Happy Festivus: The airing of the grievances

Ways people have disappointed me in the past year. Names left out to protect the innocent.

  1. You send me too much racist, ignorant chain email.
  2. You stink. Take a shower daily and wear deodorant.
  3. You voted for John McCain.
  4. You enjoy bland modern country music, but hate the great old classic Country ‘n’ Western.
  5. You spend too much time hunting, leaving your wife and two-year-old daughter alone far too often.

Feel free to air your own.

I got a lot of problems with you people!!

I have this episode permanently saved on my DVR strictly for viewing on this day. The wife and I shall watch it in about an hour or so :slight_smile:

Sadly, I have no grievances with you people. I am simply here for the Feats of Strength.

Thought of a few more people and some more grievances.

  1. I went out on a limb to hire you, and two months later you quit to go to law school despite telling me you had no plans to do so. Thanks a lot.
  2. Your non-stop questions and fretting and worrying really creates a lot of stress in my life.
  3. You create way too much drama in every situation you’re in.
  4. You need to get off your lazy butt and work. And when you ask for payment up front, you should not avoid actually doing the work for over a week.
  5. You got behind Hillary Clinton way too early in the primary season.
  6. You’ve created a hostile work enivronment for my wife. Lighten up.
  7. You don’t return my texts.
  8. You cry “wolf” too often when it comes to your job.
  9. You update your status on Facebook way too fucking much. No one cares where you ate lunch or when you take a dump or what noise your car is making today or whether you think of Rod Blagojevich will or won’t resign.
  10. Your anti-gay opinions disappoint me.

Here are my grievances, in no particular order:
[li]I know I’m lousy at housework, I don’t need it pointed out every time you come over. At least there are clean dishes in the kitchen and clean clothing in the drawers, folded or not. Also we don’t have vermin in the kitchen or piles of junk on the beds that remain there when it’s time to sleep. I know you know someone who does this, but that’s not me.[/li][li]You need to air out your bedroom.[/li][li]I know you’re busy, and would rather not intrude on your assignments. Still, it would be nice if you’d at least make a token effort to be civil to me when I come over to ask a question or give you a document (which is once a day, tops.) Am I that annoying?[/li][li]Sometimes I don’t feel like conversing about how cold it is or the volume of today’s traffic while I’m waiting for the bus. That is why I am wearing my iPod most of the time at the bus stop. Our fellow riders seem to respect that, and I wish you would too.[/li][li]Stop shitting on people’s beds and pissing in the tub. You know damn well where your litter box is. (This last one’s for the cat. She knows which one she is.)[/li][/ul]
OK, now I’m off to perform feats of strength.

1: Relatives, can you lay off the sudden death thing for a while? You’re starting to make me nervous.

2: Isidore (parrot), quit pulling my hair and begging me for food, then throwing it at me because it doesn’t meet your approval. I’m not running a restaurant here and if I were I’d kick you out.

3: Meteorologist, quit predicting storms that never materialize. This is quite confusing to the rest of us.

4: Thing living behind my bookshelf, it wasn’t wise of you to wake me up several nights in a row by scrabbling around back there. I suspect you are of the murine persuasion and have laid traps accordingly. If you are lucky, I will be in a good mood when you blunder across one and I will let you go far up in the hills where you can have fun dealing with the hawks and coyotes.

Can I play?

You’re my EX husband. As in no longer married to me. No, I don’t want you to come over on Christmas morning to spend quality time with me, your son, and my SO. I have a life, sorry if you don’t. I only agreed because your son guilted me into it. I swear I’m not doing this again next year.

That’s it. Thanks.

Thought of one more:

  1. Your kids are assholes. No social skills, rude, they play loud music and their drums until all hours of the night in your garage, while smoking massive amounts of weed. This past summer, they knew we were having a barbecue, and what time people were arriving, and they sat on their asses in front of me until people began arriving to start mowing your lawn. Get them under control.
  1. Your children are brats and so are you. Except for the baby. The baby is awesome beyond words. Don’t fuck him up with your bullshit histrionics. Also, you’d better stop playing the damsel-in-distress game if you plan on washing your hands of your abusive ex and being a successful single mom.

  2. Stop being a ho. You aren’t that good looking anyways, and it would be mighty embarrassing to have your name show up in a file on your brother’s desk. Really, we don’t need more criminals in the family. He has already had to recuse himself from TWO cases at work because it involved a family member somehow. Get some class. That goes for all y’all.

