Guys, Does this make me a control freak ?

My husband and I have had the same argument for years, it concerns household work.

He works a lot of hours, and his only day off is Sunday, so anything we want to do as a family has to be done on that day. His household chores need to be done on that day also, but it dosen’t seem like 24 hours is enough.

I ask him to let me know ahead of time, if he has a big project he would like to do, so if I have any other plans, we could change something if we need to. He says he feel like he has to ask permission, like a child. I think it’s just a matter of consideration. I also ask that if he’s going to work on a project to let me know if he’s going to start another one right away, so if I need to have him help me out with something he can do it. Again, he feels I’m trying to control him.

I feel like I never get time to do anything I’d like to do because he is always working on things if I don’t ask him to stop. He says he is the only man he knows that has to “ask permission” to do anything. I don’t think it’s asking permission, I think it’s just the way things go when you have a family.

So, guys what do you think ? Am I control freak or am I asking normal things ?

I’m asking the guys, because all of my girlfriends think he is in the wrong and I would like to know what other men think. Although it’s OK if the women have an opinion to share.

I’m not quite sure what opinion to give here but it seems like your husband’s time outside of work is very limited, and he may have the feeling that if he tells you this stuff in advance you will automatically ask him to change it or reschedule it. I know that having to juggle school and work gets very hectic, and what sporadic time to myself I have I don’t like it getting rearranged.

You’re not a control freak, he’s not being unresonable. You’re both just victims of a world where he has to spend so much time away from home.

Before you make plans, do you tell him what you’re thinking about doing? If you know you’re going to need him for something, do you let him know ahead of time? He might not be so resistant to telling you his plans if you discuss your plans with him first.

No easy answers.

After working long hours all week and answering to people, perhaps he just wants a little autonomy to make his own decisions about what he wants to do. What you’re saying my sound to him like he needs to get permission, maybe there’s another way you can express what you mean and perhaps there’s another way that he can hear it.

Have you ever heard of the Keirsey Bates temperament sorter? You answer a series of question that show your 4 different personality traits. Extrovert versus introvert (E or I), sensate versus intution (S or N), thinking versus feeling (T or F), and judgment versus perception (J or P). This is not astrology, this is psychology, and it really works.

Opposites tend to attract each other, and what you have here is a classic stand off between a judgment and perception difference. You are a judgment type, which really means you like to have things planned out. You like to make lists to keep track of things, you can’t relax unless things are settled. A perception person feels tied down by plans, and prefers to do things spontaneously.

I have the exact same problem with my husband. I am a J, he is a P. I suggest you buy the book and it will really help you learn to communicate with each other better - no Men are from Mars, women are from Venus generalities. :slight_smile:

The way I approach this with my husband is to tell him what I need to do, and how he needs to help me. Then I ask him when that would work for him. This way, he doesn’t have to ask me if he can do things, but he is aware of when I want him to watch my son or be available to help me with something, etc. He still feels like he has free time because when it occurs is his choice (I give parameters, too, though - like I have to do this by this date), he is welcome to do whatever he wants with the rest of his free time, and he doesn’t feel like I am “mothering” him by making him tell me all of his plans in advance.

Yes, it is hard to have to ask for things, to be assertive, but you get used to it. People don’t read minds and most men are terrible at picking up hints. It won’t come across as demanding when done correctly. If he takes it that way, at least you won’t be agruing anymore than you are now. :slight_smile: