Great advertising--say what you don't mean.

The BBQ Pit
1

I switched deodorants recently, basically by asking my husband to pick up something that wasn’t scented and wasn’t what I was using before. He came home with a stick deodorant, unscented, that proclaimed on its front, “No White Residue!” I was kind of perplexed. My previous deodorant, a gel, did not leave any white residue. I don’t remember ever experiencing a white residue problem when using any kind of deodorant, so white residue was not something I would expect from any deodorant.

So what do you think? I use it, and no shit, I get white residue on my clothes! Maybe because I was expecting not to?

Second example: I am slowly replacing light bulbs with those long-lasting energy-efficient ones. On the package it says, “Instant on!” Well, sure. Light bulbs are like that, right? YOu flip the switch and they come on. Why make a big deal about it?

Well. . . because these have a . . . slight . . . delay. Just a couple of seconds really, but then it takes them a couple of minutes (and by “minute” I mean “60 seconds”) to reach full intensity. Aha! So that’s what “instant on!” means! I never knew that, see, because the incandescent bulbs I always used never said that, and they did come on, well, instantly.

I think I’ve got it now. If it says “No white residue”! then there will be a white residue, and if it says “Instant on!” it means there will be a slight delay, and if it says “New, improved!” that means it’s the same old stuff–possibly even worse. “New fresh scent!” probably means it smells like either cat piss or vanilla. “Now with soothing aloe” probalby means I will break out in a rash.

As long as I’m ranting about advertising I will throw in another fave. This is the political ad. I hear a lot of them lately. They go something like this:

[REALLY LOUD]Incumbent John Doe thinks your money is his, because while in office he voted himself and his colleagues a huge raise and then raised taxes to fund it. John Doe voted to strip-mine the mountains! John Doe voted to take pensions away from widows and orphans! And what does John Doe think about education? Nothing! And what does John Doe think about illegal aliens? Nothing! I’m not even going to get into the allegations that John Doe is a pedophile, that John Doe kicks kittens, that John Doe smoked illegal drugs in college and maybe beyond, or that John Doe is a despicable human being who should be shot! John Doe’s record speaks for itself![/LOUD]

[Normal volume]This message brought to you by Sleazy Smith for Senator. I’m Sleazy Smith and I approved this message.

Sorry, Sleazy. That is a dumb ad. What I hear: Your opponent’s name, over and over and over. What I don’t hear: Your name OR your position on certain things, like illegal immigration or whether kittens should be kicked. By virtu of airing this ad and saying you endorse it you have proved that you are too stupid for me to vote for, sorry. By the time the election rolls around your opponents may have all similarly disqualified themselves too; thus is life in a democracy where politicos write their own ads instead of hiring trained professionals.

2

Even the gel deodorant would leave white marks on my black clothes- it was lame. The only kind I’ve found is that new Dove that says it wont leave white marks- is that what you’re talking about? That stuff works fine for me. . . don’t tell me they changed it already, please!

3

"Subway! Eat fresh!"

There are many reasons to go to Subway. They’re everywhere, so they’re likely convenient to you. They’re quick. They’re relatively cheap, for a sub joint. They taste okay. They have a wide variety of breads, meats and vegetables to choose from. They have cookies.

Actually, there’s only major downside to eating at Subway, and that is that you have about a 15% chance of getting ingredients that haven’t been sitting around on the counter for a couple of hours by the time you get there. The bread is usually just starting to go stale, the vegetables are wilted, the cheese is made from a double-secret recipe that makes an ancient Kraft Single taste sort of like cheddar/provolone/what-have-you. The chicken is floating in a bucket of warm water for fuck’s sake. Fresh? My ass.

I can only conclude that advertisers believe themselves so innately effective that everyone is already aware of their product and its strengths. Therefore, the only thing left to do is convince them that the product’s weaknesses don’t actually exist…which should be easy, because, after all, advertising is omnipotent. And hey, the few people who are smart enough to figure out what we’re up to might still use our product anyway, because of the advantages they already know it does have. It’s a win-win situation!

Fuckers.

4

The phrase is “Smells like cat piss or worse.” Did you not see the movie? :smiley:

This has unsettled me in the past, too. You see a product advertising, “Now with fewer unexplained rashes!” and think, rashes were a problem? Thanks for bringing that up - I think I’ll use your competitor’s product, thank you very much.

I’m finding most commercials these days are leaving me feeling quite angry. I don’t remember the product or the company, but I know that the commercial was blatantly manipulative/stupid/annoying (and often all three, for the advertising hat trick), and I go out of my way to not watch them.

5

The Advertising Claim: Your super-hip munchkin and his skateboard-grindin’ homeys will pile over themselves like a box of crack-twitchy kittens to get themselves an ice-cold glass of that super-cool-manchu beverage, Sunny Delight, or as it’s known to the way fly on the street, Sunny D.

The Reality: Your kid thinks Sunny Delight is lamer than a one-legged centipede.

6

Thankfully the advertising trend in the automotive industry is getting away from this, but using commercial to show what your product DOESN’T do annoys the shit out of me. One of the first examples of this I remember shows an SUV driving under water through a school of sharks to show how safe the vehicle is. Of course for people to stupid to figure it out for themselves, there is the obligatory disclaimer at the bottom of the screen that explains that you shouldn’t try to drive this SUV under water. Why don’t they just show a commercial pointing out why you should buy the product.

7

My personal favorite example of this is that Arby’s is now very excitedly telling you about their real natural chicken. It makes you think, a) what was it before?, and b) so what’s the roast beef, a petroleum product?

8

At Arby’s? Very likely.

9

You thought that when they used the phrase ‘an edible oil product’ they were kidding?

10

No, but I hear that at (jumpin’) jack-in-the-box, it’s a gas, gas, gas.

11

Or it just gives you gas, gas, gas. I get confused.

12

You’re fortunate. I get white residue from every brand, every type (gel, solid, soft solid). I usually have to rinse my shirt off before I go out for the day. For some of us, white residue is a very real problem that affects us and our loved ones every day. :frowning: :wink:

Ugh, maybe it’d be cooler if it didn’t taste like orange-flavored milk.

13

My deodorant says no white residue. I peel that sticker off, cause it’s a big fat lie. My fool proof method of having no white residue is that I roll my shirts so that the outside is protected and I’m only leaving white residue on the inside of my shirts. Works like a charm. But yeah - no white residue MY ASS.

14

Not Dove–it’s Mennen. I think its name is “No White Residue!” since that’s the biggest thing on the front sticker.

This gets REALLY funny when they abbreviate the ad on the sign out front. New! Real “chicken”–somebody should take their quotation marks away, permanently.

15

. . . And thicker than cold maple syrup. I could see a man turning down a glass of Sunny D after crawling through the desert for days without water - because it would make him too thirsty. That stuff is the farthest thing from a thirst-quencher I can imagine. I’d rather drink talcum.

16

Especially when, as we noted above, it’s really their “beef” that’s in question.

17

~snicker~

18

Actually, if you look close, you’ll see it says **New! Real “chicken” *, and, in very very very small print at the bottom of the poster:
*** Arby’s “chicken” is a chicken-flavored meat byproduct. May not contain meat.

19

Huh. Give the Almay clear gel unscented a try. I use it and I don’t think I have any white schmutz. Then again, I usually wear light-colored pastel blouses.

::checking sleeve underarms::

20

Meat by-product is interesting. Basically, take a chicken, remove all the meat, then grind up everything that’s left - viola! Chicken by-product! Mm-mm good.