a) Guys esp., is it a shock to learn an old flame got married and/or had a baby?
b) I found out my old girlfriend, my first girlfreind, always in and out of my life driving me nuts girlfriend, professional white collar girlfriend, no father figure in her life girlfriend, who swore to do things right girlfriend…had a baby with no father in the picture. In her case, and I know this sounds odd, but trust me…it is SHE who wouldn’t marry the guy, and for once NOT the guy’s fault.
I am so upset, disappointed, distraught, and yet I shouldn’t care, and I shouldn’t be surprised as I could see this all coming ages ago…despite her insistence she’s smarter than that…and it all still bothers me…wishing I could change what I could not, or tell her little girl something one day to break this terrible cycle…but I’m just doing what I do best…beating myself up over something that is not my problem and nothing I can control…still… sigh!
Yes, I have my own sweet little (functional and giving) family on my own, but still I can’t hide from things like this that have always and continue to tear my heart out…sigh
Whether you fit into “a” or “b” above…do you know how I feel? How do you cope?
Thanks for listening to me sing the bluest of blues…sigh again…
Your happy thoughts, shared experiences, and/or wisdom appreciated…
I’ve been trying to cope with this on my own for a month now…
I was surprised because we usually talked about stuff (important stuff, unimportant, whatever), and I found out from someone other than her. She had no obligation to tell me, of course, but I thought she might have. I wasn’t annoyed so much as I had thought she might have told me before it happened. “Hey I’m getting married” or summat.
Iampunha, perhaps we are the only two SDopers who have been fortunate (and unfortunate) to find out such info? It sure was awkward for me. We talked about all kinds of things, once as well…including her voluntarily bringing up she was not going to make the same mistake as her Mom. No, she had to go and do one worse! :eek: She’s so dag-gone hard-headed…but she is not my problem any more. Amen! - Jinx
Similar situation happened to me. My ex-girlfriend from three years ago has moved/is planning to move in with her boyfriend sometime this summer. She’s 18, and just graduated from highschool.
It was a shock to me, because she always wanted to go to college, and always seemed to be very independent. shrug
I’m pretty sure they’ll get married eventually, and I cringe every time I turn the page of the newspaper to the marriage announcements, because I know one of these days she’ll be there.
First, how old is she?
Next, do you know the father of the baby?
Third, is she financially able to care for the baby?
She may know something about this guy that you don’t. He may have said or done something that made it impossible to include him in their lives.
Also, I think you put more importance on the two-parent household than you should. Sure, it’s better…IF the relationship is good, IF both parties want kids, IF there’s enough money. But “better” doesn’t mean the opposite choice is “bad.”
When I was 22 I split up with a girl i’d been seeing for 5 years.
One of the reasons that we split was because she was desperate to have a baby - I felt we were too young.
I found out a few laters that within a year of us splitting up she had a baby with a guy she meet on holiday 1 month after we split.
I found it frightening that someone could want a baby so much they’d allow themselves to get knocked up by any random guy.
Strangely enough their holiday romance never lasted beyond a year but she got what she wanted so I guess she’s happy.
It’s been 25 years since I last saw my first flame. I lost touch with her, oh, more than 20 of those years ago.
I still think about her now and then. Wonder how she’s getting on, whether she ever married, if she has kids, etc. Haven’t really searched for her, but kinda kept my eyes open, if you know what I mean.
After all this time, I surely wouldn’t be surprised/shocked/hurt/etc. to find out she was married or a mother. Hey, I’ve been married for 18 years and I have a daughter in high school now. I wouldn’t give up my wife or daughter for anything, yet I still get wistful every now and then, wondering “what if…” Jinx, I don’t know how old you are or how long it’s been since the two of you were together, but as time goes on your perspective will change, and the feelings you experience will gradually change from “heart-wrenching” to “bittersweet.” Time changes things, y’know?
I was visiting my hometown a year or so ago and was buying party supplies at a grocery store. I came around a corner and saw a woman holding a small child. I was looking at her from behind, and thought to myself “hm, hey kid, your mom’s kinda hot”, then she turned around.
It was a girl that I’d dated most of junior and senior years of high scool, the closest thing I have to a high school sweetheart. We broke up when we went to separate colleges and mutually decided to end it. We’d been on good terms afterwards, but lost contact several years earlier.
When I saw her my brain cracked. It didn’t hurt so much as completely confuse me for quite a while. I actually walked down a different aisle and sorted out my fractured brain before I could find her and talk to her.
She was living in the burbs and had been married several years, which I didn’t know. She seemed to have a very nice life. We’ve emailed a couple of times since then, but there’s very little connection there.
After recovering from the initial shock, I would put the feeling in the “bittersweet” category. Though I tried, I really couldn’t picture myself as the father or anything dramatic like that. I was happy that she seemed happy, but had no more interest in screaming squaling things that take up all free time and money than I did before.
a) Old enough.
b) No, true I don’t
c) Yes, fortunately, she is.
d) (No, you didn’t ask, but…) I believe, knowing her as well as I do, and now at this age, she’s a lot like what Arch Trout described above in this thread.
Maybe so, but you don’t know her like I do.
In reverse, I could ask you: Why is it that a two-parent household seems to hold no more importance at all today? MSN.COM just had stats showing that, IIRC, only 37% of kids today will grow up in a two-parent household thru age 18. How bitterly sad. The saddest part is that the 63% think that’s the norm! But, it is not the norm. Both parents play a delicate and vital roll in the raising a well-adjusted child. If one holds any self-respect at all, one would know there’s a lot more to life then just getting knocked-up, ya know! And, remember it takes two to tango.
