Vague doubts about my (non-close) friend's engagement (long, pointless)

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

Last weekend my husband and I (and the Little One) saw a college friend I haven’t seen for ten years, let’s call her Wanda, and her recent fiance, let’s call him Archie (they’re getting married in June). She seemed exactly the same as in college (I imagine she thought the same about me), and he seemed like a nice, interesting guy. I had a good visit with them, first without my husband but with another friend, call her Harriet, from college (and her husband Tom, who was also at college with us) and then they left and my husband and baby came.

I got some weird vibes off Archie, though. Not his personality itself – like I said, he seemed like a nice enough guy, and I imagine I’d like him if I met him independent of Wanda – but… I’m used to engaged couples being just a little bit glowy and inclined to praise each other at the slightest provocation. Wanda was like this. Archie… not so much. I asked how they met, and Wanda said something along the lines of, “Online, can you believe we were able to make such a great match there?” and Archie said something like, “Yeah, Wanda fit me in between dates nineteen and twenty that month… it’s a bit insulting, really!” A little later, as we were talking about the other people in our old college group of friends, he said, “Hey, and you’re the only one who is still unmarried? I must’ve gotten the defective one!”

There were several little things like that, where I reckon he was joking, but still. I am fairly sure some of it is an inferiority complex, because Wanda, Harriet, Tom, and I all went to college at a posh Ivy League and had advanced degrees (in fact Wanda, Harriet, and Tom are all medical doctors), whereas Archie went to a state school and “only” has a masters degree. He actually referred to these things a couple of times – “I only went to a state school, and I’m not a doctor, but at least I know X.” Also, once Harriet and Tom left and my husband, who also went to a state school, was around, Archie calmed down a lot and seemed a lot less inclined to come back to this point.

But still… by the time we left I was a little worried about their relationship, and even in my head wondering if this marriage was going to last. I almost wanted to take him aside and say, “Look, I know Wanda is a great catch on paper, and she’s cute and smart and the two of you would have gorgeous kids, but really, you don’t have to marry her unless you really, really want to and don’t have any doubts about it.”

Note that my husband didn’t get this vibe at all, and actually said to me that he thought they got along well (before I aired my doubts), so likely I’m just blowing things out of proportion. It’s certainly possible that this is just Archie’s sense of humor (certainly Wanda didn’t seem to object horribly, whereas I would have if my husband said those kinds of things, although she started out by denying them (“I didn’t have that many dates!” “Yes you did!” “Oh…”), which is even worse in my book), and that I’m projecting (Wanda is totally Type A, if you couldn’t tell by the date-19-and-20 thing, and although she’s a nice friend I would never want to marry someone like her). It’s also true that Wanda is a very cheerful happy type, which I imagine can paper over a lot of things as well.

But still. I’m bemused because this sort of vague but serious doubt about an engaged couple has never happened to me before. Occasionally I’ll have the “well, there’s someone for everyone!” moment (as we call it in our house) or the “Yeah, he’s clearly not good enough for her” moment, when I meet a friend’s fiance or husband, but it’s usually pretty clear that they complement each other, even if it’s not a person I would have personally chosen for them.

Has this happened to you, that you had vague doubts about an engagement/marriage that on paper sounded like a good thing? I’m not talking about things like my sister and her ex-boyfriend, who fought like cats and dogs every day– that one I knew was doomed, to the point where I was buying her relationship books in the hope she’d get it before they got engaged/married (fortunately she did). I’m talking about things that were subtle, that you thought maybe you had imagined, but that still gave you pause. Were you right or wrong? I imagine I’m wrong – I only saw them for an afternoon, after all. I hope so, anyway.

2

Yeah. I had a friend who got married in a hurry to a guy who did things that just made me feel ooky about him. One of the things he did that really disgusted me was that when she became pregnant she decided to stop smoking. He would taunt her with cigarettes: “Don’t you wish you had one of THESE?”

Everyone said I was making too much of things, and honestly? They’re still married. It’s been almost 20 years.

3

Meh, sometimes you can’t see what someone else sees in someone. Maybe he’s hot in the sack.

4

What the hell? You have no idea what is going on in a non-close friend’s relationships. Hell, one of my best friends got married to a girl who dumped my other best friend. She was actually a friend of mine AFTER she dumped the first best friend. I knew she was batshit insane, and I still said nothing. She even disinvited another super close friend due to stupidity at a party that I was partially responsible for. This friend tried to dissuade the groom the night before in a tequila fueled bender. It all ended in tragedy which we all predicted.

