Happily married/partnered and childless-by-choice?

In My Humble Opinion
41

My wife and I have been a couple for ten and a half years and married for a little over eight. I’ll leave it to her, should she choose to post in this thread, to explain her own reasons for not wanting children, but I fall under the same category as featherlou’s husband. I was somewhat ambivalent to the idea of having kids before I got into the relationship, and when she told me that it held zero interest for her, I was perfectly fine with it.

Over the years, I’ve been fairly consistent with my feelings about this. I have wavered a time or two with guilt over the fact that my mother won’t have any grandchildren (I’m an only child), but that does not make for a good reason to have kids. All of my wife’s siblings have children (we’ve got three nephews and two nieces ranging in age from a year to twelve years old), and while it has been fun to play with them and watch them grow, I just don’t really want to go through the process of child-rearing myself.

I have an enormous amount of respect for anyone who is raising or has raised a child. I’m sure I can’t even begin to imagine the sacrifices one has to make, nor the rewards that come from watching your progeny become a functional member of society. I can’t praise you enough. I just don’t think it’s for me.

42

I’m 41, he’s 46, and we’ve been married 13 years. We assumed we’d have kids at some point, but it never seemed the right time. It wasn’t the right time for so long that we finally realized we really weren’t planning to do it. That was perfectly okay with us. Now it’s not possible (hysterectomy 3 years ago) and we’re still fine with it. Twenty years from now I expect we’ll still be fine with it. For one thing, I don’t think I have the emotional and mental strength to deal with the stresses of being a parent. For another, I think our parenting philosophies might be a bit (ha!) divergent.

43

The spouse is 41, I’m 42, and we’ve been married for 18 years. I knew when I was a wee small child myself that I didn’t want kids and had zero maternal instinct. Nothing changed as I got older. I fully expected that I probably wouldn’t get married, and I was fine with that. The spouse comes from a big, religious, very pro-child family. When I told him I didn’t want kids I expected him to break it off right then and there. Instead, he got thoughtful and said essentially, “You know, I never really thought there was another way–but I don’t think I do either.” I made sure he was very sure before we got married, and he voluntarily got a vasectomy at age 23. (I didn’t ask him to–I was willing to get snipped myself–but it was easier and less expensive for him to do it).

We’ve never regretted it. We like our life, never feel wistful about “what could have been,” and channel any nurturing instincts to each other and our five cats.

His parents have given up expecting grandchildren from us. My parents never did, and they’ve always been okay with that. I think we’re really lucky in that regard. Not that it would have changed anything, but it does cut down on stress.

44

I think this is in general a pretty good practice - to examine paths taken and consider those not taken, on a regular basis. Seems to me it keeps the brain from getting fossilized and inflexible, and makes other people’s decisions a little easier to understand.

Mr Toadbriar and I have been together since 1993. We’re both 32. I recall being around 5 years old, not knowing how babies come about but knowing damn certain I didn’t want one to happen to me. I know how much I want a newfoundland puppy. I know how much I want a barn and a few goats. A child has never been anywhere on the list of desires. The want for a child should blow these other things away, if one is considering parenthood! That has never been the case for us.

Occasionally, when I am around a particularly cool kid, there is a momentary twinge. But upon examination I feel this is more that I’d like, say, an 11 year old buddy, than to actually play the role of Mom to even the coolest kid. Auntie feels much more right. We both pursue quite solitary obsessions; the sort of activities better suited to a dozing hound or kitty nearby, rather than a little person who needs lots more attention and necessity of interruption. I just don’t think my well of patience is deep enough to be fair to a little kid.

But the most important thing is the lack of desire. Every baby should be their parent’s wish granted.

45

We’re both 31, together for 12 years, married for four, very happy.

Sometime in our mid-twenties, we independently decided that we didn’t want kids. It was weird–we used to talk about kids in a vague, someday sort of way, but then suddenly it dawned on both of us that we didn’t want that.

