Hamster Un-Dance

(because they are so static)

The hamsters are so fucking slow
Are they dead or just asleep?
I wish they had bought gerbils
But hamsters are so cheap

The lazy little fuckas
Won’t get their ass in gear
It takes ten minutes to load a page
Let’s kick each furry rear

Poor Straight Dope hamsters
Just can’t get their rears in Gere
Please forgive the pun

=========================

The hamsters of SDMB
Are happy to labor for thee;
The poor little slackers
Are run 'till they’re knackered
And you get their labor for free.

The wheels are silent, the water’s untouched
So too the hamster food, hamster lettuce, hamster brunch
The cage is quite empty, Mr. S-D-M-B?
Off in the Hamptons! He’s a ham-ster with “P”

Blue sky, sun outside . . .
Hamsters running on a wheel
Why so much hard work?

You’re a little furry bastard, gerbil fucka!
You’re a post-eating all-sleeping gerbil fucka!
You’re a little furry bastard gerbil fucka!
You like to fuck posters, yes you do! You shit, you submit when I click preview!
You’re a little furry bastard gerbil fucka!
You’re a little furry bastard gerbil fucka!
You’re a slowwitted fourfooted hamster fucka!
Gonna kick some furry tail, gerbil fucka!
You like to fuck posters yes you do! I found you a sex aid it’s a cardboard tube!
[Hand jive]
You like to fuck posters yes it’s true! I won’t be curt. Ow fuck that hurts!
One post!
Two posts!
Three posts!
Four!
Oh, you fucking gerbil bastard fucker, gerbil F-U-C-K-ARRR!
[Fart jive]

I’m usually hard to rile
But, it upsets me the most
When my message won’t compile
And the hamsters devour my post.

Actually, that is just out of consideration for the rest of us.

:smiley:

Oh hamster, oh hamster, I’m prostrate for thee
I beg that you shine down your glory on me.
Let my page load, zip zap it is done!
Yes my kind master, er, hamster’s The One.

Oh hamster, tired hamster–I beg of you this,
Let my words post, I want a hit–not a miss!
“Submit”, I hit you, I wait and I watch;
My words they have vanished! My post I have lost!

Oh hamster, cruel hamster–You bring me such pain.
You make me go crazy, you make me insane.
If you weren’t so wonderous those times when you work,
I’d hunt you down gladly and jab you with forks.

You are the hamster
Message-board hamster
You make my post load
Onto the page
I’ll never know, though
Whether it posted
Because you won’t let me load the damn page.

The other night, dear
while I was posting
You said my post did not go through
So I reposted
I was mistaken
Double-posts make baby Jesus cry.

You are the hamster
Message-board hamster
You make my post load
Onto the page
I’ll never know, though
Whether it posted
Because you won’t let me load the damn page.

Ode to thee! Scurry! Scurry!
Toil ceasless for our bemusement.
Oh, little ones, proud and saucy!
Little noted, nor long remembered, the fruits of your efforts.
Excoreated, never exonerated
If posessed the fancy of vocalization,
would bade us to take to chisel to stone
and victualize on thy undergarments!


She told me she loved me like a brother. She’s from Arkansas, hence the Joy!

THE LOST POST

Seated one day at the keyboard,
I was weary and ill at ease,
And my fingers wandered idly
Over the clicking keys.

I do not know what I was writing,
Or what I was dreaming then;
But my post was so exciting
It would startle the wisest of men

It filled up the box, “Your Reply:”
Like the words of immortal fate
And it seemed that my message could vie
With the wisdom of Cecil the great.

It linked all perplexéd meanings
With consequence, weighty with heft
And vanquished all my critics
Especially those on the left.

But the message could not be delivered
The program could not be compiled
The monitor shook and it shivered
And a hungry hamster smiled.

I have sought, but I seek it in vain
The long lost message divine,
Which came from some higher plane,
And somehow entered mine.

After I go, Death’s bright angel
May speak what I once spoke upon
But, if not, I can think of some posters
Who at last be glad that I’m gone.

Last line should be
“Who at last will be glad than I’m gone.”

The Hamsters on SDMB
are slower than we think they should be
they’re slower than shit
they give me a fit
But as much as I don’t like december, I dont wish he was dead.

I never finished poetry class.

There once was a cute doper lass
who visited an internet morass.
The hamsters, it seems
were lost in their dreams
And were dancing as slow as molass.

(Istara, I have no idea if you’re a bloke or a lass - it just rhymes well)
Thank you, I’ll be here all week.
Don’t forget to tip your waitress…

Once upon a workplace luncheon, As I set bemoaning Brunchin’
Shuttlecocks
’ lack of site updates, 'tis been at least week or more;
In other windows I did browse Fark’s stories of molested cows
and Poe’s last ‘Exploitation Now’ whose abrupt ending made me sore
“Though the story might be good,” thought I, "that ending made me sore -
“But mayhap there’s still more in store.”

Presently, a notion struck me; “Self,” thought I, “I wonder what the
Denizens of Doper-land are frothing over on the board?”
To SDMB I then hastened; for nothing’s quite so fun as wastin’
Salaried afternoons amused to death at Pit-flames on the board;
“To Cecil’s Kingdom!” cried I, “rodents, take me to the board!”
Quoth the hamsters, “404”.

“Drat,” thought I, “Those Telco bastards’ T1 lines must all be plastered
maybe I’ll just wait a bit, and access soon might be assured;”
Impatiently, I start to wear the letters off my poor F5 key
Hoping that the hamsters’ smoke break soon would be no more
Picturing the hamsters’ furry asses dragging on the floor;
Smirked the hamsters, “Enter? Sure.”

“Victory!” I loudly cried, “now let us see what’s up inside
the twisted little minds of all the Dopers I adore!”
And anon, a thread I loaded, smart reply from me had goaded
A thing of beauty, this reply, “'Twill have them rolling on the floor!”
Hastily I hit submit, expecting Dopers rolling on the floor
Belched the hamsters, “404”.

“You hairy little FUCKS!” I cried, as error message I espied
“‘Twas only three short lines! You choked on THAT? You fuzzy little whores!
You never turn your rodent nose to Fenris’ tomes of Wagnerian prose
But MY curt three-line message leaves you gasping on the floor?”
The “go back” button I then clicked, to try ‘Submit’ some more;
Mocked the hamsters, “404”.

I like to think that Cecil knows the place to which the dead posts go
Where now it may find peace with all the posts that died before
For now that inspiration passed, there’s nothing of my post to last
To be remembered later on, and praised in future Doper lore;
That nameless graveyard where his evil rodents shat my lore;
Funny here…well…nevermore.

Well done, indeed, apotheosis.

Well thank you, of course…but given the inspiration provided by your both your offering and Edgar Allen Poe, there’s not much credit to claim for myself. :slight_smile:

so much depends
upon
a little brown ro
dent
dappled with sweat
water
beside the white
servers

(Hey, it makes as much sense as the original)

so much depends
upon
a small brown ro
dent
dappled with sweat
water
beside the white
servers

(Hey, it makes as much sense as the original)

Ah, crap. Stupid hamsters. Can’t take a joke, eh?