Happy About Having Been Overprotected?

In My Humble Opinion
1

Personally I’m a laid-back type mom because, well, I’m old. And I have twins. And I used to read a lot of Erma Bombeck.

And when I was pregnant I asked all the mommies I could find for advice. Of course they were smart enough not to get into specifics - but one group of women I was dining with, who’d been friends since their kids were born, all nominated “Nina” as “The Best Mommy”. To which Nina stated “oh, yes, I am the best mommy” in her delightful British accent. So of course I asked for her secret - and she immediately said “If it doesn’t draw blood, let 'em do it.” Apparently Nina had helped her mommy friends stay calm at the playground while their children were climbing hither and swinging yon, pushing their boundaries and scaring their mothers half to death.

I like the well-intentioned, crunchy, liberal mommy boards (these women KNOW breastfeeding - they could get milk from a rock) except for one big flaw - so many of them are just as dogmatic and fearful of the outside world as the Conservative Christians from whom they’re fleeing! Homeschool this, No babysitters that, Preschool - forget it! Sling that baby and never let go!

It seems to me they’re trying to create a perfect all-natural, organic, more-liberal-than-thou bubble world for their children. No way they’d let their kids push boundaries, blood or no blood.

And I keep thinking - who writes the happy autobiographies?

I can’t think of any authors who’ve said “Gee, my Mommy protected me from the Big Bad World, kept me safe, gave me The Very Best of everything, and I’m doing great as a result!”

Anybody know of one?

2

http://abcnews.go.com/2020/Health/story?id=1237868&page=1
Discusses this exact topic. I have nothing else to add, my parents were pretty laid back.

3

I am not a parent, and so my input will be biased towards that end of the spectrum. I was married for a short time to a woman who had two little girls from a previous marriage, and came to think of them as my own, so I do have some experience on the matter.

I used to heavily resent being raised in an overprotective environment. I can look back now and realize that my parents had only my best interests in mind, and meant nothing but good by their actions, but in the end, I wish my upbringing had been a little different.

My ex-wife and I used to argue about how best to raise the girls, and it would usually end in my acquiescence because she was their mother and I was just the guy she married.

Lest you get the wrong idea, my parents weren’t total control freaks. They let me do all the things young boys like to do. In fact, I realize now that the 80’s (when I did most of my growing up–5 to 15) was a different time than it is now. A lot of the things my parents did allow (runs to the store that was 5 blocks away for milk at 8; playing unsupervised all over the neighborhood so long as I was back for dinner and by curfew; etc.) would probably turn a few heads nowadays. However, when it came to almost everything else, my environment was strictly censored.

Music I listened to was first listened to by my father to judge whether or not it was suitable (no cuss words, no sexual content, no “alternative” concepts being touted positively). As were movies and TV shows and video games. My friends had to pass my parents approval, and they weren’t above declaring that I could not hang out with certain people.

These things weren’t majorly limiting, as I didn’t really know what I might be missing, and I could find my own preferences later on in life (one thing they did do, that I appreciate immensely, is teach me to think for myself). The big things, in my mind, were things like being made to go to church and C.C.D. classes until I revolted vehemently, and a lack of discussion about things that happened around the world that left me rather naive about just how harsh the world could be.

When I was 14, a cousin moved up to NJ from Florida, and he had led a very different life than I. He took it upon himself to lambast the bubble I lived in and showed me things I had no idea even existed. While I grew up in a relatively poorer neighborhood with a diverse ethnic background, everyone there worked hard, respected one another, and tried at least marginally to foster a sense of community. My cousin convinced me to sneak out one night and visit him at his family’s room at the Alexander Hamilton Hotel in downtown Paterson, NJ. Within 10 minutes, my fragile world was shaken to the core by the people I met and the things I saw.

Prostitution, rampant drug use, gang violence, and extreme poverty were all foreign concepts to me, I had no basis for comparison. I can’t say that that one night turned me into a cynic, but it certainly helped lead me down that road and I was appalled at the time that my parent’s had sheltered me from this seedier, yet plentiful, side of the world.

I can look back now and recognize that they were only trying to protect me from the “bad” side of things, but even recognizing that, I firmly believe that you cannot hide that part of the world from your children. It paints an unfair picture in a child’s mind to only allow them to know about the sunny, butterflies on your head, streets paved with gold aspect of the world. I’ve often wondered how it is even possible for a parent to try to talk to their children about things like not taking candy from or accepting rides from strangers without getting into the reasons why.

