satan using Cute Mask - +5 points

Satan Poisoning Party Girl’s Vodka - -20 points

Old Lady Finds Childlike Reveller who Recognizes Party Girl from Photo - -5 points

Incredibly Badly Drawn Partiers - -15 points

Granny Temporarily Looks Like Ving Rhames in Drag - +10 points

Party Girl Gets Progressively Cuter as Granny Explains Bible Stories - +5 points

Score: 35

3

Airline tragedy +5

Woman who is concerned about engine, but does not change facial expression -5

Couple being seated next to convicted killer +50

Horrified look on womans face seated next to convicted killer +100

Woman apparently sniffing cat sh*t -50

Convicted killer asking couple to be saved while plummeting to the ocean +10

Plane crashes, and sinks to bottom in one piece +20

Naked old people in heaven -100

Evil look on Eve’s face +10

Old people whining to God -5

Haughty old couple being tossed into Hell +30
Total score= 65

4

Allah had no Son:

Asshole Chick-type Christian “their moon god” in frame 1: +5
Arab caricature as representative of Islam: +10
Arab calling christian"infidel" and threatening to kill him: +20
The muslim plan to take over the world in frames 6 - 8: +20
Arab, surrounded by fire, declares Jesus is Lord: +35
By way of evidence, Chick quotes another Chick publication: +10

All in all, a solid 100. Far and away, the most entertaining chick publication to date. Two thumbs up.

5

Homosexuals threatening to unleash “blood terrorism” +10

The Sign that states “Celebrate Sodomy” +50

The Camera man that looks like a Gay Clark Gable +10

They Gay asks not to be converted and still hangs around to listen -10

Clark complaining about doing his job by taping for 3 hours -10

A cameo from one of the Villiage people + 20

Calling Sodom DOOM TOWN +10

The Sweaty Kiss between the Drag Queen and the Sweaty guy +10

Lenin telling another man “She’s MY wife you @!!!**! Pervert” and the wife is a drag queen +15

The implied then overt implication homosexuals prefer young boys -30

The Drag Queens decending on Lot’s house +15

Lot Offering his virgin daughters to the drooling mob +20

Bringing Moses into the story when he has no relevence to it -10

Instant conversion of Sean -25
Total Score 65.

6

One steadfast rule… If there is no HAW HAW HAW in the Tract automatically deduct 20 points.

7

Beelzebubba -I was going to do that one, but switched at the last moment…Good job!

kingpengvin -Mine didn’t have any “HAW HAW HAW’s”, but it did have a great “YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!” at the end when the couple was being tossed into Hell…Do I still need to deduct?
I think someone needs to direct Jack over here to see the great fun we are having…Maybe we could get in one of his tracts. “Internet Poison” or something. :smiley:

8

Well just give a +20 for the YAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! and it will cancel out the missing HAW HAW HAW. I think a HAW HAW would only be worth 15 and a HAW is worth 5.

If only Jack would come by I’d love to ask him so many questions.

I’m hoping this thread will cover all of the tracts. that way anyone new to Chick can have a guide to the best and worth of Chick. (Aw hell they’re all pretty bad) Feel free to post anymore reviews you feel like.

9

You all are great at this!

My recommendation would be that the lack of HAW HAW HAW is an automatic -20, unless there is another excellent use of an extremely pointless loud sound. I would go ahead and give the YAAAAAAAAAH the HAW HAW HAW points.

DOOM TOWN. That’s so rich.

10

ohh I forgot jcmckaig you should add at least 30 points for the old guy yelling “Shut up We’re Crashing!”

11

SIN CITY

Tract name from Frank Miller - +70

A big parade full of burly homosexuals threatened by one single man - -10

Homosexual policemen - -20

Homosexual policeman has eyeshade - +30

Homosexual policemen beating up a Christian - -40

“Hi, I’m Revender Ray and I’m gay!” - +50

Zanah the devil’s shit-eating grin - +30

Yet again, Jack-T.-Chick-Look-A-Like is called to save the day - -20

Bird flying around with stiletto in frame 12 - +30

“I’m going to pray right now!” in frame 18 - +10

Jack Chick “forgets” to tell about the less Christian details of a Lot story, like Lot offering his two virgin daughters to the “homosexuals”: -30

