Greetings. My name is Crandall Spondular

[Hypno-Toad]

@Bayard

Perhaps you sporked someone to death in the ring?

Maybe he robbed a KFC at sporkpoint?

[Mangetout]

The other scammer I had on the back burner didn’t contact me for a couple of days, so I kept on sending him messages asking if everything was OK - he just came back with this:

I have tried a couple of time to reach you on phone, all to no avail. But a lady pick the phone sometimes and ask who do i want to spek with,if the person is arrested or or if he is a staff there. The Lady made me to understand that the office is a police station or something like. the line was not clear.

So let me hear from you soonest.

Owen Phillips

Yes, that’s because the address and contact details I filled out on the form he sent me were those of a police station in Greenwich. I don’t want a long drawn out game with this guy though, so I just sent this:

Hi Owen

That’s really strange, but interestingly, I’ve been getting a few wrong numbers asking for the police this last couple of days - so maybe there’s some sort of mix-up at the local telephone exchange.

Please could you try to contact me on my mobile phone number instead? - it’s in the attached document.

Cheers
Arnold

The document attached to the email is a PDF containing not my mobile phone number, but in fact a full-page photograph of a naked, hairy blokes arse.

[anyrose]

you’ve got to love these guys’ grasp of the English language, though; no?

[Canadiangirl]

Well, I just got this one…it has potential because of “unfinished transactions” - Crandall - perhaps your “unfinished transactions” will qualify?
.where is exactly is Nigrria?

UNION BANK OF NIGRRIA PLC COMPENSATION UNIT, IN AFFILIATION WITH THE
UNITED NATION. Send acopy of your response to official
email:united_nation@interia.pl

ATTN:Sir/Madam,

How are you today? Hope all is well with you and family?,You may not
understand why this mail came to you.
We have been having a meeting for the passed 7 months which ended 2
days ago with the former secretary to the UNITED NATIONS.
This email is to all the people that have been scammed in any part of
the world, the UNITED NATIONS have agreed to compensate them with the
sum of US$ 500,000,00 This includes every foriegn contractors that may
have not received their contract sum, and people that have had an
unfinished transaction or international businesses that failed due to
Government problems etc.

We found your name in our list and that is why we are contacting you,
this have been agreed upon and have been signed.

You are advised to contact Dr.S.K Williams of Union Bank of Nigeria
Plc, as he is our representative in Nigeria, contact him immediately for
your Cheque/ International Bank Draft of USD$ 500,000,00 This funds are
in a Bank Draft for security purpose ok? so he will send it to you and
you can clear it in any bank of your choice.
Therefore, you should send him your full Name and telephone number/your
correct mailing address where you want him to send the Draft to you.

Conatct Dr.S.K Williams immediately for your Cheque:
Person to Contact Dr.S.K Williams
Email:drskwilliams@iwon.com

Thanks and God bless you and your family.Hoping to hear from you as
soon as you cash your Bank Draft.
Making the world a better place

Regards,
Mr. Kofi Anan
Former Secretary (UNITED NATIONS).

[Hypno-Toad]

Nemga Tout, have you thought about telling him that you can only do the transfer in some exotic (ie, fictional) form of currency? See if he can find the exchange rate for Bliks, Arrakeen guilders, or Acme Samollians.

[Mangetout]

Well, not surprisingly, no response from Owen about my prize money and BMW car, but I have two emails from Sandra; here’s the first:

Dear brother in the lord ,
Thanks for your mail . I read your last mail ofcourse and was waiting to scan the picture so that I will send it to you hence attached herein is my picture with my late husband.
I am happy with your concerns as regards to living a christian life and I have the believe that this project does not fall into your hand for nothing hence it is going to prepare you and your mind.
Becoming a good christian is a gradul process and a thing of the mind .It only needs you to set your mind and ask for the lords intervention . I have read your mails very well and verily I say unto you , you shall be a strong instrument and blessing to many people soonest .
Concerning the legal documents and the fee requested by the appointed lawyer from the bank , I have related with the bank just now concerning what you stated and was meant to understand that it is not possible for now until the said legal papers are obtained .The made me to understand that since I am not the original depositor of the fund but my late husband, that those documents are very necessary before any deduction from the principal fund. They told me that once these documents are through , subsequent expenses would have to be deducted from the money .They told me that you have sent them all that they requested from you and that they would be processing and programming the transaction by next week depending on the readiness of the legal aspect of it.
And it is very unfortunate that I do not have more money with me since all my savings has gone to charity and I have not being doing anythng for the past three to four years now.My late husband brothers which I should have asked for money to this regard do not know about this fund and the vow since it is against the wish of my late husband otherwise…they are the ones taking care of me and our estates .
Please, do your very best and see that all that needs to be done is done immediately for us to proceed in earnest .I am really happy with the efforts so far and kindly relate back both to the lawyer and the bank and see that this project sees the light of the day sonest.
Thank you and remain blessed while I wait to read from you again today by the special grace of the lord .
Yours in the lord ,
Sister Sandra.