Now, I’m not suggesting that one should submit their children to the horrors of the world… but I do think it is unhealthy to completely hide them from the truth. The hard part of being a parent is finding the line between protecting your children (as every parent wants to do) and exposing them to the realities. It’s a big part of why I am not a parent… I don’t know that I ever could, and I have nothing but respect for those that do.

All that being said, I don’t resent my parents for raising me the way they did now. I know that they were doing their best, and I think they did a pretty good job overall. If I could change anything though, it would be their conservative approach to inoculating me to life outside of the home.

4

I think the secret is in strategy of the mother from Malcom In The Middle. Kids are too dumb to know what’s good for them so you better show them, even if they hate you for it now. Of course don’t go overboard like the mother in the show, at some point the kid has to realize what you are doing is actually good for them.

Though from experience, the people I know that are still their parent’s bubble don’t seem to mind, but everyone outside the bubble (a place called reality) do. It is natural that almost everyone will try to burst the bubble.

If bubble kids are kept in a bubble their whole life, then that bubble becomes their reality and I think that if you can pull that off, then go for it. The trouble comes in when the kid’s bubble burst, which as soulmurk pointed out, is almost bound to happen. Then you have failed in your parental duties to prepare your child for adulthood.

I keep my cat in a bubble, because I know I can pull it off for the rest of his life. I see no reason to throw him out on the streets to show him the harsh realities of a feline. He will remain happy forever because no one else will burst his bubble and he will never have to learn how to survive in reality.

As for if kids that were raised in bubbles are happy about it? I doubt you will find one. Life is much harder if no one prepared you for it, but prepared you for something completely different. It’s like preparing a kid for the army but letting him watch MASH.

5

Yeah, this chick:

Brainwashed godbots aside, I don’t know of anyone else happy to have been overprotected. I myself often wish that my mother hadn’t sheltered me so much; it seems now like she was trying to present adults as people who didn’t swear, drink, lust (much less fuck, much much less before marriage), listen to music composed after 1975 (not that I’m regretting missing out on the '80’s), or drive over the speed limit (really!). Life would have been so much easier if I’d known what to expect, and I’ve always felt more immature than my peers.

The bad thing isn’t so much keeping your kids from the world, but misrepresenting the world to them.

6

I feel sorry for women like Jennie Chancey, because her “Godliness” means she has to rely on someone to take care of her for the rest of her life because she has chosen to block out the real world. If her husband dies, leaves, or loses his job, she’s not going to have the real-world skills to be able to take care of herself or her family. Even if she can earn money and pay bills and so forth, she’s probably so accustomed to her husband’s making all the decisions for her that she wouldn’t know what to do and is ripe to be taken advantage of.

I think a certain amount of independence is healthy.

Robin

7

I went to a private Christian school until 7th grade. It was a big shock when I was put into public school, and I didn’t get over it for years. (Before public school, I don’t think it had even crossed my mind that a kid my age could say a curse word!) I was bitter about my mom and grandmother keeping me so far from reality for so long and then (in my mind) throwing me to the wolves. When I asked Grandma about it, all she could say was, “I wish we could have kept you there forever.” :smack:

I was also “protected” from ever having to learn to do things like make phone calls, or pay for something at the store. I was afraid of learning how to drive, and I suppose it was easier on them to not teach me, so I didn’t learn that either. I got to be 21 years old before I finally got my license, and closer to 30 before I could make a phone call without having to psych myself up to it.

What I wish my parents had done, and what I’m trying to do with my own kids, is to let them experience life a little more and at the same time teach them the skills they need to handle it.

8

Oh, and did I mention that when I finally got free of my leash, I made spectacularly bad decisions? Even at the time that I was making them, I knew they were bad decisions. Thing is, I didn’t really know how bad “bad” was. Insofar as I was thinking anything, it was, “Well, I want to do this right now…I’m sure it’ll be okay. Let’s just see what happens.”

And I totally blame it on my parents!

Well, no. But I think if I’d been allowed to make smaller decisions earlier, I might have made smaller mistakes.

9

I think the answer is in the question. No, of course no one is happy about being “overprotected” that little “over” there precludes that. If it was “over-” then it was too much! If someone is happy about it, it’s because their parents were “supportive” and “always there for them”.

