Yes well. It’s this sort of blinked Phillistine pig ignorance I’ve come to expect from you non-creative garbage. You whining hypocritical toadies sit all day on your loathesome spotty behinds, squeezing blackheads, not giving a tinkers cuss for the struggling artist. You excrement! You and your Tony Jaquelyne golf clubs, color television sets and and bleeding secret Masonic handshakes. Why, you wouldn’t let me become a Freemason now, would you? You blackballing bastards! I wouldn’t become a Freemason now if you got down on your lousy stinking knees and begged me…
(John Cleese as the frustrated architect in part of the Monty Python’s “Spanish Inquisition” episode.)
To follow:
The Peter Lorrie tantrum from, “The Maltese Falcon”.
“IT IS MUTINY! DELIBERATE, VINDICTIVE, INSANE AT IT’S BASE! BUT MUTINY IS CHARGED, AND ENCOURAGEMENT TO MUTINY! DR. MCOY, MR. SPOCK, YOU HEARD IT. ON THE BASIS OF THIS EVIDENCE, I CALL FOR AN IMMEDIATE VOTE BY THE POWERS GRANTED TO ME AS CAPTAIN OF THE ENTERPRISE! A RECESS IS DECLARED, TO BE FOLLOWED BY A VOTE!..SILENT! YOU WILL BE SILENT! WHEN I RETURN, WE WILL VOTE ON THE CHARGES! THE EVIDENCE PRESENTED HERE IS THE ONLY BASIS FOR YOUR DECISION!”
–Janice Lester, in Captain Kirk’s body, “The Turnabout Intruder”
“All right, Spock, whatever your game is, I’ll play it. You want credits? You’ll be a rich man! A command of your own? I can swing that, too! What is it that will buy you, Spock, power? I CAN GET THAT FOR YOU!”
–The alternate universe Captain Kirk, “Mirror, Mirror”
“YOU DID IT, YOU FINALLY DID IT! DAMN YOU ALL TO HELL! GOD DAMN YOU!”
–Colonel George Taylor, Planet of the Apes
But my absolute favorite has to be:
“LADIES AND GENTLEMAN OF THE JURY, MY CLIENT, THE HONORABLE, HENRY T. FLEMING, SHOULD GO RIGHT TO FCKING JAIL! THE SON OF BITCH IS GUILTY! THAT MAN THERE, THAT SICK FCKING MAN, RAPED AND BEAT THAT WOMAN! AND HE’D LIKE TO DO IT AGAIN, HE TOLD ME SO!..IT’S A SHOW…IT’S ‘LET’S MAKE A DEAL’! FRANK, YOU WANNA MAKE A DEAL? I GOT A SICK F*CKING JUDGE WHO LIKES TO BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF PEOPLE! WHADDYA WANNA GIVE ME? THREE WEEKS PROBATION?..YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER, THEY’RE OUT OF ORDER, THE WHOLE TRIAL IS OUT OF ORDER!..I HAVE JUST COMPLETED MY OPENING STATEMENT!”
–Arthur Kirkland, And Justice for All
“This is my new mop. George- my friend- he got me this mop. It’s not as good as my old mop, I miss my old mop… but this is still a pretty good mop. Y’know, sometimes, you just have to take what life gives ya… 'cuz life is like a mop! Life gets full of dirt, and crud, and hairballs, and you just gotta stick it in this [bucket] and rinse it out… just rinse it out, real good! But sometimes, sometimes, life sticks to the floor so hard, you gotta get down there with, like… like… a toothbrush, and just scrub, and scrub, and scrub, and scrub. But if that doesn’t work, if that doesn’t work, you can’t give up. You’ve gotta… stand right up… you’ve gotta run to the window and say, 'HEY! THESE FLOORS ARE DIRTY AS HELL, AND I’M NOT GONNA TAKE IT ANYMORE!”
As long as we’re talking about John Cleese, how about his tirade in the “Gourmet Night” episode of Fawlty Towers? Attempting to drive back to Fawlty Towers with what (he thinks is) the guests’ main course, his Mini stalls. He jumps out of it and starts screaming at it, finally ending with…
“I’m going to give you a damn good thrashing!”
Disappearing off screen for a moment, Cleese returns with a tree branch, with which he ineffectually smashes against the car.
…a knave, a rascal, an eater of broken meats; a base, proud, shallow, beggarly, three-suited, hundred-pound, filthy worsted-stocking knave; a lily-livered, action-taking whoreson, glass-gazing, super-serviceable, finical rogue; on-trunk-inheiriting slave; one that wouldst be a bawd in the way of good service, and art nothing but the composition of a knave, beggar, coward, pander, and the son and heir of a mongrol bitch; one whom I wil beat into clamorous whining if thou deni’st the least syllable of thy addition.
