Great green gobs of greasy grimy gopher guts - TMI for sure

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

So I’m standing naked in my backyard (not the grossness - thanks for the thought!) because it’s friggin hot outside AND inside and I just want the dog to come in so I can go to bed (see, that’s why I’m naked). She’s been out there for an hour.

But she won’t come inside so I go put some clothes on and get a flashlight to go inspect. But she’s afraid of flashlights (don’t ask) and as soon as she sees me at the door with one she scurries inside.

I get naked again and lie down in bed. She looks at me like she wants to go back outside and I’m like “no way. I betcha there’s a dead animal out there. We’ll deal with it tomorrow!” and she persists by going into the hallway which she usually does when she’s wanting to go outside.

Then, the unmistakeable arched back of a wretching dog. Pukes a large pile of pukiness in the hallway. So now I know there’s a dead animal outside and she has eaten it. Out of curiosity I inspect the puke to see how much dead animal is in it.

So I’m bending over naked in the hallway trying to simultaneously move the puke into the toilet via plastic bag, and trying not to puke myself. It’s green. Chunky and green. Green like great green gobs of greasy grimy gopher guts…

I managed not to puke and realized it wasn’t greasy grimy gopher guts but the contents of her nightly can of green beans. Whew! But yet something meaty as well…shudder

I find the dog to console her and tell her it’s ok to puke inside and thank you for not puking on the bed. I bring her a bowl of water and she drinks the whole thing plus one more.

Then she wants to go outside again and I let her cuz ya know…puky and full of water.

I go put my clothes on again and get a flashlight and tour the yard to inspect. I had seen her staring at me from the back fence so I make a careful beeline to the area. I move my light down the length of the fence and like some horror movie it lands on…

Gopher. Gopher guts.

Ok not a gopher (wtf is a gopher?) but a groundhog. A large. Dead. Grounhog.

With pieces missing.

omg omg omg

I decide this is not a job for me and my shovel (as in…where the hell does one dispose of a 40-pound dead gopher with pieces missing?! Especially in this heat…) and wrangle up the dog and come inside.

So I called the police.

Not 911 but the non-emergency number. And got a nice young lady on the other end who told me she’d pass my info on to the service department who will “probably come pick it up tomorrow.”

Damn they’d better come pick it up tomorrow (technically later today). I see on the city’s service dept. web page that they offer “roadkill pickup.” Let’s hope they are fooled into thinking the dead grounhog with pieces missing that is smooshed against the inside of my back fence was hit by a car and flung 100 yards to it’s final resting spot.

As for the dog…well she gets to go on her morning pee via leash tomorrow, and we’ll probably have a trip to the vet to make sure our tummy’s feeling better (and we have no groundhog-bourne diseases.)

I can’t believe I didn’t puke.

2

So, what did it taste like?

Ah…the sound of puke splashing against the computer monitor…it’s like…like…the sounds of a million orphans crying…ahhhhhhhh.

3

Well, you’re luckier than my husband was years ago. His dog killed a big-ass raccoon, par-buried it in a corner in the yard, and then would go out and roll in the rotting corpse every day. He’d have to wash the putrification off the dog each day. Fucking disgusting.

4

Damn, Zip.

Now I’ve go that gradeschool song running through my mind.

5

Just be thankful it wasn’t mutilated monkey meat!

6

Well, that settles the “what should I have for lunch” question – french fried eyeballs it is!

7

And me without a spoon.

8

I found the OP to be completely normal from my experience except for one part.

What the heck?

9

I’ve heard that little birdies’ dirty feet can be used as an eating implement.

You know, in case you forgot your spoon /ducking

I remember once when I was a kid, our miniature schnauzer caught a rabbit (she was quite proficient at this) and brought it home. I saw its disemboweled corpse lying in the back yard and went to tell a grownup. When I came back out, the guts were gone. ::: puke :::

10

She’s had a bit of a weight problem the last couple of years so the vet, and her doggy class trainer, recommended cutting the food down by one cup and feeding her a can of unsalted greenbeans every night.

Fills her up without adding calories, and she loooooves them.
As a follow-up…the city won’t come pick up dead animals on private property. I can’t bury it because the dog will just dig it back up. So I left a voicemail with my friend to see if he’d help me get it into a trashbag and take it over to my folks’ house, where I can dump it over the freeway fence.

I decided not to take the dog to the vet because she seems fine. I’ve been escorting her when she goes outside, and other than sniffing around it a bit, she seems to be over wanting to eat the thing (perhaps because it made her puke.) But I wouldn’t hold it against her if she had the same thought as Kalhoun’s husband’s dog…so I’ve got to get it out of here.

When I was outside with her earlier, a really really big hawk was circling the yard. Would be awesome if it took the corpse but I think the thing might just be too heavy. God help me if the hawk and his buddies decide to mutilate the thing further w/o carrying it off. ech.

11

Great green gobs of greasy grimy gopher guts!
Mutilated monkey meat!
Little dirty birdies’ feet!
Great green gobs of greasy grimy gopher guts!
And I forgot my spoon!

But I have my straw! SLURP!!!

12

Sounds to me like you should drag it out to the street in front of your house, call them and say something like, “It wasn’t totally dead, and it ran into the street.”

Might work.

13

She should probably wear clothes for that though.

What?

14

Bah. Weaklings.

Now, pink and purple porpoise pus - THAT’s gross.

15

A gopher is that guy who gets you your coffee in the morning.

[sub]Ta-daaaaaaaaa![/sub]

A gopher is a small rodent that is chipmunk-shaped, but bigger and uglier. Much, much uglier. Most of them weigh about a pound, so it would take a lot of them to get great green gobs of greasy, grimy gopher guts.