Wow. It’s really quite squirmy and weaselly, don’t you think? -Both on the spiritual advice front and the financial/legal one. I think we might have to pick at that sore spot a little more…

Anyway, the second one just says:

Xmas greetings and happy new year in advance.

But it has a picture attached!

And here it is.

I haven’t responded yet…

[Mangetout]

Treat 'em mean, keep 'em keen. I still haven’t responded to the two emails above, but I got another one today:

Dear brother in the lord ,
I did not read from you today and I hope and pray that all is well with you .
Did you recieve the picture I sent to you ? Please , write me as soon as you read this mail so that we shall know the way forward.
Thank you and remain blessed while I wait for your reply today by the special grace of the lord .
Yours Sister Sandra.

[Mangetout]

I’ve decided to stall things a bit by feigning injury

dearest sandra.

im so sorr5y i didnt respond to your emails yesterday i slip[ed on a banana skin and fell breaking b oth of my wrisdts anfd i had to ggo to hosp[ital

its difficultttt to type thgis email because ofd the p[lasterr c asts on both han dfds but i wwoudl l;ke to thankyou very muc h for your emai;ls andf photo

i ca nt write otr hold a pen at al;l so it is impossib ble to sen d a monney transfer becasue it req uires a signatur4e but i hav e about a thousdsand us dolllars in cash that i coul;sd oput in aenvelope and send to the attorney byt fedex or something i ca n print the addrress l;abel;

i wil;l;ll email him now andsd sen d the cash on mpomnday

kinsdest rehgards
crandall;

This might also allow me to introduce another character - my assistant (which of course will also actually be me)

[Lust4Life]

Love it !
spin it out as long as you can.
Mess them about as much as you can.

[Mangetout]

I wonder how sustainable the whole 419 business would be for the scammers if everybody did this with every scam email they received…

[Maastricht]

@Mangetout

I wonder how sustainable the whole 419 business would be for the scammers if everybody did this with every scam email they received…

Hmn…what else would all those unemployed Nigerian youths do in those internet cafe’s? Follow written courses in useful honest trades and professions?

[Mangetout]

I sent the promised email to Henri Osther:

dear mr olster

ik rebgret nthat i hav4 inju7red both of myh hands and cannot writte the necesssary sdignature fora money transfer

can i send you cash in us dol;l;ars pl;ease

regards
crandal;l

He came back with:

To Mr. Crandall Spondular

Sir ,
I did not understand you very well hence go ahead and send it in dollar since they will give it to us here in our local currency. Just send it via western union and then send me the information so that I will go for the paper works immediately.
Accept my sympathy for your injured hands if I understand you properly.
Yours in service ,
Henri Tella Osther Esq
Tel :[snipped]
email: [snipped]

But that’s no good to Crandall - he wants to send hard cash!

dear h3enri

sdorry about thedifficultty in typ[ing both my handss are in plaster casts

i cant fill outthe form at wedstern union bec ause it requiresd a signa6ture

can i send the cash in an envelope by fedex straight to you thisd would be easier bercause i can p[rint the addrerss label on myh computer

but now, rather astonishingly, he says we can’t do that, because:

Kind attention to Mr.Crandall Spondular

I do not yet understand your intentions .Fedex are not allowed to carry Money and so what you are suggesting is illegal and I cannot agree to that . You can ask somebody to assist you in filling the western union form.
Once again ,my concerns to your plastered hands and I pray that you recover soonest by the grace of god .
Yours in service ,
Henri Tella Esq.

Because it’s illegal? Are you kidding me?

I’ve a good mind to break cover right now, just so I can tell him I’m laughing out loud at his mock ethics.

