My Ex-Wife is Getting Married

My ex-wife and I divorced about two years ago after 14 years of marriage. The reasons aren’t particularly relevant. In all honesty I suspect that we got married too young, with too little life experience, and with too little emotional maturity (I was 23, she was 22. WAY too young to be getting married (said the voice of experience)).

Since the divorce we’ve maintained a very civil relationship (in fact, we seem to make better friends than we ever made spouses - go figure) and we share custody of our daughter. On Saturday, my ex told me that she and her boyfriend are getting married in June. I told her that she deserved some happiness after what had been a pretty rough patch, and that I was happy for her. My daughter likes the boyfriend, and likes the idea that she’ll have a “sister” (the boyfriend has a 7 year old). I’ve met the boyfriend, and while I don’t expect we’ll be grabbing a beer and hanging out, we were polite to each other and have made the most out of what can be an awkward situation.

So why am I feeling a bit of a let down? Some of it may be that she (my ex) is really moving on - she’s recovered and is healthy and in a good place and all of that and I’m a little resentful that she got over me (how’s that for unmitigated gall and pride?) Some of it may be that my daughter is going to be partially raised by another man and that I’m jealous. Some of it may be a little bit of jealousy at having her new husband take over “my” spot with regard to her family (her parents were very partial to me and treated me better than they tended to treat their biological son). It is really a pretty confusing situation and I’m bumping up against some feelings that I can quite put in their proper place.

Any thoughts? Anyone been through a similar situation? Anyone want me to shut up and quit taking up bandwidth? Anyone?

I am sorry I have nothing substantive to say, plnnr - I simply have not been in your situation.

I can say, from an outside perspective, that it makes sense that you would be affected by your ex’s engagement. Everyone of the aspects of your being down that you listed make logical sense - of course you would feel those emotions. Just because you made the decision to end the marraige some time ago, doesn’t mean you don’t feel connected to the situation.

Humans are wired weird. Be good to yourself and give yourself permission to feel the way you’re feeling…

Give it time…

I’m kind of in your boat, except I don’t have a kid, and I wasn’t married as long, and she’s not getting married (I think). But I was married young, same age. I got jealous when I heard she was dating someone else. Never did figure that one out. It’s gotten better over the last year or so. I wouldn’t worry about it too much. Though I’m guessing it will be a bit different hearing stuff from your daughter; I hear a lot of stuff from my mom and I’ve told to keep it quiet. It’ll pass.

:stuck_out_tongue:
I was 19 and 11 years later we’re happy as clams.

I admit that I felt a bit jealous when one of my old boyfriends got married…

Look on the bright side - doesn’t this mean you don’t have to pay alimony anymore? :smiley:

I imagine you’ve been cognizant of these issues for awhile but only now are you confronted with them head-on in a manner where they must be dealt with instead of simply pondered.

I tried writing several things down but I suck at this stuff so let me just wish you the best and to say to remember it’s a decision you came to that promises an improvement on down the road. Hang in there.

A similar thing happened to me. It was weird to get the feeling that someone was “stealing” my ex, when I had no interest in us getting back together. But that went away pretty quickly, especially after I got into a serious relationship pretty soon after. So I guess it was mostly jealousy of her situation, and some damage to my male ego.

But one thing I still haven’t got over is simply how much more time my son’s step-dad gets to spend with him than I do. While there isn’t the nearly the same bond between them as there is with my son and me, the sheer amount of time drives me nuts!!! And the first time he called him “Dad” around me was terrible.

But the longer its been, the easier the situation gets to deal with. I don’t think it will ever be “easy”, but who said life was supposed to be easy. Hang in there.

You have too choices:

  1. Try to deal with this stuff like a sensitive, intelligent, rational and caring person, and be somewhat torutured and unhappy as you do it.

  2. Assert your dominance.
    I heartily recommend number 2. Chances are now is the time when you question yourself and your worth. I say don’t leave it as a question.

If you remember that line from Animal House.

“Clearly some stupid useless and immature gesture is called for”

“Yeah, and we’re just the guys to do it!”

Well, that’s you!
You have the perfect excuse now to do something crazy, have a but of a mid-life crisis, flex a little testosterone.

Here’s some ideas.

  1. Get a one ton boulder and carve it into a head, (preferably into the head of your ex.) Make sure everybody knows about it. On the day of your ex-wife’s wedding have a party, and at the exact time your ex takes her vow, roll the head off the top of a huge cliff.

  2. Lease a Porsche Boxster

  3. Take up Mountain Climbing, or Hang gliding or something.

  4. Get a motorcycle.

  5. Sign up for the local toughman tournament or Bull riding tournament and go get your ass kicked.

Thanks for the thoughts.