A “revender” apparently knows so little of Bible as to forget his interpretion of Bible story with as little as basic retelling of that story: -50

The guy who get beaten up is basically forgotten: -30

Ray’s sleazy forehead hair disappears in frame 30, as he converts to Lord - +10

Ray is noticeably fatter in frame 7 than in the last frame before the text part: +20

So, 50 points for http://www.chick.com/reading/tracts/5003/5003_01.asp

12

The classic tract…

Gamers have no pizza -15

Shouting and spilling coke when character dies +15

DM refers to characters as ‘the wizard’ or ‘the thief’ -10

“YOU’RE DEAD! You don’t exist anymore” +20

Tract title also module title on DM’s screen +5

Lvl 8 priests have access to same spell levels as Lvl 7 priests -5

Huge pentagram and witches in monk’s robes +10

No goats -15

Debbie’s Satanic snarl in frame 6 +30

Gamer fights zombie without DM supervision -5

Debbie screams NOOOOOOOO! +5

Good action when DM tries to shake Debbie into character +20

Debbie’s collar changes between frames 18 and 21 -10

“Burn them” in bold, italics, and underlined +15

Ghostly influence of D&D leaves Debbie with laying of hands +10

A good old fashioned bonfire +10

No HAWs at all -20

TOTAL: 60

13

Jack Chick is either as nutty as a squirrel or the greatest satirist who ever lived. :smiley:

Review of Boo!

For no apparent reason, ordinary folks renting a cabin in the woods decide to conduct a Satanic sacrifice -15
(Come on, Jack. You can do a better setup than that!)

Samhain is depicted as a psycho killer with a pumpkin head carrying a gas-powered chainsaw. +20

Supreme Evil One is thwarted by the quoting of a Bible verse. +10

Tortured logical link between Halloween and “Satanism exploding among kids today” +15

Druid present at human sacrifices (+10) is shown carrying an Ankh, which is Egyptian in origin, not Celtic. -20

Devil yells, HAW! HAW! +20

14

That sounds like a good movie title.

15

OK, here’s another Chick classic…

The Death Cookie

The title: +15

Silly-looking extras in the first panel: -5

The fact that I can’t quite put my finger on who the protagonist reminds me of: -5

The goofy-looking cat going for the cheese in the background: +10

The two all-black panels: -10

The statement that Osiris was a sun god: +5

Attributing the doctrine of transubstantiation to the ancient Egyptians: -10

“My friend, if we pull this off, this cookie will become a death cookie for anyone who opposes our Holy Work”: +10

The fat, sleazy-looking Pope: +15

The insinuation that St. Peter (by tradition, the first Pope) was a complete sleazebag in league with Satan: -15

Correct etymology of the expression “Hocus Pocus”: +5 (it’s derived from the Latin hoc est corpus, for the purpose for which Chick uses it)

The hooded guy with his nose sticking out: +5

The freaky use of baby talk (“Mama Church,” “Holy Papa”): -5

The suggestion that the Catholics are the ones who characterize Jesus as perpetually angry: -20

The footnote that says the letters IHS on the host stand for “Isis, Horus, and Seth”: +10

The suggestion that Catholics don’t know about the first commandment: -15

The rather unspecific history of scriptural translation: -10

“…and the naughty children were captured to be purified (Ouch)”: +5

Urging people to “love your enemies”: +10

The implication that the Vatican is specifically mentioned in Revelations, with a footnote citing a Chick Publications text: +5

“Today, kings, presidents, and dictators fear the power of the Catholic laws”: +15

The fact that all cites for Catholic doctrine come from the Council of Trent: -15

The implications of the “next Inquisition”: +5

The little demon on the host, grabbing the lady’s face: +10

Lack of HAW HAW HAW or other entertaining loud noises: -20

Which comes out to 95, even without the HAW HAW HAW – highly entertaining, if wildly, nay, painfully deficient in the realm of facts.

