After a weekend of (freezing cold) camping during which I had to squat plenty thanks to our camping ration “curry”, I have the telltale signs of a hemorrhoid. I called the telehealth services and they said “Yup, sounds like a hemorrhoid. Go see your doctor if it isn’t gone in a few days or a week.”
Crongratulate me on this milestone, it’s my first!
But, (heh, I said “butt”) now I’m afraid to poop. This morning’s constitutional hurt so bad I thought I was giving birth to an adult hedgehog and the critter was leaving me sideways!
Is there anything I can do to numb the bunghole? I’m scared shitless to poop!
Witch hazel. It comes as a clear liquid you can buy at a health food store. Put some on a wad of cotton and stick it between your cheeks before bed. If it’s really bad, you can reapply it during the day. If you’re like me it should shrink in a day or two.
Also, try sitting cross-legged right on top of your heel (i.e. so it’s quite near the sore spot). This seems to relax some of the pressure for me.
Don’t fear the poop. You’ll probably do a lot more damage to your 'roid by trying to hold it in. To soften it before it comes out, make sure you eat lots of fibre, and avoid cloggy foods like cheese and bananas; this way it can more easily work around your … situation.
Sitz-baths, or soaking in a hot tub 3x a day will help with circulation. Cream or suppositories if you want to get tactile. Otherwise, in the words of Sgt. Barnes, as portrayed by Tom Berenger in Platoon:
Eat some turnips (dice them up, saute, and add to some vegetable soup or chicken noodle, or just eat them with butter, salt, and pepper.) - it’s full of fiber/fibre and is QUICK to soften things up.
As for the “assroid” - witch hazel, or Tucks or whatever you fancy. Heck, I know people who would swear by using plain yogurt (sorry - some things just dont need to go in both ends!).
To help eliminate (hee hee hee) any future 'roids, try eating a couple of dried plums (prunes) a day or anything else high in fiber.
I dunno what it is marketed as in the US, but in Aus there is an ointment called ‘Preperation H’ which I believe is basically a xylocaine and astringent-based medicament that numbs the pain and shrinks the offending, um, protuberance.
Just check too that you aren’t suffering an anal fissure…generally a damn-sight more painful than your average pile, but much easier to fix if I recall correctly.
All the same, your troubles sound like a right pain in the arse. You have my sympathies.
The formula for PrepH varies in different countries I have just discovered. Some formulas have hydrocrotisone, the witch hazel wipes aren’t available in Canada, and the Canadian formula has something called Bio-Dyne which is behind the rumour that you can use PrepH to get rid of bags under your eyes or some such nonsense (I tink Cecil has a column about that).
No xylocaine here in the one here (that I saw).
On closer inspection, there is no, um… protuberance or signs of inflammation (I’ve heard the ones that hurt are external). The nice telehealth nurse said if it’s not a 'roid, it could be a “fissure” caused by all the squatting I was doing (damn, curry).
Anyone know how long a fissure takes to heal? Will I be able to poop without feeling like I’m passing glass?
The telehealth nurse said I should be really low risk for 'roids. I’m a vegetarian and so I eat great gobs of fiber (Kale! Rah! Rah! Rah!) and I have a very active lifestyle, but when I said it felt like there was a marble in my butt, she said “hemorrhoid”!
But now I don’t feel a marble in my butt. I wonder if that was just initial inflammation from a fissure.
I’m still afraid to poop! And if I’m on schedule… the bell will soon toll. :eek:
According to Kevin Smith fissures take weeks to heal and can be bad enough to prevent you from even sitting. He had one show up while he was on jury duty and had to lie down in the jury box until he could be excused according to his book My Boring Ass Life.
I would say sitting is a good sign. In the book Kevin Smith says he was told by his doctor that, “In three weeks you should be about 50% better.”
Then he went on a diatribe about how medical science should be so much better than that by now. It was pretty funny, but I also did not have an anal fissure at the time so I can see where people who do wouldn’t be so amused.
Thanks for all the advice, folks. I followed it all as best I could, so when it came time to… jettison my cargo… it was not exactly pain-free, but it only hurt about as much as a few too many jalapeno peppers the night before.
I’ll continue with this regimen in hopes that the cargo bay heals up quickly.
