Happy Festivus: The airing of grievances 2009

We did it last year, and I’ve still got a lot of problems with you people, and now you’re gonna hear about it!

(Address the grievances to anyone in your life, preferably anonymously).

  1. When did you become such a hateful right-winger? You used to be a sensible moderate. Moving to South Carolina and consuming a steady diet of Fox News really can brainwash someone, I guess. Pity.

  2. Treat me like an adult for crying out loud. Im 34 years old, I have a wife and child; I’m not 11, not everything has to serve as a lesson to me.

  3. Your business didn’t fail because of the city, it failed because none of you owners felt it was important enough to work at it full time. You can’t have two part-time owners run a restaurant and expect it succeed. Plus, it helps to have a business plan. You’ve got a business degree, you should know this.

  4. You are way too controlling for anyone’s good. You don’t need to have your hands in every single activity and event at church. And just because you volunteer for everything, doesn’t entitle you to tell everyone how everything should be run.

  5. How do you, at the ages of 34 and 33, lose your second house to foreclosure? Dude, you make probably $20,000 more a year than I do and your wife works (most of the time). Oh wait, could it have anything to do with the fact that you go out to eat six nights a week, and your wife shops for new clothes every weekend? But still, to lose your house? And possibly your car (the one your mother co-signed for you)? When you’ve got kids who spent half of their lives dreaming about living in a house, not an apartment, this should’ve motivated you enough to learn better financial management.

  1. You people with your refusal to air grievances on Festivus. I grieve you.

Dad, like I know you love our children. I am happy that you do, really, but when I bring them over, you don’t have to let them monopolize you 100% of the time. You have a son here who would also like a little bit of your time, you know. Is that too much to ask?

Bob, you really need some help. You start drinking when you get up in the morning and spend the entire day drunk off your *ss. You are my friend and I worry you are going to drink yourself to death real soon.

Joey, get a hair cut!

Happy Festivus for the rest of us!

Driver on I-83, you have to know by now that the time to change lanes is not in the middle of heavy traffic. Furthermore, driving involves planning, which means that it’s really not appropriate to try to change from being at a standstill in the exit lane (!) to the next lane to your left, which would guarantee that you’d get hit had the drivers going the limit on 83 not been able to swerve to miss your sorry ass.

So you deserved the upraised middle finger I gave you. You should know, too, that I have never given anyone a spontaneous middle finger, so you’re special! Special in a short-bus way, but special nonetheless.

Why is it the more I give you the more you want? What’s uo with that? WHy are you never grateful for your blessed life?

This is all anonymous, even though I’m 99% sure none of these people read the boards…

  1. It isn’t always about you. When someone else is making choices about raising their children, it isn’t about you. When someone else is in the hospital, it isn’t about you. When someone else is worrying about losing his job, it isn’t about you. How about trying to grok this just once in your life? Say, some Thursday in February?

  2. You made the bed you’re now lying in. Many people would love to help you out, but we need you to understand that continuing your past behavior is just making the hole you’re in deeper. Stop it.

  3. I understand that certain people are asking too much of you. I understand that you feel you’re being taken advantage of. What I don’t understand is why you keep saying yes.

  4. You’re a cheapskate. No, seriously. When someone asks me what the English expensive “penny wise and pound foolish” means, I use your behavior as an example. I understand you grew up dirt poor and you’ve worked for everything you’ve got, and I admire that, I truly do – but you’re still a cheapskate. And you end up spending more money because you buy cheap crap that breaks and needs replaced. Try to learn when it pays in the long run to spend a little extra money up front.

  5. You give boring lectures. I mean, astoundingly boring lectures, lectures that would be more exciting if you just read from the textbook (and yes, I’ve had a class like that). What’s worse, you seem to understand that they’re boring. You look bored yourself. You sound bored. It doesn’t inspire confidence. Fortunately I shouldn’t have to listen to any more of your lectures, but dayum.

