I talk about it in general terms and never specifically referring to someone. However, I never talk about the current S.O. to friends.
I learned my lesson at age 30… i had a particular friend, whom I will also call “Redhead” and we shared nuptuals and nothing else over a period of years… we were mainly friends, but shared no friends, and I told a few of my friends about our more wild “encounters” (which often bordered on Sniperfang’s Rule #3)… well, in planning my 30th surprise party, my sister (who knew I was friends with Redhead) invited her… when I arrived, or shortly thereafter, Redhead asked me to join her outside, and once there gave me a good slap in the face and said “what the fuck did you tell them?”… it seems that more than a few of my (ass-hat?) friends said “oh, you’re Redhead” to her…
lesson learned, and I still feel bad about it to this day… interestingly, we are both married with kids, attended each other’s weddings, and we get together with our spouses often (sans nuptuals).
Sniperfang nailed it. Well done.
as did irishgirl.
As a rule, guys are too paranoid to discuss their sex lives - the likelihood that a “40 Year Old Virgin” situation will occur - where a guy mentions something and is harrassed by his friends (“what - NOBODY does x that way!! You really did that?! HA HA HA…” etc.) means that he is likely to keep to himself.
Add to that the fact that the more discreet you are, the more likely you’ll get more is also true. Since women do talk (see irishgirl) they will know if you have been talking - if you have been discreet, they are more likely to hook up with you…
My $.02
Confusing post. “Nuptials” refers to a wedding ceremony. I suspect from context that what you mean when you say ‘nuptuals’ is ‘sexual relations’. If not, please clarify. Otherwise, nice post.
Regarding who shares blame in this little moral tale, obviously you have the lions share, for bragging to your friends, and your friends share the blame, for being tactless, but does ‘Redhead’ have an expectation for privacy?
Is there, implied or otherwise, an expectation for discretion regarding sexual relations, in today’s society?
I don’t discuss details with anyone. In fact, I think I’ve only told maybe two people that I’ve actually had sex.
That said, I have a few friends that don’t quite understand the boundaries men are supposed to have when it comes to sex life questions. I know dates, times, positions, frequency and lots of other stuff. I could recreate the scene if I wanted to for one of my old friends. I don’t want this information in my head!
Of course women are even worse. There is something incredibly creepy about knowing the intimate details of the sex lives of your 16 year old female co-workers.
I was 22. The three of them have since quit and the current gaggle of 16 year olds are much more normal. Or at the very least they keep quiet about it.
I’m also on the don’t tell anything side of this. I have a group of close freinds who I’ve known for almost all my life but we still don’t share that type of information.
Sniperfang’s rules are pretty good though. I could subscribe to those, but I’d probably not brag about events covered under rule number 3. So if Liv Tyler, Heidi Klum or the Brazilian volleyball teams happen to read this they can contact me. I wont tell anyone. 
My husband tells me that he never, ever talks about it and I believe him.
He does have a (guy) friend, though, who has a habit of playing homemade porn videos of him and his girlfriend while my husband is over. Husband has repeatedly expressed his disgust and discomfort with this to both the boyfriend and the girlfriend, neither of whom seem to mind.
So he doesn’t go over very often any more.
Danalan, yes, I meant “relations” and not “marital pleasures” (and am sure it was not a Freudian slip!)
Althouth it was never spoke, I believe that there was an expectation that when one day meeting my friends they would not know of said relations. However, I cannot speak for discretion in todays society, as my “married with kids” status makes me feel far-removed from “the game” …
In my case, everyone was tactless, and I had to recognize that I was the main source of blame and be sure never to disclose such details… it is important to note that these were GOOD stories at the time!
Very well put, Danalan.
Yes, I think there is, at least in the ‘nicer’ sections of the food chain. With any of the women Ive been with, if I’d been indiscreet about us being horizontaly superimposed, I’d be celibate faster than you can say “You loud-mouthed bastard!”
This applies to both girlfriends and one-nighters.
Even today, my girlfriend of 14 months, who is very well known to my friends, and I are pretty discreet about our sex life. The most prolix we’ve ever gotten about it, was when we casually informed our friends that we were ditching them for coffee after the movie because we were heading home to have sex.
You should have seen the looks on their faces.
The last ex (not wonderfool, but the most awfool person in the world that I was dating early in our separation) would tell anyone who’d listen. People in line at an amusement park, waitstaff, the lady at the DMV. And although I’m not the least bit shy about such things and have no problem basking in any complimentary glow (which, in his case was LOTS – all of this should have told me something, I think), his constant crowing to strangers and those close to us (like his almost 70 year old Dad!) was beyond embarrassing. If there’s another one someday, I pray for a little restraint.
Oh, and I’m a female who has no problem sharing details with my bestest friend. These days those it would be impossible since that is the aforementioned wonderfool.
I do talk about sex stuff with friends, since I’m not particularly shy about it and neither are most of my friends, but always in a very non-specific way, i.e.: “One of my exs. . .” or “There was this one girl who. . .” I will never provide details that will let someone know who I’m talking about and if a guess is ventured as to identity, I will neither confirm nor deny. In general I don’t talk about someone I’m currently involved with, but if I do I conceal her identity the same way.