In other words, there’s no accounting for taste. My other buddy got married to a gal who we all knew was pretty much off her rocker, but now she’s settled down and they are a completely lovely couple, much to the surprise of all of us.

5

You just met him! Maybe he’s feeling a little shy and intimidated around his fiance’s friends, all of whom are “big Ivy-League people”. (Seriously, that just irks me. Like that means anything in a marriage!) Leave it be.

6

I have a male friend who got married a few years ago; a more blase fiance I have never seen. He’d talk often about having to finally get the ‘ball and chain,’ and in general would refer to his engagement as some inevitable doom. But, they’d been dating for five years or so, so I assume that his lack of excitement (or expression of excitement) was pretty well known to his future wife.

I also know that the relationship model he had growing up had a similar vibe, so I doubt it has anything to do with his fiance, and more to do with how he knows relationships to be, and what he expects out of them.

IOW, it might be a disaster, but then it might not, just like lots of other relationships.

7

Hee! Okay, I’m glad everyone else is in agreement that I have no clue. (It helps that she’s not a close friend – I think with my close friends I have a much better idea as to what they want/need out of relationships, if that makes any sense?) That was my thought, but it’s nice to see that others’ experiences support this.

It also occurs to me that there are a lot of interactions I have with my husband that someone, looking at it from the outside, might think were weird and/or prophesying doom to the relationship (e.g., I refer to him as “Mr. Wrong” sometimes, which I think once kind of freaked out my sister-in-law), whereas we just think they’re funny and cute.

8

Blimey, if I piled into giving relatinoship advice to every friend I’ve known who has ever gone out with someone I don’t like, who doesn’t seem to respect them, and who doesn’t seem crazy in luuurve, I would’ve set up the SanVito marriage counselling service a long time ago.

People go out with and get married to people we’re not sure of all the time. It’s not much use worrying about it or trying to give advice, as this will always be ignored. All friends can do is keep fingers crossed and be prepared to pick up the pieces afterwards.

9

Is Archie British by any chance? Or from some other non-American culture?

I know individuals and entire cultures for which the only acceptable way for a husband to publicly show affection for his wife in public is through small insults like this. To say something nice about one’s wife in front of other people is looked on with suspicion.

10

For all his insecurities, his comments show a constant theme of being impressed with her and feeling lucky, so that’s a good thing. But I do get what you’re saying.

I had a friend whose fiancee had an obnoxious sense of humour. Like at one barbecue where all day he would just walk up and poke her in the shoulder. Same spot every time. He seemed to think that if he kept doing it it would become a running joke and she would eventually think it was funny. She didn’t. I thought if he kept doing it she would eventually eviscerate him. I wanted to just from watching it.

That’s just one example. It was so bad that I had to remove myself from that social group, and went from bridesmaid to not even attending the wedding. I don’t know if they’re still married. I sure hope not.

11

I have had my doubts about people, generally if they got married very quickly and I didn’t think they’d had much time to know each other very well. In one case, the couple dated maybe 6 months before they were married. Nearly 20 years later, they are still married. Other couples I thought would be together forever and ever are divorced.

I have learned that A) I have no idea what really goes on behind closed doors in other people’s relationships and I have no clue what works for other people. B) Because I do not usually have all the facts, my opinion is irrelevant. C) It’s none of my damn business.

Unless one of these people have come to you and specifically asked for your opinion, I sincerely hope you will be keeping it to yourself.

12

I didn’t mean to imply I’d be giving advice to either of them! Oh, no. They’re adults and can take care of themselves, and I totally agree it’s none of my business. I was more surprised by my own reaction than with anything else, and it’s good to know that other people have had similar reactions and been mistaken.

TruCelt, your friend’s fiance sounds a LOT like my sister’s ex-boyfriend, whom I liked a lot but who had a completely different sense of humor than my sister, meaning they fought about things he thought were funny and she did not. Every day. And I got to hear about it. And I know my sister really well, so I knew that it was actively toxic for both of them (as opposed to the case in the OP, where my info on my friend is ten years outdated, so I have no idea what they’re thinking). After years of this, they fortunately broke up before it progressed to engagement.

13

Yeah, I agree that you really don’t have enough to go on here to have anything except vague misgivings. For all you know, Archie is sensitive and insecure about his lower level of education (only a Masters!), but Wanda doesn’t even notice or care.

My husband and I both have weird, dry senses of humour. He often says things to me in public that would sound terrible to anybody overhearing them, but they crack me right up (or I just roll my eyes) because I know him, I know his sense of humour, and I know the context.