To address a few:

*Yes, getting out from under spousal support will be a relief. Making two house payments has been a royal pain in the check book. At least Lilly, Queen of the Universe, had a nice roof over her head, even if Dad has had to live in an apartment. Hey, at least I had a pool and didn’t have to cut the grass.
*More power to you, Opal. I’m glad it has worked out. I speak from not only my experience, but the experience of 10 of my best friends from college (I counted it up - only one of our marriages is still in tact), and the experience of my SO, who is a couples therapist and sees marriages on the rocks every day of the week. The one thing they all have in common - all of the couples got married young.

*One mid-life crisis per lifetime is all I can handle. Been there and done that.

*I have no interest in riding a motorcycle. Now, if I could only afford that Boxster…

Yeah. It sucks.

Mrs. Tonk and I don’t live together right now. We take turns living at an apartment for a week at a time so the kids can stay at home. That part is fine.

But the client of hers that she’s sleeping with really pisses me off. She has him comeing over to my house after the kids are in bed.

The fact that we’re over with, I can deal with that. Seeing her get on with her life before even starting a formal divorce/dissolution burns me up.

And beyond that, not knowing what the kids are going to think of him if he sticks around for a while. And what they think of their mom.

Sorry if this turned into a hijack.

I just think, sometimes life kicks you in the nuts and it’s gonna hurt for a good long time.

I’m gonna start asking Scylla for advice.

I’ve been through it, plnnr, but I’m an ex-wife, so maybe its a little different.

I went through the whole “another woman’s taking care of my kid” when my ex moved in with his girlfriend when I kicked him out. That was five years ago and it was the hardest part of our break-up.

Three years ago, he married her. And I think what bothered me the most about it was that I was still single. Like he was one-upping me somehow. I got over that too.

And you will too.

I am in the same boat right now. I divorced in September. I have a 3 year old little girl who lives with her mother only because I work mid shift. We had a civil divorce and remained friendly, as friendly as a divorced couple can I guess. This guy that she worked with who started coming over to my (old) house to “help” her thru the divorce about a month after I moved out is now her official boyfriend. She and my daughter moved in with hima few weeks ago. This did some pretty serious damage to me and the x’s relationship because I feel like she lied to me for the 6 months before we divorced. She swore that she wasn’t dating this guy and even though I knew better, I still believed her.

There are several feelings that I have about this. The first is that my little girl is living with another man. She knows I am her daddy and I get her every weekend and some week nights, but it still sucks. The second is that some other guy is fucking my wife. I had met the guy a few times over the last couple years so that makes it worse.

I guess Ill get over it, but right now I just wanna curl up and die.

I’ve had this feeling, too. I am totally over my ex-hub, love my present husband and child, but still am annoyed that he’s bought a house and is living with his girlfriend.

Don’t ask me why. I guess annoyed is the wrong word. I dunno.
Weird.

I was thinking the same thing. We were both 23 when we got married. We celebrated our 20th anniversary this past June. And there are, no doubt, people who marry in their late 20s or early 30s who can’t make a go of it. It’s not age, IMHO, but rather the mindset of those going into it that makes a marriage fail or flourish.

That being said, I agree with WordMan. You’re not wrong to feel these things. There’s bound to be comparisons made, whether you want to make them or not. It’s human nature. And who knows what other feelings are still there.

Not only that, but it’s a big change in the status quo. Even if you’re fine with it, it’s bound to shake you up.

Your probably still in love with her. Search your soul hard and ask yourself what you really want. Ask yourself if she is moving on for the sake of moving on or is she really happy? Find out what it is you truly want and then take action. Better than having regrets. If its just jealousy because someone else is with her its one thing, but if its that your regret the divorce and you still love her then i say go guns blazing trying to win her back. Thats just me. Take it from someone who regrets everyday letting my ex wife go and marry someone else when i could have gotten my life back. Now im married to someone else and still think of her everyday. Dont get me wrong i have a good life and i love my current wife for who she is but i continuously feel as though where i am really suppse to be is with my ex-wife.

Might be exceptionally awkward after 8 years.

“HONEY, I WANT Y-- well, you’ve put on weight.”

Welcome to the SDMB, Jaxorbust. This is what we call a “zombie” – a thread that has been active for many months or years. It’s not against the rules to revive them, but it’s often better to let them lie, or to start a new thread and link back if it’s an issue you’re interested in.

Since the OP posted this eight years ago – and is no longer posting here, AFAIK – I’m pretty sure the issue has been resolved, or at least we can’t help with it. (Also noticed OpalCat’s contribution with a :dubious:.) I’m going to close this.