Handouts to students: nice or patronizing?

In My Humble Opinion
1

I am a non-teaching college professor at a public liberal arts college. I’ve met students that I liked before, but here’s a completely new one on me: I’ve met one that I would damned near like to adopt.

He’s 18 years old and for many reasons he reminds me A LOT of myself at his age (broke, gay, majorly f*cked up family [not just talking unhappy but psychotic disfunction], theatrical bent, heavy reader but not a good student, a very split maturity [i.e. in some ways more mature than the average 50 year old and in others less mature than the average 15 year old], in serious need of guidance, all of which could exactly describe me when I was his age). We were recently in a play together and got to know each other quite well while chatting backstage, and he’s one of those kids who could go either way- I could see him finishing college and being a great human being or just drifting and being a total slacker pothead when he’s 30.

Now, I can honestly say that my interest in this kid is platonic (in the first place I wasn’t attracted to teenagers when I was a teenager, let alone now, in the second he’s frankly not attractive as most would understand the term, and thirdly he’s not my type at all if he were older or more attractive [very nellie, among other things, and nothing against femmes but I just tend to be attracted to more masculine and burly guys]). I can also honestly say that I’ve helped quite a few students over the years financially, both male and female, who were in obvious need and I did it without any incentive other than it made me feel good (“I’m hungry… wanna go grab a bite? My treat” can be lovely words to a student who hasn’t had a decent meal in days, or “Something is really bothering you… I’m somebody you don’t have to see everyday, tell me about it” can help some kids get some pretty major shite off their chest that they wouldn’t want to talk to their parents or their friends about). But this kid… he needs a lot of help and I’m afraid of coming on too strong. When I learned (through somebody else) that he recently lived on PB&J sandwiches and canned beans for a week it just broke my heart. He gets absolutely no support from his family (who deserve to be kicked until they’re dead in some cases- we’re talking some seriously effed up Fundies who have no business judging anybody [i.e. their kids were in foster care for a while and both mom & dad have spent time in jail] but who had the nerve to disown him when they learned he was gay) and the jobs he can handle are minimum wage-part-time stuff, plus he’s car-less which limits his employability.

I actually wonder if perhaps, against all preconceived notions to the contrary, I really do have paternal instincts. I’ve seen so many gay kids from similar (and worse) get totally messed up with drugs, high-risk sex, incredible bitterness, etc. (most of my gay friends from my late teens/early 20s are in fact now dead) and I couldn’t do a thing to help, but maybe this one I can. Also, this kid is majorly underachieving (he’s very very bright but is at constant risk of flunking out and a large part of that is he’s the type who needs somebody to pat his back & kick his butt as needed and there’s nobody but a couple of pothead friends) and I hate to see him totally f*ck up there; I’ve known no shortage of bright people who ended up bussing tables at 30 for similar reasons that I’d love to be able to head one off.

So here’s my thing: I want to help this kid, but I don’t want it to come across as too patronizing. I also don’t want it to be misinterpreted (i.e. an older gay guy offering money to a younger gay guy in whom he has “taken an interest”). I basically want him to know that, while I sure as hell can’t help with any big stuff (a car, non-slum housing, etc.), I can definitely spare him from the PB&J/beans thing or help him get his utilities turned back on once in a while, and there is absolutely no self-deception when I say I want nothing in return. I also want him to know that I’m there if ever wants to talk to somebody who totally understands what it’s like to come from a family that would turn some people’s hair white but doesn’t feel the need to compete when somebody else wants to talk about their own.

So- especially other teachers/professors- have you ever known “this student”? How do you help them?

Advice appreciated.

(I should state that I’m not one of those profs or teachers who wants to be a teenager again: I don’t listen to singers who are popular with teenagers, don’t even pretend to get most modern musical artists or teen movies, I’m not preachy about pot and the like but I make it clear that I’m somewhat prudish on the subject, and I won’t even knowingly offer underage students drinks at cast parties or at conferences where we’re both in attendance, but strangely I seem more popular with some teenagers now when I don’t even make an effort to relate to thiem than I ever was as a teenager.)

2

Can you get him some kind of cushy campus job? Something where he can get a halfway decent paycheck and spend at least some of his time doing work for his classes, and something that’ll let him take extra time off around exams. That would be less weird than just giving him money, and it’d be quite helpful.

3

No doubt. One of my professors got me a temporary job on campus when I was in uni and it was fantastic. It was a good learning experience and it helped boost my always-pretty-dodgy self-esteem at the same time as paying the bills. Having someone acknowledge that I was worth a wage was better than just the money.

However if that’s not possible, well I’d have found handouts uncomfortable, to be honest. Not patronizing, just plain uncomfortable. I took the government assistance I was entitled to, don’t get me wrong, but gift money from a professor would have made me slink away in embarrassment. A pride issue. I know what it’s like to be doing it hard and any money would have helped (I know that’s a contradiction to what I just said) but direct charity from someone in a position of authority would have been weird.

I guess in conclusion to my somewhat mixed thoughts, if there’s a way you can help him without it being directly obviously charity then I’d do it without a second thought; otherwise it’s really up to how well you know him as to whether that would offend his pride. Maybe let him know if, say, he needs long-term loans in case of emergencies like losing the utilities, you are there to be asked? I had to borrow money (which I did repay) on occasion, and that wasn’t so bad and it was a relief just to know if there was an emergency, someone would help me through.

4

Why not find out his mailing address and send him $X per month in the form of a money order?

Totally anonymous and there’s no way he’s going to turn the cash down. Since you won’t be putting your name in the section you’re supposed to, you won’t be able to track it but if it’s an in-town mailing, it’s probably not gonna get lost.

5

Wow. You seem like a really nice guy and this kid is lucky to have run across you. Having been a seriously screwed-up college kid myself, and now an administrator at a university, I sincerely appreciate what you’re doing. I second the idea of something anonymous–not only does it provide some practical assistance, but also the wonder of knowing someone really cares and is sensitive to his dignity as a human being. I guess I’ve become cynical after 8 years of dealing with some pretty difficult students :frowning: but your post really made me sit back and think about how I deal with those kiddos.

Good luck, to you and him.