  3. You’re an embarrassing example of humanity, and every time I think I’ve seen the worst out of you you surprise me by digging deeper into your depravity. DIAF.

  1. The moment things look grim, you all bail. Thanks guys.

  2. I done all the hard work, spent the money on the activities and you guys? Greener pastures rear their head and you take off and try to pretend it’s all right and proper.

  3. And you? Ah I see…yup, I should not stand between you and your dream career. Then afterward mercilessly gloat at me at my choice to stay and not bail.

  4. You are wondering why I wouldn’t talk to you? Maybe that’s too much to hope. You only turn up when you need something from me. Fuck off. I am not giving hand-outs anymore

  5. You think you’re the only one who has a temper? When you don’t feel like coming, you just call off the appointment last minute? Who do you think you are?

  1. Half the reason that I retired when I did was to see your face when I dumped 2 huge projects on you so that you could try to live with your own insane estimates. You’ve never managed or designed a large system in your life and the idea that you can wave your hand and cut your senior staff’s estimates in half is adorable, if fucking ridiculous and stupid. The lead engineer and I have never been off by more than 10 percent. Are you having fun yet, bitch, or have all of my programmers come down with a sudden case of ‘I don’t know’ disease? They hate you too and you won’t even know when they’re bullshitting you. Have fun answering the the CAO and the Board when you’re a year late on both projects. BTW, they think you’re an incompetent bitch too and they all think that you fucked our director at your last job in order to get this one because it sure isn’t your abilities that got you there.

I can’t think of anyone else that I’m mad at.

  1. Learn my name. I have been married to your nephew for almost 14 years. Every time you call my by the wrong name, I correct you. He corrects you. You ignore both of us. I’m so fucking sorry I’m not Italian. Deal.
  1. I know you don’t have as much money as you would like. However, you’re not getting any of mine. Please stop turning every conversation around to what you need money for and how much you need. I am not stupid, I get the hint, I’m just not biting.

  2. I have a phone, you have the number. If you must come to visit me at home call before you come over. If this is impossible call me from the lobby instead of ringing my buzzer. I have told you many times that lots of people ring my buzzer due to the unfortunate accident of it being the top one and that I ignore it if I’m not expecting anyone. Call me, don’t ring the buzzer for 15 minutes straight.

  3. I’m sorry I missed a digit on your online form when I put in my credit card number, but please don’t make me fill in the whole damn form again.

  4. I know my sister-in-law is a whack job. She hasn’t lived with you in years. Divorce her, get legally separated, do SOMETHING official regarding custody or stop constantly bitching about how hard it is to get the kids for a visit when you want one.

  5. Before you call me screaming that I overcharged you by 500.00 bucks, READ the whole bill down to the last line where I credited you the $500.00…oh.

  6. Just because you get all the documents for your project to me by the end of day December 23rd, that doesn’t mean your going to get your proposal before Christmas. It’s not magic and it takes some time, if it could be done instantly you’d be able to do it yourself.

Okay, stop pissing on all of my stuff. I don’t spend too much time in this house, and yet inevitably the day after I arrive everything I brought is covered in your piss. No, sorry, those are NOT your clothes. Not your Ipod and oh god, not your calculator either! That thing is expensive, did you know that? And I really, really need it when I return to school. Do you know how much yarn I’ve thrown out because of you? Oh, right, yes you do. I’m fairly sure you just laugh when I find the scarf I was making for my mother marked as your territory. And if you must piss in my suitcase, would you have the decency to not to do it while I am looking at you, staring back at me with your devious squinty little eyes. While we’re at it, could you stop beating up your sister? She’s a really sad cat. If you’re around, you don’t let her use the frekkin litter box! She’s not allowed to eat, sleep or crap if you’re awake and in the house.

  1. Whoever you are with the same name as me: please tell your boss, your colleagues, your friends, and the people you do business with your real email address. I am sick of getting glurge/admonishments/stupid airheaded shit from all your friends/family/coworkers/dog groomer. The best is the shit I get from your boss. I think you’re gonna get fired soon, especially since you aren’t getting her emails and the ones I send her telling that I am, in fact, NOT a stylist and would rip the head off of anyone that said I had to wear heels for the Christmas party OR ELSE bounce back to me.