I’ve never been in a situation where I could have compared notes with another guy about the same girl, but I would not provide any information if I were. Not only is that kind of crass, but I’m not going to do his damn homework for him. When I leave a relationship, I like to be the guy against whom she’s going to compare any future men for a long, long time. If he’s having sex with someone I used to be with, he’s not going to get any pointers from me.
Current relationships get nothing about my past sexual encounters. I don’t really need to know who taught her good oral technique any more than she needs to know about how I learned mine. Talking about exs is a very good way to have a fight or possibly even create enough negative feelings to permanently damage the relationship. Not going to happen.
I have never discussed details with any of my guy friends, ever, and none of them has ever discussed details with me, ever.
In fact, the few details I do know are because mutual female friends ferreted them out of my friends’ girlfriends. They were details I did not want and did not need to know.
A few weeks ago I had the dubious pleasure of being trapped in an apartment with four other girls for a night of drinking. Oh my god, if I had any idea of the wretchedly salacious tales I was to be exposed to that evening, I would spent it on the sidewalk with a 40oz malt liquor bottle as my only company.
Back in school all me and my friends did was talk about how much pussy we were getting, with who, when, where, how long it lasted, whether she swallowed, if we had to talk her into it or not, if we video taped it, if we stayed over at her bed overnight and snuck out, if we’d hit it again, or did someone else want to take a shot – all that. Locker room talk that we’ve never grown out of.
Now, SOME guys talked much more shit than others. SOME guys held back details. But there was nothing coy about my crew.
Since pretty much all my college friends got married, THEY have clammed up on the details. I intuit, but I do not pry.
But I am still the single guy in my crew. So, yeah, fat as I am now, as dry a spell I’ve been in lately – I am still expected to dish, and I do, and I still talk muuuuuuuch shit.
I’ve never given much information about that to anybody. My best friend is female and I’ve talked about it a little with her, but nothing too detailed. She got pretty detailed with me, though!
Which bit of it are you most intu?
I used to feel that this sort of conversation was innapropriate, but TV (and female friends) tells me that women talk about this sort of thing all the time, so why not? I’ve got a group of friends that get together weekly, and we talk about all sorts of stuff. Granted, I censor sometimes, and who knows what anyone else keeps back, but I think we’re pretty open and straightforward about anything that’s going on in our lives. We also all trust each other to not screw things up if any… ‘subject of conversation’ ever shows up.
Basically, the answer is yes, but not to just anyone.
When I was a very young man it was not uncommon for me to share details. As I grew up I stopped that.
As a more mature man, I would not give details about a woman I was dating. I *might *give some details about a one night stand if no one there knew the woman and if the story was interesting. (For instance, the woman I picked up 3 years ago and who, after the event, confessed that she was married - but that her husband didn’t mind, as long as he could watch. I was out of there like a bullet from a gun.)
A lot of guys do that in the downtown area of the city where I live. I had no idea they were hiding out from salacious girl talk. I’ll have to be more sypathetic to them in the future.
I haven’t actually had a sex life to discuss, but I’d be pretty discreet if I did. I’d talk about it with someone I trusted and felt comfortable with if the situation merited it, but mostly I’d keep mum about current and past relationships.
I mostly haven’t heard explicit details from friends, male or female, but sometimes, with some (mostly close) friends, I do hear some general details. I think I get this with women more than men (I’m a man). The understanding always seems to be “keep this to yourself”. I’m cool with that.
I actually think it’s good to talk with other people about your sex life. As someone who hasn’t had a sex life, I find it demystifies the process for me and makes it seem more normal. Hearing about relationship stuff is good for me too because it gives me a better idea of what to expect. Of course one ought to be discreet and considerate of others feelings, but where it is appropriate I think it’s a positive thing to discuss your sex life with others.
I want to emphasize that I don’t advocate telling any old person and I don’t advocate being extremely explicit.
I have never discussed my sexual relations with any of my girlfriends, ever.
I am somewhat :eek: at the ones here who say that all women do this. No-not all women do this (and thank God).
I have been most open here on the Dope.
Why is it anyone’s business but those involved?
I did once go to a cocktail party where the hostess bragged about her husband’s size and prowess to “us girls” chatting in the kitchen. There were people there she had just met (myself being one of them)–and all I could think was, “how insecure are you? Or are you messing with us, hoping we’ll reveal something salacious to you?”
Total turn off and rather nasty.
I cannot for the life of me figure out a scenario where I am sitting over drinks or coffee with 3 good girlfriends and we broach this subject. Maybe if there is a problem or something funny happened during the act but to just swap details? Maybe (and it’s a big maybe) one of them would mention that she was looking online for a new vibrator or really likes that Talk Sex Show with Susan Johannsen, but that’s it. Or they’ll say, “we had fun in Aruba and never saw the sun” or some such allusion–nothing more.
What’s the point of that kind of sharing? It’s tacky–plus the receiver is left with this squiky info next time s/he meets the partner at the grocery store or wherever…