  6. I understand that your memory isn’t what it used to be, but you’ve been told about all kinds of memory aids, both high- and low-tech. USE. THEM.

Missed the edit window, but I realized I had one more to get off my chest:

  1. I sympathize that it’s hard to find even a lousy job right now. Still, your dreadlocks are not making it any easier. When you’re not even remotely Jamaican and you have that sort of hairstyle, it’s natural for prospective employers to assume either a) you’re a pothead or b) you don’t bathe. I know neither one is true, but I don’t have a job to offer you, you know? Try ditching the dreads and shaving, and see if it doesn’t help.

Brother – Abandoning and disowning your 80 year old mother is reprehensible. She was simply worried about the horrible decisions you where making.

Case in point - the crack whore that you met on the internet and asked to come live with you. YOU BOUGHT HER A ONE WAY PLANE TICKET. Yes, that was a bad decision. Surprise, you had to literally kick her out of your house.

That was one of SIX crazy women that you had come live in your, and our life. One right after another. After 8 years of this bullshit our mother finally spoke up. Suggesting that you might want to be a little bit more discriminating. Not every one that you meet on internet dating sites is the prize in the piñata.

So you disowned her. You abandoned her for being a Mom. You’re an ass of the highest degree.

  1. Leave me the hell alone. Don’t call, don’t send letters. Do NOT, for fuck’s sake, suggest that you might come out to visit. And while you’re at it, leave *both *of us alone. And if she contacts you, you just refer her right back to me, mkay? You’ve done enough damage to both of us, and you only make things worse, even when you try to help. *Especially *when you try to help. You don’t have to die; just keep the rest of your goddamn worthless life to yourself.

  2. Why can’t you listen to me, trust me, take my suggestions? You constantly express your disappointment with your own life and your inability to acheive your goals. And you wonder how I’m able to do the things I do. And yet you refuse to come to me for help, and when I do help, you refuse to believe that I have any idea what I’m talking about. When things are crappy, you accuse *me *of scheming to make things hard on you and trying to control you, and when things are good, you take me completely for granted. I’ve only ever helped you, I’ve supported you in things I thought were a bad idea because they were what you wanted, and pretty much everything good in your life right now, you owe to me and me alone. I know you know this, because you’ve admitted it when I asked what possible reason you could have for blaming me for anything. And beyond that, I know that the reason you blame me (and your job, and your church, and your friends, and everyone else in the goddamn world) is that you refuse to believe (though I think you know) that you have the mental and emotional problems you do, and will never admit that it might be you. And I know that you’ll never think to thank me, because you don’t think that way, and that’s fine. I’m not doing this for thanks, I’m doing this because, as I’ve told you time and time again, I love you and want you to be happy. But it would be awesome if you could try not fighting me every fucking step of the way.

I love you, son. But when you come to me to borrow money for an “emergency”, when you’ve been spending what you have on foolishness, I really can’t help you out. There’s a strategy called “saving” that you and your working spouse need to give a try.

My friend, being Jewish doesn’t mean having to be bitter.

Dear niece: please don’t ever send me another email like the one I just received with Ben Stein blathering on about religion. Your father is a right-wing nutjob, but you’re smarter than that. And it’s a surefire way to make me angry, as your mother must have warned you.

I got fed up with biting my tongue when people say “Merry Christmas” to me. So a day or two ago I started replying with “Thanks, and a happy new year to you too.”

Is this a good way of dealing with the situation? Should I get out my asshat? Or both?

ETA @ MsRobyn: Who the heck is going the speed limit on an interstate highway? :confused:

I know that I’m supposed to be your best friend, but guess what? You’re an ass. YOU ruined your marriage by cheating on your spouse (numerous times). YOU are ruining your relationship with your kids by ignoring them. Get over the pity party and don’t you EVER pull that passive-aggressive shit on me like you did last night again! Like you said, people tend to avoid toxic situations. That’s why I’m avoiding you right now. Fuck you, you’re not going to ruin MY holiday!

