Suppose that a sibling, child, cousin or friend of yours - in their 20s or 30s - suddenly announced, out of the blue, on some social media website, that they were engaged.
There was absolutely no indication that they were even in a relationship with anyone to begin with - they had always seemed single all along. They had been dating for years, but didn’t tell family or friends about the relationship.
There’s nothing wrong with the significant other, by the way. He or she is of the same age (20s or 30s,) a responsible, good, nice, intelligent person. There are no problems or issues, no reason to object to the relationship.
What would your reaction be?
Anger?
Suspicion?
Feeling distrusted?
Shock?
Resentment?
Feel that your family member/friend was an attention-seeker for deliberately trying to stun/surprise people this way?
Surprise, of course.
Concern. It’s unusual to keep a healthy, normal relationship from the important people in your life, especially for years. It suggests a disconnect; either there’s some damage in the link to the family, or there’s something about the relationship that’s being concealed.
I would expect that, if I knew this person well enough to have an opinion about their surprising engagement announcement, then I’d know them well enough to know if they are just a very private, very secretive person, or if they had a strained relationship with me that would explain the secrecy, or if this was inexplicable, out of character behavior to be concerned about.
For my family, that would be pretty much the norm. We’re not particularly close in the sense of sharing everyday gossip. I got an invitation to my brother’s wedding before I knew he was engaged. I did get a text message with pictures of my newborn nephew about 5 minutes before they were posted on Facebook, and was mostly a little surprised that I didn’t know my sister-in-law was pregnant again, and I was shocked she hadn’t posted about her pregnancy at all on Facebook. Still, happy for them. He’s a little cutie pie. I probably, realistically, won’t meet him until he’s in middle school.
My own son still lives with me, and I really don’t expect to know he’s seriously dating until he’s proposed, or at least considered it. I have told him he’s *got *to introduce us before the wedding, though. We have a great relationship, and talk about lots of other things. He’s just a very private person (much like his uncle) and I respect that.
Surprise and not much more. If its really out of the blue there isn’t much to have an opinion on and most times I don’t have an opinion either way. If it works for you I can live with it.
The family’s reaction in “My big fat obnoxious fiancee” appeared abnormal and cinematic. In real life there could only be surprise. Anything else is pointless.
Why anger? Why suspicion? And since he never asked my opinion or advice, how can I possibly feel that I’m being distrusted?
A bit of surprise, sure. But why in hell would I feel resentment?
Shrug. Maybe. But, again, why? I don’t know this is true, so why would I leap to an unwarranted and unpleasant conclusion? Negative opinions require evidence and the scenario is absolutely lacking in this.
A little surprise, definitely. At worst, a guarded neutrality until I’ve met the new fiancee, although since it’s a friend, it’s someone whose judgement I trust and respect.
I lean heavily toward not minding and it’s fine, all good.
Happiness for the couple. Best wishes and congratulations. Unless it’s a daily friend/family member for whom I expect to share almost everything, I wouldn’t feel the slightest bit of resentment. Even then, I’d only feel a twinge, I think.
Good for them! When I got engaged nobody in the family knew shit except my parents. The family embraced my fiancé completely. I usually comment that they like her more than they like me. Hard to believe, I know!
Not me. I’d presume they had a reason. Maybe they didn’t want all their friends to butt in with “advice.” Maybe they were worried that Biff would make a move on the girlfriend. (Or the boyfriend.) Maybe they, themselves, weren’t sure if the relationship was going to endure, and so didn’t want to raise any false hopes among their friends.
For me, and my way of life, the key is always to default to supportive assumptions.
If a good and proper friend of mine walks up to me and slaps me vigorously on the face…I’m going to begin by assuming there is a very good reason for this. Maybe my sideburns were on fire!
My wife and I surprised both sides of the family when we announced our engagement. A few of them had some awareness that we were dating, but not that it was serious.
The only reaction (at least the only one communicated to us) was shock. None of that other stuff.
I often get the urge to change my status to “engaged” on Facebook, out of the blue. I haven’t dated anyone for years, and I have no idea how people would react. I’d probably get some likes and congrats from distant friends but my BFF and brother would probably get the joke right away.
Unless it was a close friend, I’d just assume I hadn’t noticed the relationship before.
There’s a cousin of mine that I see on the odd family occasion (christmas, birthdays, that sort of thing) who always had some random, different girl that he’d bring with him to the event.
They got engaged last year. It turns out the random girl had in fact been the same one for the last three years and I’d just assumed it was a different one each time. :smack:
Same with my son - he’s specifically said that he doesn’t want to be like my niece , who tends to bring the boyfriend-of-the-month to family events.
I would get surprised if it was a close friend who got engaged out of the blue - but only because in my experience , friends meet SOs more quickly than family does.
