Happy fucking Birthday, you shit-eating bastard!

The BBQ Pit
1

Or, an open letter to the world’s biggest ass…

Dear X,
I have recently been reminded by several people that today is your birthday. Which only seems to dredge up the fact that I LEFT YOUR ASS 6 years ago. Now, it would seem to me, that since we had such a horrible relationship, and you severely ruined my life for 2 years, that people would attempt to let me put you behind me. Apparently not.
Now, if you are purposefully getting people to remind me that it’s your birthday, which I think you are, then I make my birthday wish now. I wish you bleeding, painful hemmorhoids for all eternity, I wish you bloodsucking leeches on your balls, and I wish you to lose the ability to do the one thing you can do well, play drums.

For the past 6 years I have been trying to put your stupid ass behind me. But you constantly have your only “friend” in town reminding me of any little tidbit, or any piece of news.
For example, R. was the first person in town to tell me that you were dead. And yes, I was upset, and I didn’t sleep for 6 months, due to a recurring nightmare EVERY NIGHT that involved you. When I finally decide to get some help with this, suprise! You’re not dead, you just got R. to tell people that so they would quit threatening you. A word of advice? Don’t pull shit like that. It only makes the fine people of MY town madder.
You were a cock-sucking bastard when we were together, and now it seems you’ve only gotten worse. Wasn’t it enough that you beat the shit out of me? Wasn’t it enough that at one point I told you that I would rather kill myself than marry you? Right after I spent $200 on wedding invitations? (Since I was supporting your no-job-havin’ ass?)

I have spent the past 6 years trying to work every bit of you out of my system, and all you do is try to weasel your way back in, no matter how insignificantly. Well, I’m telling you right now, today is the last day that I will ever think about you, ever AGAIN. Yup, I will think of you today, but that’s it. And the only thing that I’m going to think about is the fact that Karma is going to come back and kick your ass so hard that you will never recover. And I will sit back and say, what goes around, comes around. And smile.
So, fuck off, you incorrigible, demented shitstain!
The best thing you ever had,
Skerri

**On a side note, thank you for letting me rant here. I have no way to get in touch with X, so I must be able to spew forth all this shit somewhere. If not, I’ll bust.

2

Skerri said:

That would be good, if you can do it. Because, as I’m sure you realize, if he (I’m assuming it’s a he and you’re a she, though the OP doesn’t make that perfectly clear) can make you froth at the mouth in this manner, then he’s accomplishing exactly what he wanted to.

3

Yes, it’s one of my favorite archetypes. Stop me if you’ve heard this one before:

  • Girl meets scumbag asshole

  • Girl somehow manages to look beyond abundant scumbag-asshole qualities to the “sensitive rebel hipster” (or whatever) beneath the obvious scumbag-asshole exterior

  • Girl soon finds out her scumbag asshole boyfriend was (Omigodyouguys!) actually a scumbag asshole all along

  • Girl complains at length to anyone who will listen about scumbag asshole

4

Yes, I agree with MysterEcks.

He’s just trying to see if you’re over him or not.
At the same time though, if he DID tell people to remind you that it’s his birthday, then he’s obviously not over you either.

5

So? It’s the pit, let her vent and stop being a scumbag asshole ok?

6

Ah, but venting is only part of the Pit. The other part is the peanut gallery ([Hogarth]Population: us[/Hogarth]) tossing peanuts into the vent stream. Styrofoam ones, to see them dance on the currents of hot air.

Those currents are changed by each handful of peanuts, both by responses and often by the fact that many of those handfuls are flung with the aid of another vent. It’s a chaotic system, and often deeper, beautiful things emerge when viewed from a distance. It’s sort of like a screensaver, only with words.