16

[URLhttp://www.chick.com/reading/tracts/0045/0045_01.asp]BEWITCHED
(hope that worked)
Crappy Chick drawing of Goofy looking demon in futuristic control room of hell +10
Satan calling a meeting to tell them he has to watch TV and they have to wait (This guy really is evil) +15
The Jolly Prince of Darkness in the flaming chair pissing himself laughing +20
Putting a THE END on Bewitched showing Chick never saw the show. -15
Satan Calling his minions “stupid” +5
Claiming Bewitched has paved the way for occult and vampire programming +10
The entire breakdown of progress by guys who looked as if they stepped out of “The Scream” + 10
Bringing in the One World Government scare and implicating the UN +10
Slipping in a hidden Anti Catholic jab +5
an Errol Flynn looking Satan Being bugged by one Grandma and One Girl -10
Ashley’s background making her a martyr -10
Selling this 70’s message as a modern story +20
“What about your mom? Oh she’s dead… that’s a bummer” +50
Chick acting is Psychics and Mediums actually have any power to contact the Dead -20
The Medium letting out a gassy discharge +10
Martyr Grandma fasting and Praying -20
Doofus “The Scream” guy trying to convince her not to go while helping her hitch a ride +10
Obviously Fasting doesn’t include tea?? +10
The melting face appears +10
And appears to have more weight than the real Ashley +5
The doctor knows both the heart attack was caused by a flashback -10
And knows the time when she may be dead (Around 8:pm) -10
Grandma doesn’t want to save her useless ass just her useless soul -15
The Doofus twins being politely shown the door +5
9:30?!?! Looks like the Doc was a twit! +10
Is this the first thing you really want to hear after a LSD flashback induced Heart attack? -10
Her brain was melting she didn’t even try to argue, unless she was just paying lip service. -10
Say if she was conscious at 9:30 and dead by 2 am… Man what a crappy HMO!! +5
It took the Doc “just 10 minutes” to proclaim her dead and call grandma =10
So the doofus “The Scream” guy is going to be more sorry than hanging out with Errol Flynn in Hell? +15
Two examples of a HAW HAW cancel out the missing third HAW.

his is the toppermost of the poppermost in Chick terms 115 (oops… round down to make it an even 100)

17

Trust Me
[ul][]Concerned with “The Dope Menace” Free +10[]Public Transit w/ small-arms fire and toddler being dangled by ankles – +10[]Subtle (for Chick) subtextual story with the rat, cat, and dog. +5[]Astoundingly unimaginative main story. -30[]This panel makes a great sticker- +15[]Narc holding gun to kid’s head.[]Cute Cartoon Prison-rape. +15[]There’s no “HAW! HAW! HAW!..” -20[]…but you know Chick considered adding one after “It’s AIDS!” and then thought better of it. +10[]Pitiful self-promotion when protaganist is SAVED by someone wordlessly handing them a Jack Chick Tract -10[/ul]I don’t feel like doing my sums. Chalk it up to collateral ignorance.

18

Well, Larry, Jack says in another panel that education is a tool of Satan, so you’re probably all the better for it – but the total is 105. No offense, but I didn’t think it was that good… :wink:

(Oh, and you forgot to give or take points for the narc with the gun.)

As it turns out, in the Harry Potter movie sinister custodian Argus Filch looked a lot like this guy. However, I wrote this rating before I saw the movie, so the score stands. :smiley:

19

The Bull (my entertainment value index: HAW Ha)

Extraneous details throughout set-up of story… -15
Unexplained, unresolved pain in warden’s side… -5
YAAAAAA and “No, sir! (gasp)”… +5
Bull bends bars on cell door/RATTLE RATTLE… +5
Wimpy, sweaty, fearful guard watching Bull do that… +5
Bull saved by Jack Chick tract found in solitary… +25
Bull saves insincere chaplain by quoting J.C. tract… +15
God hates rape if it’s sodomy… +5
“…shut up or I’ll break your legs…I wouldn’t read this stuff to you if I didn’t love you”… +10
Governor & all power of State intimidated by Bull…+5
Warden gets award for doing nothing…-5
Governor says he feels “like a dirty, rotten sinner”…+5
Overall, not lurid or violent enough for a prison tale…-15
Last panel contains warning to those of us who laugh…+10

TOTAL Score…50

My entertainment value index: 50% = HAW Ha
key:
HAW HAW HAW = perfect score (full guffaw)
HAW HAW = 2/3 funny (hearty laugh)
HAW Ha = half-assed funny (decent chuckle)
HAW = 1/3 funny (grins, barely audible response)