Mahatma Gandhi walked barefoot his whole life, which created an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him frail, and with his odd diet, he suffered from very bad breath.
So this made him…
a super-callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
News Reporter: Today, Eddy “Nine Fingers” Maloy was arrested after having killed a man in a rice paddy using two porcelain figuriens.
This being the first case of an actual knick-knack paddy whack.
A dog limped into a saloon and said, “I’m looking for the man who shot my paw.”
What do you call a man with a spade on his head?
Doug
What do you call an Indian kareoke fan.
Gerrupta Sing
Stop. Y’all are killing me.
(I have A Date tonight. I have an uneasy feeling that I’m going to break a silence with one or more of these jokes. :eek: )
A termite walks in to a bar and asks, “Where is the bar tender?”
Hell of a first post, SnarkySailor! Welcome – you’re clearly our kind of people.
There was a chatroom recently which posed a trivia question about historical politics. Many answered Algernon someone-or-other (the correct answer): the rest of the guesses were Disraeli. To which I quipped:
The most senior Rabbi in Great Britain is being knighted for his considerable services to the Kingdom in advancing the course of Hebrew scholarship. Now, whenever a person is knighted, he or she has to kneel and recite a passage in Latin swearing fealty to the Queen. The rabbi carefully memorizes it. But unfortunately, as the day comes he gets more and more nervous about having to recite this passage. Finally, the grand knighthood ceremony arrives. Several knights before him kneel down and recite the Latin passage. He gets up, absolutely quivering with stage fright, gingerly kneels down – and his mind is blank. He can’t for the life of him remember a single word of the Latin passage! Desperately, he seizes on the first foreign language text he can think of – he recites a passage from the Torah in Hebrew. Puzzled at this, the Queen turns to one of her advisors and asks,
“Why is this knight different from all other knights?”
Art was a loser, and a loser all of hid life. Yet, he still wanted to make something of himself. He thought long and hard, and decided he wanted to be a made man in the mafia. Not really knowing how things work in the Cosa Nostra, he approached two mobsters who just rolled their eyes. But he persisted, and they finally gave him a job, just to get rid of him. They gave him the name of a man they wanted killed, and told him they’d pay him a dollar to do it.
Art stalked the man for several days, but every chance he had, he lost his nerve. He realized that he was going to lose his (imagined) status with the Mafia if he didn’t complete this assignment. So he followed the man into a supermarket, and finally cornered him in an aisle. Having forgotten his gun, Art wrestled with the man, and got him in a headlock. Eventually the man stopped struggling, and died. The ruckus attracted the attention of another man, and instead of running out of the store Art wrestled with him, and killed him as well in a headlock. By now, the store employees heard the disturbance, and ran into the aisle to see Art standing there with two dead men at his feet. He was promptly arrested and hauled off to jail.
The next day the newspare carried the story with the headline:
Artie chokes two for a dollar at Kroger (or at your local food market).
Vlad/Igor
Hey, that’s genuinely funny!
Three young men are ordained as priests, Father Flaherty, Father D’Orsini, and Father Secola.
Time passes, and Father Flaherty and Father D’Orsini become Monsignors, but Father Secola does not.
More time goes by, and Flaherty and D’Orsini become archbishops. But Father Secola is still a lowly priest.
Eventually, Flaherty and D’Orsini are named cardinals, and they go off to Rome.
Frustrated, Father Secola goes to his superior and asks him, “I have been a faithful servant to God. Why have I remained a priest, while my friends are now cardinals?”
His superior smiles kindly. "Father, you know once you get to Rome, anything can happen. And we didn’t want the entire Catholic world to have to refer to you as…Pope Secola!"
The horse replies:
Because I am trapped on this meaningless speck of pseudoexistence we call earth, and my life is swirling out of control into the bleak, black death that surrounds all of us.
The bartender then says:
Shit! A talking horse!
What do you call a man with no arms or legs, in the water?
Bob
What do you call a man with no arms or legs, in the water, who can swim?
Clever Dick
As we all know, people in Mexico LOVE their mayonnaise! Nothing goes with a cold Corona better than a good old mayonnaise taco! But in the early part of the 20th century, there were no mayonnaise factories in Mexico and they had to import it from Europe. Now, most people don’t realize this, but when the Titanic sailed from Europe, it was carrying a huge cargo of mayonnaise that was bound for Mexico, which was suffering a severe shortage of the stuff at the time. When the Titanic sank, taking all of that mayonnaise down with it, people in Mexico were really sad. The Mexican people, ever since then, have observed an annual day of mourning to commemorate the incident. And that’s the story behind Cinco de Mayo.
What did all the men in Espanola move to Grants?
There’s no work there.
Pre-empting JillGat 's smack smiley and correction of ‘What’ to ‘Why’.
What’d the fish say when he swam into a cement wall?
Dam!
Don’t know why, but that always makes me laugh.
Just how old are you then??? :eek:
Anyway, have you seen on the news about that ship with a cargo of Yo-Yos that hit a reef?, it sunk 57 times!
What do you call:
A man with no arms and no legs being pulled behind a speedboat?
Skip
A woman with one leg shorter than the other?
Ilene
A Japanese woman with one leg shorter than the other?
IRene
…thank you! I’ll be here all week!