And it really isn’t any more complicated than that. I can’t imagine taking on the responsibility of raising a child unless I were 100% sure I wanted to devote my life to that purpose. And I’m not. In fact, my certainty that I don’t want to do that approaches 100%.

I’m open to the possibility that I might change my mind, or that my wife might. But it would involve becoming such different people than we are now that it would be far from the only issue.

Will I regret it someday? Maybe. I believe that the person to gets to middle age and has no regrets whatsoever lacks sufficient imagination.

I really wish there were a local group like NO KIDDING around here. It’s very hard to make like-minded friends when you’re CBC in a rural area.

46

Amen and hallelujah! Mr. S and I aren’t ordinarily “joiners,” but I think we’d join something like that in a red-hot minute. We enjoy our kidded friends, but sometimes planning to get together with them is a nightmare. So we don’t see a lot of them as often as we might like, and often it’s means having the kids around, which can be fun but curtails adult topics of conversation.

47

I found this online community when I googled for “No Kidding” (no chapters in LA!) The subheading is “a website for liberal childfree atheists and agnostics” so I don’t know if it’s up your alley or not. I may try it on for size.

48

ABSOLUTELY!!! The decision to have children is the selfish choice. If I was feeling cranky and people would say to me that it was selfish to be childless, I’d sometimes respond, meditatively, “Yeah, I know what you mean … like, take that lady Mother Theresa, she was childless … and boy was SHE selfish.”

49

Some people I’ve come across genuinely seem to think there’s something wrong with you if you don’t have kids. I remember well from back in the days when I was temping, I’d go into a new assignment and start chatting with the (largely) female staff and they’d not wait long before they wanted to know if I was married with kids. I would tell them I lived with someone but we didn’t have kids. They’d get all sympathetic and start clucking about “knowing when it’s time” and " hoping there wasn’t a problem". WTF?

At the moment, everyone in my team apart from me and the manager, are all part-time staff. One’s just gone on maternity leave and I now have all her work as well as mine, plus I’m expected to cover for the other three part-timers when they’re not here (they all came back to work after maternity leave, all part time) and do my own work. Y’know, it almost makes me want to have a kid out of spite!

50

Sadly, a divergance over this issue appears to have been a major cause of my brother breaking up with his very-long-term GF.

My wife and I have a baby, and so does my other brother and his wife - both arrived at pretty well the same time. My childless brother really grooved to being a double-uncle; his GF was clearly of the “I’ll never have kids” camp - you could see it in how each reacted to the babies (my brother’s face just lit up seeing 'em and he couldn’t wait to cuddle 'em; his gf - well, there’s a pic of her holding my baby - at arm’s length, and with an unhappy look).

I think this triggered thoughts of having babies in my childless brother, which were clearly not shared by his gf. Thus, they split after 12 years, though they obviously cared for each other, as that’s a pretty fundamental incompatibility.

My thoughts on the matter? Neither is right and neither is wrong; what is sad, if not being with someone who shares your POV. Those childless couples who, together, make the decision not to have 'em and are both cool with it - great; and great to those who both decide they want 'em. Sadly, some change their minds over time. But it is the lesser of the tragedies to regret not having them then to regret having them - the latter is sad not just for yourself, but for the child as well.

Being a dad myself, I can see that it is not for everyone. I think it is great, myself, and I’ve never regretted it; but it is a tremendous lot of responsibilty, worry and work; it changes you life in pretty fundamental ways. I’ll readily admit that my reasons for wanting a kid were selfish - I wanted to experience all that life has to offer; I’ve already done the “I’m a guy in his 30s with some money out to have a good time” thing; I did not want to settle into a comfortable rut, with my books and my cats, like so many of my childless friends; I wanted to re-experience the fun of learning through the eyes of a child. But once I actually had the kid none of that really mattered; I think there is a biological change that takes place, making the focus in your own mind less on what you want and more on the child. Thge child isn’t an accessory to my lifestyle and personal growth (as looking back I sort of naively assumed), but rather more the other way around - which is as it should be.

