Happy Festivus: The airing of the grievances


1a. I do the heavy lift, schmoozing the customer, talking up “upgrade/replacement” of the outdated, barely functioning equipment that I’ve repaired over-and-over. Then I call you in once on a technical consult, and you take the sale?

1b. You then have the nerve to exclude me from the install of the new equipment I had the customer (my customer, by the way) 99% sold on?

  1. I have a nifty idea to solve another of my customer’s problems. You were sitting on your ass with nothing to do, so I let you in on my idea/brainstorming session. Next thing I know you’re building it and installing it.


Dad: I don’t care how many times other people have taken advantage of your generosity and mooched off of you, living in your home for months, years even. Clean your damned house! Living in a pigsty/garbage dump as “protection” from other people isn’t healthy; the ability to stand firm is.

Niece#1: You get what you settle for. I don’t care if you get your PhD in Public Health; you still married a bum who does nothing more than sit on his ass all day playing X-Box/Playstation/GameCube/Whatever. He doesn’t clean house, do laundry, pay bills, do yardwork, etc. He leaves all that for you, in addition to your full-time job and Doctoral studies.

He barely feeds/cleans/clothes the kids before dumping them on his Mom to babysit while he goes home and plays videogames all day long. He then attacks you and chokes you unconscious because the rest of the family pretty much thinks he’s worthless.

Niece#2: So, you dropped out of college to marry a nice guy from a nice family, have two beautiful little girls, the 3 Bedroom/2.5 bath/2 car garage home in the 'burbs, 2 dogs and a cat. How nice.

Now when are you going back to school? Your education is something that can never be taken from you, even in a divorce.

Niece#3: You dropped out of high school, started dating a twenty-something man at 15, are routinely doing drugs, have felony warrants out for your arrest, and now that you’re of age, are stripping/prostituting at a so-called “Gentleman’s Club.” And you want the inheritance your Grandmother left for you, on the condition that you completed High School? Ain’t gonna happen.

Sis: Your daughter is just like you were in your late-teens: a fun-time party girl. But you never exercised control over your kids, because some book you skimmed through 20 years ago told you not to. Good job.

Brother-in-law: I asked you for a lift to the city tow-yard to help me get my stolen car back. It was right on your way home. I called and arranged things around your schedule, offered to pay for gas, and throw in dinner for you and Sis.

And you act like I’m asking for a loan for a new car from you. Fuck it. I’m glad I took a cab; I wouldn’t be able to stand the “you-owe-me” attitude at every family gathering for the next 10 years without eventually putting my fist upside your face*.

  • I think I segued pretty seemlessly right into the “Feat of Strength” there.

If I set the table, and then I’m busy preparing dinner, don’t get pissy with me when you suddenly find you’ve wasted your time picking out knives and forks from the drawer because you didn’t bother to look at the table first. You say I should have told you I’d already set it, but I wasn’t paying attention to what you were doing when you were rummaging through the drawer, because I was busy preparing the dinner!!! It’s not like it’s unusual for me to set the table in advance.

Why am I the bad guy in this scenario? Why do you get to call me “careless” and “bad”?

My grievance is that this really oughta be a Pit thread!
(I’ll think of some less lame ones later. Maybe.)

  • To my Sister: You’re my blood relative and I love you, but I was NOT put on this Earth to pay your bills or be your personal secretary. If your ex-husband is so damned late with child support all the time, stop threatening to take him to court and DO IT! And stop asking me to help you to edit your resume; I’ve had the same job for 20 years and know nothing about your line of work, so I don’t have a f*ckin’ clue as to what a “good” resume should look like. You’ve got other relatives and friends who know a lot more about your profession than I ever will – stop asking me to be the sole answer to your problems!

  • To my Assisstant Coaches: when you two signed up to assist with my First LEGO League Robotics team, I thought you would actually ASSIST somehow. Instead, I’ve been carrying the team by myself all damned season. I explicitly made it clear back in September that you two should help the kids prepare the Research Project. I know I reminded you of this more than once. But instead of making sure the kids stayed on track, you two remained oblivious and the kids wasted months of work on something WHICH WAS UTTERLY USELESS! And what happens when we arrive at the local tournament? Three girls spent 30 minutes putting together a new “project” quite literally at the absolute last minute… and their proposed solution had absolutely nothing to do with reality. I was utterly embarrassed at what our poor kids were handing in, because you two couldn’t spend the time to even do the most basic supervision. I told you where I needed helped, and you ignored me for 3 months. Thanks loads.

  • To all friends, relatives and acquaintances who keeps asking me to fix their computer: TAKE A DAMNED NUMBER AND WAIT YOUR TURN!!! I’VE LITERALLY GOT PEOPLE LINING UP FOR HELP! And some of you could at least OFFER to “reimburse” me for my time and trouble. Yeah, I know that most of you are low on money… but you could at least offer to fix me a sandwich or buy me a soda!

I’m sure I got more… but that’ll do for now.

  1. Visit your grandmother you ingrates, she’s dying. I’m not even her blood relative and I’ve been by to see her more in the past week than you all have in the past month.