But before that, let’s see if his conscience can be bought…

dear henri

fedexc wont need to knoiw thsat the package con tains cash ican jusdt declare it asa book or something

i real;isse there will pro bab.ly be fees to convret cash in us dol;lars to your loc al currency
it it would it help i can send 1500 usd cash so to c over any extrqa 3expemnses you may imncur

[Mangetout]

This will probably blow the deal, but Crandall has capitulated and sent the money via Western Union. Using a new kind of money transfer called a Secure High Importance Transfer (S.H.I.T.):

dear henri

my publoicity agent call;ed in to see m e today so i asked nhim to tyake me to western uin ion to send the p\a\yment he wasm allowed to sign on my behalf

i attazch a sca
ned c opy of the transfer coun terfoil it was don e by something new c alled a high importan ce transaction they said thnis was the nbest way

sorry again for the awful mspel;ling the plkaster casts are still on my fin gers

This is the scanned counterfoil.

[anyrose]

If, for some bizarre, alternate universe, reason, you actually receive the aformentioned fortune from Miss Sandra, what, pray tell, would you do with it?

[Mangetout]

Take up semi-professional wrestling under the name “the Spork”. The two things are approximately equally likely.

[freckafree]

Crandall,

I have some bad news, dude. I think Sandra is pulling your leg. Her last name is really Watson, apparently. And now there’s only $18 million! What happened to the other $15 mil? Very fishy, if you ask me.

GREETINGS AND COMPLIMENTS.

From: Mrs. Sandra Watson
Email: watsandra1@aim.com

ENDEAVOUR TO USE IT FOR THE CHILDREN OF GOD.

I am the above named person from Kuwait. I am married to Dr Christopher Watson who worked with Kuwait embassy in Ivory Coast for nine years before he died in the year 2005
.We were married for eleven years without a child. He died after a brief illness that lasted for only four days. Before his death we were both born again Christians.
Since his death I decided not to re-marry or get a child outside my matrimonial home which the Bible is against. When my late husband was alive he deposited the sum of 18Million Dollars (eighteen Million United State Dollars) with the BANK in Europe

Presently, this money is still with the BANK. Recently, my Doctor told me that I would not last for the next three months due to cancer problem.
Though what disturbs me most is my stroke sickness. Having known my condition I decided to donate this Fund to church or better still a Christian individual that will utilize this money the way I am going to instruct here in. I want a church that will use these funds to fund churches, orphanages and widows propagating the word of God and to ensure that the house of God is maintained.
The Bible made us to understand that blessed is the hand that giveth.

I took this decision because I don’t have any child that will inherit this money and my husband relatives are not Christians and I don’t want my husband’s hard earned money to be misused by unbelievers.
I don’t want a situation where this money will be used in an ungodly manner.

Hence the reason for taking this bold decision. I am not afraid of death hence I know where I am going. I know that I am going to be in the bosom of the Lord. Exodus 14 VS 14 says that the lord will fight my case and I shall hold my peace.
I don’t need any telephone communication in this regard because of my health and because of the presence of my husband’s relatives around me always. I don’t want them to know about this development.

With God all things are possible. As soon as I receive your reply I shall give you the contact of the BANK in Europe I will also issue you a letter of authority that will prove you as the original- beneficiary of this Fund. I want you and the church to always pray for me because the lord is my shepherd.
My happiness is that I lived a life of a worthy Christian. Whoever that wants to serve the Lord must serve him in spirit and truth. Please always be prayerful all through your life. Any delay in your reply will give me room in sourcing for a church or Christian individual for this same purpose.
Please assure me that you will act accordingly as I stated herein.

Hoping to hearing from you.

I have set aside 20% for you and for your time and 10% for any expenses if there is any . Remain blessed in the name of the Lord.
Yours in Christ,

Mrs. Mrs. Sandra Watson
Note: reply Email: watsandra1@aim.com

[Mangetout]

I wonder if I’m going to hear anything further. I just spotted that I got the date wrong on my fake WU transfer slip.

[Hentor_the_Barbarian]

Mangetout, I just wanted to thank you very much. I never saw your prior threads describing your past efforts - I’ve been in tears from laughing so hard all day. I’ve shared them with co-workers and family members, and we are all in awe.

Very well done, sir.

[Mangetout]

Thanks.

Just to bring this one to a close - I’ve had no emails from any of this group of scam addresses for several days now - despite sending a few innocent-sounding requests their way - so I think they must have realised I’m messing about. Oh well… I’ll pick another one to bait next week.

[Sunspace]

If only there was a way to hack the network somehow so that one spammer’s email would be routed directly to another spammer and vice versa…