Which isn’t to say that all that stuff didn’t happen - it did - but rather, that it was no longer the point.

All of which is a long-winded way of saying that either decision (to have kids or not to have kids) is, I think, made for selfish reasons - but the results may not be what one would expect.

51

Not that it’s particularly relevant to the OP’s initial question, but that doesn’t surprise me. It’s impossible for someone to “accidentally” not get pregnant. In order for that statistic to be fair, we’d have to include all the people who want children but can’t conceive.

Anyway, I really respect everyone’s choices, and do not want to turn this into some kind of debate (I’m not suggesting you do, either).

52

I’m 36 and Mr. m is 38. We’ve been together 16 years, married for 8.

I’ve never been interested in kids. I think they’re cute and fun to be around, but I don’t want one of my own. He feels the same way. We have a niece and a nephew, plus lots of friends with kids–that usually takes care of it anytime we want to spend time with kids.

No one should ever feel guilty over that decision. No one is owed grandchildren.

And unlike marriage, careers, homeownership or any other major life decision, you can’t undo it once you have kids. You’re a parent for the rest of your life. It’s a role you have to be willing to play forever, or you shouldn’t do it.

53

Thanks again for your responses, everyone – and to the Doper who lent me a copy of “Maybe Baby” today.

Personally, I have never actively wanted to NOT have kids…but I’ve never felt an intense desire FOR them, either. Whence my ambivalence; if I felt strongly one way or the other that would be different.

As for my wife, well, she tends in general to feel more strongly about things than I do. But kids don’t feel right at the moment. Maybe they will later.

Sometimes I think it’s living in this gray area – no hard pull one way or the other – that’s the most bothersome.

54

You might be best off at this point just figuring out what circumstances will require you to make a decision. For example, you getting to 50 – maybe at that point you don’t want to be chasing around after a rugrat.

That way, you’ve got a deadline for making a decision, so your gray area starts to get some definition.

55

That’s a good point, actually. I actively don’t want them, so it was really no decision at all for me; I can see where no strong feeling one way or the other leaves you swinging in the breeze.

Maybe you should look at it from the perspective of you don’t really want kids, you just wouldn’t mind horribly if you had them. Is that good enough to make a life-changing decision like that? Or maybe you and your wife should try being foster parents for a while or something, to sort of try on having kids. That might make it crystal clear for you, one way or the other.

56

If you’re not actively trying to have kids, I should think that a good hard pull every now and then would be fairly welcome. :wink:

57

My husband and I have been married almost 6 months and are both in our late 20s, and one of the (many) things we had in common when we met was the very strong desire on both of our parts NOT to have kids. We’d both ended decent-to-good relationships in the past with other people who wanted kids. It’s pretty painful to end a relationship with someone you care about and get along with but just disagree on the kid issue. Especially when you’re in your early-20s and it’s a far-off, somewhat nebulous topic. But making the decision to end those relationships made both of us realize how strongly we felt about remaining childless.

One question I have for the CBC folks here (if it’s ok with the OP to go off on a slight tangent… if not, I’ll go start my own thread): if you’re within child-bearing age, would you have a child if you accidentally got pregnant? We probably would not, but thinking about making that choice terrifies me.

58

Not a chance. I’m getting to where the childbearing years are starting to wane a bit, but this has never changed. Part of why I have no desire to be a parent is that I can’t stand the idea of being pregnant–it just goes so counter to my self-image (I’m a tomboy androgynous kind of person) that I would be utterly miserable throughout the entire process, not to mention loathing all the changes it would make to my body. So no, if an accident ever occurred (not likely, since the spouse is in the 18th year of his vasectomy and I’m strictly a monogamous type) I would have it taken care of at the earliest possible opportunity. The spouse knows this and even though he’s not quite as pro-choice as I am, he’s fine with it.

59

taxi, I’m pretty sure I would not. I mean, you never know what you’d do in the situation, but unless I do some crazy turnaround, I’d be looking up “abortion providers” as quickly as I could.

60

No, I wouldn’t.