  2. Grow up, act like an adult. You so badly want to be a part of this family, you will step on anyone, and snark about anyone, and make others feel like shit just so you can get “in” with the “important” family members. You’re an immature brat. You’re not even in this family-- you’re a girlfriend-- so you don’t get to look down your nose at certain members-- blood relatives-- and then look around you for back-up from “your girls.” Your lack of self-esteem is showing.

  3. Give us a call once in a while. I know we don’t fit into the mold of your perfect people, but we’re also your family. Your attitude is hurting my wife.

*I do more work than that other coworker, and you completely favor her, even though she doesn’t do half the work that I do. Its bizarre and aggravating, and I’m going to get you demoted.
*You supported Obama over Clinton. Christ, you got lucky the economy got so horrible otherwise it would of been President McCain.

  • You may be lucky that your parents supported you in a worthless degree and you haven’t had a job in a year, and all you do is sit at home and play Sims 2, but it makes you BORING. And stop dumping me for other plans when you have nothing to do all day.
    *That woman who dressed in Christmas clothes and then argued with me on the price on the fragrance gift sets (she wanted them half off today, they didn’t go on sale until the next day). Seriously, you’re going to fight and haggle with me on Christmas day, while I’m working. Bitch.
  1. You forwared racist emails during the election, and acted like I was the bad guy for not finding the “jokes” funny. Stop it. And as I’ve asked repeatedly, if you feel that you must share the drivel with me, at least send it to my personal address, and not my work address.

  2. Stop whining at me about the election. Your guy ran a shitty campaign with a worse running mate and deservedly lost fair and square. I had nothing to do with it. Get over it.

  3. I know thank-you notes are too much to ask, but would a verbal “thanks” be fatal to your spawn? They’re almost teenagers, for crisssake, so they’re certainly capable of it. We all know they think of us as presents on legs, but could they just pretend for a minute? And instead of tossing presents aside to rip into the next one, you could try taking a close look. That jewelry box you probably broke when you threw it aside? There were earrings in there. You probably still don’t know that.

  4. “Crazy Dog” is not fun when the circle in which you must run crazily includes my upset stomach.

“14) You update your status on Facebook way too fucking much.”

Wait, what? Umm, is that even possible? OK, well, I know you couldn’t have been talking about me, anyway. My posts are always relevant, my attached articles always necessary and my albums commented on by many and diverse friends.


Oops, forgot smiley emoticon. Very important.

I understand that you’re very clever with Excel. I have heard from other people how you sneeringly remarked that you could easily do my job. So please tell me: why is it that you’re over at my desk every half hour, asking - and I’ll admit it, they’re intelligent - questions? I achieved my postion by finding solutions first, and then pitching them to my boss. Think you can do my job? Then start thinking independently about things don’t involve a spreadsheet. Half the time, your “shortcuts” chew up hours a day in tweaking and fine-tuning. Also, stop showing up late. Once a month I’ll barely notice, but twice a week is just too much, and always with one of two excuses: “I just woke up” or “I’ve got some errands to run.” Our uber-bosses feel you still have something to offer and that’s why you’ve been spared being laid off the last two times. I think you have something to offer, too – I just wish you’d offer it to another department and stop wasting my time.
To your little buddy, there: everything I said to the tall feller applies to you as well, except that in your case, I’m actively gunning to get you bounced. You waste far too much time chatting about yourself, and I can’t get behind what passes for humor with you. Slipping a drink to someone who’s in AA is funny? Oh, it was funny to YOU, not him? Well, that’s ok, then. Now go away. Far away.

Eleventy-twelve) You refuse to die so I can dance and piss on your grave at the same time.

I know I’m going to regret asking this, but what the heck is Festivus? Is it some cultural reference I’m missing, or is it some new, made up holiday? Why celebrate something by getting pissed off at someone?


Yeah, it’s kinda stupid, but much better than trampling a man to death.

You NEED to learn what a plural is and why it NEVER has an apostrophe before the S.

It really isn’t that hard to figure out, and it will actually save you the time and effort of putting that extra apostrophe in every word that happens to end in an S.

Plus you won’t look like a retard to every person who did manage to learn some basic grade-school level punctuation skills. It’s a win-win situation.

It’s. Contaction of “it is,” as in, “Yeah, it is kinda stupid…”

You need to learn what a contraction is, so you don’t look like a retard to every person who did manage to learn some basic grade-school level punctuation skills.

What are you talking about? The only place I used “it’s” in my comment was as a contraction of “it is” - and it’s completely grammatically correct in the place I used it. And I just used it again, correctly. It is a win-win situation: getting it right takes less effort.

I’m not even addressing your post. I’m addressing your fucking snark at mine.

blows whistle

throws a yellow card on the field

Take it to the Pit you two if you’re going to be Grammar Nazi’s ( :wink: )

Zat man vil learn his contractionz! (smacks thigh with riding crop) Zen, and only zen, vil ve get back to ze tread!

  1. Seriously, you have to attack each other over grammar squabbles in my nice holiday thread? No, you don’t.