I regret not being protected quite enough in some areas and too protected in others. I regret having to cook, clean and keep house for my mother and I from age 6 onward because she was a working single mother. I regret knowing - or rather, *having *to know - how to change surgical dressings at the age of 8 after her surgery. I don’t think it was good for me to know how lonely and bitter she was. I was, in many ways, underprotected and forced to grow up way too fast.

OTOH, I was not allowed to go to friend’s houses much, was kept on a very short leash when it came to parties, boys, etc. and was harraunged for a 3.8 GPA because I “could do better.” I was essentially a good kid, but felt very controlled and overprotected, and rebelled as a result.

I think, rather than these two extremes being simultaneously present, one can and should find a middle ground that better serves everyone. I like Nina’s approach, but it does mandate a parent who will be around to offer kisses and condolences when little hearts are broken and feelings are sorted out. “If it doesn’t draw blood, let 'em do it,” needs to be modified a bit as they get older, of course to “If it doesn’t draw blood, create a pregnancy, spread disease or land someone in jail, let 'em do it.”

Could the AP mothers you’re dealing with be very young with very young children? I think they’re missing the second part of the AP screed, which is “(We give our babies the comfort and confidence that comes with constant physical and emotional support) so that they can then reach out into the world, explore and learn with less anxiety and fear, knowing that they can come back to us whenever they need us.” That second bit is hard to negotiate - lots of kids are ready to move further out than mom is ready for. I’m not an AP mom, but I can see the thought process behind that - if it’s carried out all the way. If you stop before the letting-go part, you’re going to screw up your kid just as much as the absent parent or the parent who throws the beer bash, passes around the joint and has sex with your boyfriend by the pool.

10

Would you believe I know her? (Well, not in real life, just on the web.) She runs her own pattern making business, and she’s pretty damned good, I’ll say. But yeah, I totally agree with you.

My parents have pretty much over-protected me, and just now, I’m trying to break free of the coccoon. I wasn’t overprotected in education and knowledge-my mother would let me read or watch or listen to anything I wanted. But she never let me go anywhere when I was little-I was twelve before she finally let me sleep over a friend’s house.

It’s become a pattern. She’s always trying to shield me, keep me from getting hurt, and as a result, I’ve made a right fuck up of my life. I’m not saying that I don’t bear responsibility-of course I do. I just wish she had allowed me to get HURT every once in a while, to trust something, to do something for myself, instead of having her come in and take over.

11

I saw her website, and hopefully, she’s doing okay at $15 a pop, plus shipping and handling.

But based on her writing, she’s so brainwashed (I can’t think of any other term for her, because this goes way over “overprotected”) by her parents and probably her husband that she doesn’t even know what’s in her own best interests. I mean, when her husband dies, she’s going to be lost.

I’ve met women like her. They are so totally submissive that when their husbands are no longer in the picture, they cannot function as independent entities. They need to be taught basic job skills and life skills like paying bills, making a budget, balancing a checkbook, everything. If they’re smart, they’ll learn. If they’re not, they set themselves up for all sorts of bad choices.

Robin

12

I could have written EmeraldGrue’s post, except scale it back to where nothing happened after 1955. My mother was incredibly sheltered. She had no concept of societal change. In some ways, she was living in her ideal movie from the 1940s, except it was the 1970s. But she was making us live in it, too. As soon as you went out the door, the world was a different place, but she’d have none of it. I suffered a lot of public ridicule and torment for having to be this fictional character my mother had invented. And when I got home and was trying desperately to be like other kids, I got private ridicule and torment and punishment. I was not allowed personhood. I can only thank my lucky stars that religion was not involved. When I busted out of that cage, boy, I made some spectacularly bad choices.

This is a big part of why I am not having any children. I can’t imagine what it must be like to have to explain child molestors and crack and AIDS and music about crime and drugs and prostitutes to children in their single digits, robbing them of the innocence of extreme youth. That’s probably worse than trying to raise them to be unaware that this kind of stuff exists.

13

Yes, I think you’re correct WhyNot (ironic name for that post, eh?) - young moms w/young kids trying to do it right. I admire their efforts - I couldn’t have parented at all during that time in my life - but I wish they had enough life experience to know it’s okay to chill out.

I also didn’t mean to imply that homeschooling = overprotective. There just seems to be a high correlation, given the other anxieties about which these women write.

14

I hear ya. At least she got to go to college. A lot of women (think the Duggar family) don’t even get that option, sadly.

I mean, if you want to stay at home, fine, but if something happens to your husband, what the hell do you do?