You couldn’t smooth a silk sheet with a prostitute if you-…

I forgot my train of thought.

This is all one coworker.

–We are in Kansas City. You have lived here your whole life (22yrs). It gets cold in the winter! We are cashiers and we stand in front of the exit door, where it is quite chilly. I must tell you that scrubs, ankle socks, and uninsulated plastic garden clogs aren’t really good winter gear. Everyone else at work manages to wear layers. I wish you would. I got you some nice thick socks, but I bet you won’t wear them.

–If you are scheduled from 9-3, please don’t leave at 2 because you have “stuff to do.”

–If you take your 45 minute lunch break on Saturday but decide to get your haircut at the salon across the street, don’t complain that it is a “white salon” not a “black salon” and as such doesn’t have the right kind of flat iron. Then please do not eat a messy BBQ sandwich at the register.

Supposedly all the cashiers are equal, but she has been there much longer than the rest of us, so she can get away with more. Mostly I get along with her, but some days…

Otherwise my coworkers are pretty good.

Also she does her community college homework at the register, and occasionally hides in the back office to do that, thus leaving a shortage of cashiers out front. Arg!

Just because we work out on the same days doesn’t mean we’re going to be buddies. Or even friendly. Kindly STFU.

Locker room wienie waggers. Wrap a towel around yourselves, fer crissakes. I mean, I know it’s the YMCA, but try a little subtlety.

To the varied people who have irritated me over the past year;

Do you think you could manage to show up at at least one family party and not be drunk? Or get drunk? It would also be great if you didn’t smack your lips and play with your false teeth. Also, wear a bra. You’re a big girl and you’re making me cry.

Dropping your pants and mooning the family after losing at Pictionary wasn’t cool. Telling all of your uncles to fuck off, including my husband? Also messed up. Stop it. You upset your grandparents, your brother, your girlfriend, and your mom. You have no regrets, but are hurting and embarrassing those closest to you. Stop and think about that for a minute the next time you decide to get drunk and out of control.

When you get financial aid, it’s to pay for your education. Just because you call Sallie Mae and they tell you that your loan went through for $3,500 for the term doesn’t mean you get that money. Your tuition gets paid for first and you get whatever is left over. Don’t yell at me, curse me, and then drop out of school mid-term because you thought you were getting a fat check. You very obviously had no intention of paying the school for the cost of your tuition, as you wanted to keep every penny and were outraged because the money from Sallie Mae went to the university instead of in your pocket. Good riddance.

Speaking of financial aid, why do all of you borrow so much? You are the people who borrow the maximum, take out as many private loans as possible, get refund checks every term for the excess amount, call me in the fin aid department every week to find out when your check is coming in, get poor grades, drop out or get kicked out, and default on your student loans. Enjoy that new I-Pod and the nice car. Do you like your new clothes? Great! You just put yourself into a debt that can’t be erased by bankruptcy.

Clean out your bedroom. I’m sick of the mess and the piles of clothes. Also, stop saying that you need more jeans. You have more than the rest of us put together.

Do it yourself. Stop asking other people to do certain parts of your job for you. That might be OK if you were working hard and really didn’t have the time, but you spend some of it on the phone making personal phone calls. Get your own data next time.

Honey your much bandied about knowledge about illegal drugs comes largely from doing drugs yourself. It also comes from hanging out with a drug using boyfriend. Stop making excuses for the cokehead. Stop chasing after the cokehead for an engagement ring. You have two small children with another man. Put their needs for a safe home above your need for a great lay. You’re a lousy parent and an even lousier person.

Hey temporary supervisor. I let off about thirty seconds of steam about company policies that suck and make my life difficult for stupid reasons. How dare you report me for, “creating a hostile work environment.” I was directing my ire at the company. I was not directing it at you. You are not the company. You’re just a temp like I am no matter how much you believe otherwise. Congratulations. You gave yourself something to do, something to justify a job that largely consists of supervising people who don’t need supervision. You’ve also made an enemy for life. I hope your nose turns permanently brown you ass kissing creep.

Dear SIL and BIL. I get it. You hate each other. Stop dragging out the divorce and settle already. You have four children together. Like it or not you’re stuck together for life. Stop insulting each other, wasting all your money on lawyers and grow the fuck up.