So I’m standing naked in my backyard (not the grossness - thanks for the thought!) because it’s friggin hot outside AND inside and I just want the dog to come in so I can go to bed (see, that’s why I’m naked). She’s been out there for an hour.
But she won’t come inside so I go put some clothes on and get a flashlight to go inspect. But she’s afraid of flashlights (don’t ask) and as soon as she sees me at the door with one she scurries inside.
I get naked again and lie down in bed. She looks at me like she wants to go back outside and I’m like “no way. I betcha there’s a dead animal out there. We’ll deal with it tomorrow!” and she persists by going into the hallway which she usually does when she’s wanting to go outside.
Then, the unmistakeable arched back of a wretching dog. Pukes a large pile of pukiness in the hallway. So now I know there’s a dead animal outside and she has eaten it. Out of curiosity I inspect the puke to see how much dead animal is in it.
So I’m bending over naked in the hallway trying to simultaneously move the puke into the toilet via plastic bag, and trying not to puke myself. It’s green. Chunky and green. Green like great green gobs of greasy grimy gopher guts…
I managed not to puke and realized it wasn’t greasy grimy gopher guts but the contents of her nightly can of green beans. Whew! But yet something meaty as well…shudder
I find the dog to console her and tell her it’s ok to puke inside and thank you for not puking on the bed. I bring her a bowl of water and she drinks the whole thing plus one more.
Then she wants to go outside again and I let her cuz ya know…puky and full of water.
I go put my clothes on again and get a flashlight and tour the yard to inspect. I had seen her staring at me from the back fence so I make a careful beeline to the area. I move my light down the length of the fence and like some horror movie it lands on…
Gopher. Gopher guts.
Ok not a gopher (wtf is a gopher?) but a groundhog. A large. Dead. Grounhog.
With pieces missing.
omg omg omg
I decide this is not a job for me and my shovel (as in…where the hell does one dispose of a 40-pound dead gopher with pieces missing?! Especially in this heat…) and wrangle up the dog and come inside.
So I called the police.
Not 911 but the non-emergency number. And got a nice young lady on the other end who told me she’d pass my info on to the service department who will “probably come pick it up tomorrow.”
Damn they’d better come pick it up tomorrow (technically later today). I see on the city’s service dept. web page that they offer “roadkill pickup.” Let’s hope they are fooled into thinking the dead grounhog with pieces missing that is smooshed against the inside of my back fence was hit by a car and flung 100 yards to it’s final resting spot.
As for the dog…well she gets to go on her morning pee via leash tomorrow, and we’ll probably have a trip to the vet to make sure our tummy’s feeling better (and we have no groundhog-bourne diseases.)
I can’t believe I didn’t puke.