I think it is clear that the world has a deficiency: There simply aren’t enough giant hamsters around. I mean, just think about the potential benefits: The SDMB would run much faster, we’d have another cute type of pet, a renewable source of power, and cute fuzzy death machines for my Legion of Doom. Err… you didn’t hear that last one.
As a consequence, I propose we attempt to breed a new race of hamsters, hamsters of truly collosal proportions! Join me, it is for the good of humanity!
In order to facilitate the Gargantuan Hamster Project (GHP) I propose the three following modes of attack:
Genetic engineering. The obvious approach. We simply need to take an ordinary hamster, insert the Really Big gene into it’s genetic structure and let err… nature take it’s course! Should we encounter problems, I propose moving to phase two of the operation:
Chrono-Breeding. Let mother nature take her course, with just a leetle bit of help from us humans. Millions of years can transform even the most basic of life-form given a selective breeding process. All we need to do is alter time. Thus if we can develop the peak of our physics to alter time in a small compound,we can stretch a 5 million year selective breeding process into a couple of days. It can’t fail!
If, through some catastrophe that can only involve divine intervention, plans 1 & 2 manage to fail, we shall invoke the most daring and ingenious plan of them all. We shall sacrifice a chicken and invoke the ancient necromancer god IckypookoIxtclq to cast the ritual of hamster growth, thus creating an army of giant hamster zombie slaves!
Remember, it is for the good of humanity. Join me in my crusade for the better hamster. Let the Fluffy Hamster Legions of Doom march forth across the world to umm… err… spread, like, fluffiness and cuteness. Umm. Yeah. (Muah. Ah hah. Ha)
Disclaimer: This post was based on an actual conversation by the real life incarnation of kitarak. In order to raise the tone of the board, no illegal substances nor alchoholic beverages were consumed within the course of this conversation. By reading this you officially forfeit your souls to serve the Great Lord Kitarak in his quest for world domination. Fnord. If you’re still reading this it’s probably bad for your eyes. My hamster legions shall destroy you all!
OK, I came in here. I read the OP. I think this entitles me to boost my post count by 1…
Sheeesh, now you say something. Oh well, fair is fair I guess.
Did you just fling a fnord at me? Stupid Illuminati– can’t anyone get a conspiracies together w/o their support? In addition to all their other shady dealings, apparently they are like some sort of all-powerful union.
I always sort of favored an upgrade instead. Dump the hamsters (almost spelled it with a ‘p’ there) and hire some of the free range nutrias that are running rampant through mid-atlantic swamps.
Hell, I’ll even pay the shipping on a breeding pair to Chicago if they like. Anything for the cause.
Also, how would you attach the mouse? (Does it need its own hamster mat, or is it house trained?)
A fourth method of creating your Legions of Doom would be to use a bike pump, or a compressed gas canister. Warning: This can be messy if you don’t quite have the hang of it.
You forgot about the duct tape. If you’re going to inflate a hamster, you must duct tape the other orifices shut. Otherwise, the pressurised gas just whooshes straight through the hamster, possibly making a pleasing sound on exit. (In fact, by strategically covering and uncovering selected openings, you can play tunes while failing to inflate your hamster.)
It’s nice to see there are other people who know the wonders of duct tape. I was taking its use as given, Steve, but good call on the reminder for those less versed in rodent inflatability.
Another tip is to warm up the hamster beforehand, either in a microwave[sup]1[/sup], or with hot towels (it’s considered bad form to use the Gere approach). You could warm it up by making it run in its wheel for a few hours first, that’s acceptable.
As for combat uses - ever heard of barrage balloons? And for extra offense, get it to pack its cheeks full of bombs…
1- Please note, I do not condone the practise of placing any type of live animal in a microwave[sup]2[/sup].
2- Nor do I condone inflating live animals[sup]3[/sup].
3- Always batter the animal in question to death first…
Could we somehow harness the untapped cpu power of all our SDMB PCs (and Macs) to help this noble project? Sort of like the SETI at Home project. All that hamster…er…number crunching could be done while we sleep. We wake up in the morning and voilàFluffy Hamster Legions of Doom!
So, anyway, back to the weapons. Do we Good Guys get like magic swords and stuff?
I think they did the giant bunnies in with electricity. Boring.
At least nuclear energy or flamethrowers or I’m outta here.
Now why does this remind me of the giant clam that my siblings and I saw once at one of the local Chinese supermarkets? (cost quite a bit, IIRC… at least $100)
We should go Dr. Z style: turn humans into hamsters. Technically, that would be a giant hamster. Someone, get me a tank, a spray bottle, and a folksy theme song.
Well, of course you can overclock a hamster. Even as we speak many noble people around the world are taking the first steps upon this honourable quest!
Wolfian and Encinatas: What brilliant ideas! Truly you have embraced the true spirit of the Fluffy Hamster Legions of Doom! I appoint you as heads of the projects you suggest, and grant you each a small country and 10 million squirrel slave labourers as an initial power base. Let me know if you need more.
For the glory of the Fluffy Hamster Legions of Doom!
Disclaimer: The Illuminati are in no way, shape or form involved with this project. Especially not the parts involving world domination. Fnord.
Giant hamsters? No problem. To quote possibly the greatest mind of our times “If there’s one thing we’ve learned from the movies, it’s that radiation makes things grow really big.” - Homer J. Simpson. How come Homer gets a p in his name and the hamsters don’t? Doesn’t seem very equitable if you ask me. I’ll bet they get that p when they’re 20 feet tall!
kitarak’s secret identity is exposed. Nicely done Baker. I, of course, fully oppose this twisted scheme. Y’see, I had this hamster when I was a kid, and the little booger bit my finger once:
Hamsters therefore = ouchie fingers.
Ouchie fingers = Inability to type.
Inability to type = Demise of SDMB
Demise of SDMB = World conquest by hamsters.
We cannot allow this. Someone bring on the chocolate boobies!