Fuck you truck. I finally get a couple of hundred dollars that I can afford to just blow on anything and I was going to put some of that on the credit card and buy some new movies and maybe a video game and you were all like, “What? He’s got money he’s just going to waste on himself? Well fuck that. I needs to get paid.” and then you broke down and I had to spend all my extra cash on you you selfish bastard.

I do. I go the speed limit everywhere, though.

You suck as a real estate agent (you keep getting sales jobs when you bother to work, and you keep sucking at them). Only your ego and your stubborn refusal to see the world as it is prevents you from realizing this, which I guess is why it came as such a life-shaking shock to you that we didn’t plan to use you as OUR real estate agent, when we needed to sell an odd house with an odd yard in a much-slower real estate market - we needed a professional, not a hobbyist. Creating a serious rift in our family over it is too much, though - you’re making everyone suffer for your ego and your willful ignorance. Get the fuck over yourself and grow up. You’re 50 years old, for Christ’s sake.

Oh, and for everyone who keeps saying, “He’s upset because you didn’t give him the courtesy of letting him know you weren’t going to use him,” go screw yourselves, too. First, our financial decisions are none of his goddamned business, and two, if we had done that, we’d be in exactly the same situation (or possibly worse), because he wouldn’t have let it go until he dragged it out of us that we weren’t using him because he’s incompetent. This is about his ego getting bruised, and the money of his lost commission - nothing else. He’s willing to create this much bad feeling for his ego and some money - he is not a good person. We owe him nothing.

Dear Aunt - we’re going to go to your house this evening and have a good time. Thank you once again for putting on a very nice Christmas Eve party - I really do appreciate it. This year I’ll appreciate it even more, since I’m bringing Pepto Bismol tablets with me to take when all the cigarette smoke in the house makes me nauseated like it does every year. A couple of cancers in the family aren’t enough to get all you addicts off the habit; I guess that was too much to expect. Maybe a death from smoking will convince the rest of you to either butt out or not force the non-smokers to breathe your toxins.

  1. Goddamn it, just shut the fuck up once in a while. Interior Monologue, not exterior.

  2. When I say something, I mean it. Don’t blow it off or diminish it, and then claim that I never told you what I have said several times, but you blew off.

  3. Everything you do for me, every bit of help you have ever offered me comes at a steep price, which is usually thrown in my face right about two thirds of the way through your assistance, at which point I’m in a bind if you walk away. Likewise, just because you have offered to help me and are currently doing so doesn’t give you the right to verbally abuse me, then stomp off in anger when I innocently defend myself.

  4. It isn’t the employee’s fault that management isn’t keeping up on it’s commitments to our clients. We can’t do what we don’t know about, which is because YOU didn’t bother to communicate those things to us and because YOU didn’t make an effort to enforce rules and procedures which YOU KNEW we would be audited on. That’s your ass, buddy, not ours. It’s only too bad that your bosses aren’t smart enough to call you out on it.

  5. I don’t give a flying blue fuck about your entitlement mentality. We don’t throw out the rules for you, the customer is not always right no matter how wrong he is, you aren’t entitled to treat us like shit because you’re the high holy “customer” and we’re not spending $1,000 to keep you as a customer over a transaction we made perhaps $40 original profit on. Go Fuck Yourself.

You sucked as a father, and you suck as a grandfather. Your only redeeming qualities were that you weren’t remiss on your financial obligations to your children, and you never abused us or our mom. You were a live-in absent parent, and you are much worse as a grandfather. Your work and life were always a priority above your children. You fucked with my psyche, and messed my view of family and parenthood. Thank Og for my husband, who restored my faith in men. It’s still your loss.

You don’t give gifts; you give obligations. You hand out indebtedness rather than presents. You’ve never had an altruistic thought in your life.

I wouldn’t accept a stick of gum from you.

I am really getting into the Festivus spirit now. Anybody got an aluminum pole?

I’m unwilling to provide an aluminum pole to someone standing right behind me.