Oh, cut the bleeding heart crap, will ya? We’ve all got our switches, lights, and knobs to deal with, Striker. I mean, down here there are literally hundreds and thousands of blinking, beeping, and flashing lights, blinking and beeping and flashing - they’re FLASHING and they’re BEEPING! I can’t stand it anymore! They’re BLINKING and BEEPING and FLASHING!!! WHY DOESN’T SOMEBODY PULL THE PLUG?!
“Life is like a box of chocolates. A cheap, thoughtless, perfunctoral gift that no one ever asks for. Unreturnable because all you get back is another box of chocolates. So, you’re stuck with mostly undefinable whipped mint crap, mindlessly wolfed down when there’s nothing else to eat while you’re watching the game. Sure, once in a while you get a peanut butter cup or an English toffee but it’s gone too fast and the taste is fleeting. In the end, you’re left with nothing but broken bits filled with hardened jelly
and teeth shattering nuts, which if you are desperate enough to eat leaves nothing but an empty box of useless brown paper wrappers.”
You have meddled with the primal forces of nature, Mr. Beale, and I won’t have it, is that clear?!
You think you have merely stopped a business deal - that is not the case! The Arabs have taken billions of dollars out of this country, and now they must put it back. It is ebb and flow, tidal gravity, it is ecological balance. You are an old man who thinks in terms of nations and peoples. There are no nations! There are no peoples! There are no Russians! There are no Arabs! There are no Third Worlds! There is no West! There is only one holistic system of systems, one vast and immane, interwoven, interacting, multi-variate, multi-national dominion of dollars! Petro-dollars, electro-dollars, multi-dollars, reichmarks, rins, rubles, pounds and shekels! It is the international system of currency which determines the totality of life on this planet. That is the natural order of things today. That is the atomic, and subatomic and galactic structure of things today. And you have meddled with the primal forces of nature, and you will atone!
Am I getting through to you, Mr. Beale? You get up on your little twenty-one inch screen and howl about America and democracy. There is no America. There is no democracy. There is only IBM, and ITT, and AT and T, and DuPont, Dow, Union Carbide, and Exxon - those are the nations of the world today. What do you think the Russians talk about in their councils of state - Karl Marx? They get out their linear programming charts, statistical decision theories and mini-max solutions and compute the price-cost probabilities of their transactions and investments just like we do. We no longer live in a world of nations and ideologies, Mr. Beale. The world is a college of corporations, inexorably determined by the immutable by-laws of business. The world is a business, Mr. Beale. It has been since man crawled out of the slime, and our children will live, Mr. Beale, to see that perfect world in which there’s no war or famine, oppression or brutality. One vast and ecumenical holding company, for whom all men will work to serve a common profit, in which all men will hold a share of stock, all necessities provided, all anxieties tranquilized, all boredom amused. And I have chosen you to preach this evangel, Mr. Beale.
GOOD point! Actually, Fawlty Towers has a TON of great tirades–all or nearly all by John Cleese.
I was quoting this by memory—thanks to ChiefWahoo for the correction.
Screechowl: Great Shakespeare quote! Another of my favorites:
“there is a devil haunts thee in the likeness of an
old fat man; a tun of man is thy companion. Why
dost thou converse with that trunk of humours, that
bolting-hutch of beastliness, that swollen parcel
of dropsies, that huge bombard of sack, that stuffed
cloak-bag of guts, that roasted Manningtree ox with
the pudding in his belly, that reverend vice, that
grey iniquity, that father ruffian, that vanity in
years? Wherein is he good, but to taste sack and
drink it? wherein neat and cleanly, but to carve a
capon and eat it? wherein cunning, but in craft?
wherein crafty, but in villany? wherein villanous,
but in all things? wherein worthy, but in nothing?”
–Henry IV, Part I, Act 2, Scene IV
“You don’t know what it’s like. I’m the one out there every day putting his ass on the line. And I’m not out of order! You’re out of order! The whole freakin’ system is out of order! You want the truth? You want the truth? YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH! 'Cause when you reach over and put your hand into a pile of goo, that was your best friend’s face! You’ll know what to do! Forget it, Marge, it’s Chinatown!”
“Ooh, look at me! I’m making people HAPPY! I’m the happy man! From magic land! And I live in a gumdrop house on Lollilpop Lane!..By the way, I was being sarcastic.” (Or something along those lines.)
Homer, in the “Flaming Moe’s” episode
