An old chestnut in honor of the holiday:
A pirate walks into a bar and orders a grog. When the bartender serves the drink, he notices what looks like a tiny ship’s wheel poking up out of the pirate’s trousers. The bartender says, “Say, do you know there’s a ship’s wheel in your pants?” The pirate replies:
“Aye, it’s drivin’ me nuts!”
What do you call a pig with three eyes?
Piiig!
What do you call a sheep with no legs?
A cloud.
I know it’s a whoosh, but I can’t help myself. Babies usually aren’t born with teeth. The teeth come a little later.
I am wearing inherited athletic shoes, though, if that is of interest. And I once intered multiple puns into a pun contest. I thought that if I sent in ten, at least one of them would win, but no pun in ten did.
I’ve posted this before, but it bears repeating.
My brother’s coworker: [Lame joke]… no pun intended!
My brother: None taken.
But that would make him older than his teeth.
More book titles:
Stain on the Great Wall by Hu Flung Pu
History of the Alphabet, Part II: The Middle Ages by Jay K. Elliman O’Pea
Traditional Parenting by Waylon Hines
I blew the line. :shrug:
How hi is a chinaman.
How many people with ADHD does it take to change a lightbulb?
One to change the bulb… hey, let’s go out for pizza!
Did you hear about the near-sighted quail?It went off on a lark
Why did the frog cross the road?
It was stapled to the chicken.
…and where do they work, as waitresses?
[spoiler]IHOP
(for non-US dopers: International House of Pancakes, a chain restaurant)[/spoiler]
One day Roy Rogers bought a brand-new pair of cowboy boots. Really expensive ones; they cost $800. He decided to wear them while riding Trigger. Well, the boots got caked with mud. Roy decided he’d leave the boots outside overnight so the mud would dry, and he could just knock the dried mud off in the morning.
Well, during the night a mountain lion came down and, smelling the new leather, started chewing on the boots. Really mauled them. The next morning, Roy was vey upset. He decided he would track down the mountain lion and shoot it. He tracked and tracked, and finally found the culprit. He pulled out his six-gun and killed the animal. He put the mountain lion behind his saddle and headed home with his trophy.
Seeing Roy ride up, Dale Evans called out to him…
[spoiler]“Pardon me Roy, is that the cat that chewed the new shoes?”
(I hope there are some Glen Miller fans in here…) [/spoiler]
Johnny L.A. – it’s not enough to be a member of your fan club – may I be president?
:d
Sorry. I meant 
Our own dear Eve improved this joke in a thread full of Celine Dion jokes.
Celine Dion walks into a bar. The bartender says:
Why the long face?
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
Ok, nun joke time!
What’s blackandwhiteandblackandwhiteandblackandwhiteandblackandwhite?
A nun falling down the stairs
What’s blackandwhiteandblackandblue all over?
Same nun the day after she fell down the stairs
And now… my favorite all time really bad joke:
What’s blackandwhiteandgreenandwhiteandblack and smells terrible?
Two skunks fighting over a pickle
Ladies and gentlemen, how to fit an elephant in a refrigerator.
This is especially funny for math geeks and computer techs.
Oh, what the heck. Here’s a few more:
How can you tell if an elephant’s been in your refrigerator?
Footprints in the peanut butter.
How can you tell if two elephants are in your refrigerator?
Two sets of footprints, side by side.
How many giraffes will fit in the refrigerator?
None. There are too many elephants in there.
How do you get an elephant into a Volkswagen?
Open door, insert elephant, shut door.
How do you get four elephants into a Volkswagen?
Two in the front, two in the back.
How can you tell if an elephant is visiting your house?
There’s a Volkswagen in your driveway with 3 elephants in it.
:dubious: My apologies for all the above.
A nurse walks up to a doctor and asks him to sign a form. The doictor reaches behind his ear and pulls out a thermometer. Puzzled for a moment, the doctor suddenly realizes…
“Some asshole has my pen!”