I pit you AGAIN, ex-girlfriend, for your poor execution of a poor concept.

The BBQ Pit
1

Happy New Year!

You all remember Happy Scrappy Hero Ex-Girlfriend (Wave for the crowd, HSHExGF!!).
History (paraphrased from the Happy Scrappy Archives of Angst, and expressed for your amusement as a {probably invalid} BASIC program):

10 PRINT “I love you.”
20 PRINT “Mommy and Daddy hate you, and have ordered me to leave you.”
30 PRINT “I’m leaving you.”
40 PRINT “I love you and I don’t care what Mommy and Daddy say. Let’s get back together.”
50 INPUT X
60 FOR X = “YES” GOTO 80
70 FOR X = “NO” GOTO 40
80 GOTO 20
So, we get to line 40 a bit earlier than usual, as in this October.

Apparently now I’m the most special thing in the world. Apparently the move, the life, the company, and whatever else you can name aren’t good enough and HSHExGF needs me in her life and is willing to work as hard as she can to let the good thing she neglected (me) know how sorry she is and how much she wants me back in her life.
(yes, yes, you all saw it coming, you’re all very smart, pat yourselves on the back)
Now, let’s assume that I don’t have a mountain of evidence to the contrary on this. Let’s spare the poor interns at the aforementioned **HSAoA ** the trouble of dragging up all the instances where she had an opportunity to put her money where her mouth was and did not. Let’s just look at the latest one.
New Year’s Eve. The Smithereens and Dramarama at the Starland Ballroom in Jersey (Happy Scrappy Sidenote: AWESOME show- will CS it if anyone likes). Midnight rolls around , and, a few minutes after, the text message function on my phone gives me an incoming message, from, of course, HSHExGF.

It says,

(drumroll)

“Happy New Year!”

(crickets)

(crickets)
(more crickets)

[morbid self-defense humor ON]

That’s IT?!?!?! That’s all I get? The same damn text you bulked everyone else? Where was the phone call you promised? I get the same text you send to everyone in your phone list? Come ON, now, you’re not even TRYING. I mean, I called the people I consider close to me. And, at the very least, I was decent enough to send a couple of UNIQUE texts to “inner fringe” friends, and the same generic one to the “outer fringe.”

Jeez. At least on Christmas I got “Merry Christmas [her nickname for me here]!”

Now, I just feel like the wife in that tired joke about the corporate exec who has his secretary send the same flowers/perfume set to her every damn year.

[morbid self-defense humor OFF]

*That’s why I pit thee, HSHExGF. I mean, why enter the race if you’re just going to phone in your performance? Either you’re faking sincerity or to you, that WAS sincere. *

Either way, it ain’t helping your cause. Not that much could, but this hurt. Your cause, that is, not me (really).

(did I answer the text, you ask? Oh, HELL no. Dramarama was playing. I was busy.)

2

Ever get the feeling you’re just an item on a checklist? I would have expected this before Thanksgiving so you’d feel obligated to buy her a Christmas gift. Perhaps she’s angling for a Valentine’s gift and/or date instead?

I had a similar call from my ex-wife after we divorced. “I miss you”. Oh really? You’re the one who ran off with a lawyer, not me. The separation was your idea, I just wanted the paperwork to reflect the reality of the situation. Now grow up. :rolleyes:

3

If you were over her and not likely to fall back into her arms, you would have deleted the message and forgot about it. Bringing it to the Pit means you still have some unresolved issues. Do you want to get back together?

4

Yeah, Pup, I’m with Homebrew on this one. While it’s obvious that she’s screwed up, it seems like you still haven’t resolved this issue either.

As I see it, you’ve got to stop spending emotional capital on her, or get used to the fact of her jumping in and out of your life on her schedule. Either way, your choice, but don’t be surprised or upset if she keeps this up as long as you let her. And I’m speaking from experience, from both sides of this issue.

5

Eh, while I agree that it’s clear Happy Scrappy is not over his ex to the point where her actions are meaningless to him, it sounds like he’s getting over her. He’s at that point where things that used to push his buttons now just make him shake his head. That’s normal – it takes time to become fully indifferent to people who used to hold center stage in your heart.

And besides, it’s a good story. After all that drama, to have this be his ex’s grand play back into his heart is pretty funny, in a pathetic sort of way. Plus, there was computer code. What’s not to love?

6

Well, of course I’ve still got unresolved issues.

Every time she comes back, she’s “learned her lesson,” and, every time, she seems to get a little bit closer to understanding what a loving and respectful relationship is. And before, every time, I believed her.

With the last breakup, she ran out of free passes.

The great thing about the Pit is that I can vent all this onto the Internet and not to her, because if she caught wind of it, it’d be more ammo for the next attempt.

I can admit whatever I want or however much I hurt to you guys. She has no idea about this site.

The important thing is that she doesn’t get another backdoor into my heart.

It’s fragile right now and she’d still have the ability to hurt it if she knew any of this, but it doesn’t do me any good to have it locked up.

She’s always done the bare minimum to get back in. Right now, she’d do me irreparable harm if we even considered the possibilites. So I don’t answer her text. She gets no “in.” Instead, I vent to you guys, who tell me all the harsh stuff I need to hear but can’t bring myself to tell myself.

Ain’t you all lucky? Ain’t da innerweb grand?

7

Hugs, the single life sucks. Getting yanked around by someone who has your heart in their hands, but can’t or won’t make up their minds? Agonizing. I hope your new year goes much better than this, and that you find dozens of nice young women to be with!

8

It definitely takes a while to reach true indifference. I’m pretty well over the guy who broke my heart last summer – as in, I didn’t respond to his last communication (an email). I was, however, unable to resist forwarding a copy of it to my best friend, with the following commentary (in its entirety):

Sounds like you’re on track for getting over her. Congratulations! I’ve been following the story and know how much pain she’s caused you.

9

You got to see Dramarama on NYE and you can find still find something to complain about?!

Jeez, spoiled much? :wink:

10

You know what works really well for getting you over a bad ex real quick? A new, improved girlfriend. Even if it’s just a rebound relationship, it gives you some perspective on how bad the old relationship was, and how you can do much better. It seems to just snap everything into place.

Are you looking at all? Do you think you’re ready to move on?

11

I very nearly Pitted John Easdale, to tell the truth.

Of course, they closed with “Anything Anything,” but ol’ John was a little too close to the mic when he said to the rest of the band, “I can’t believe we still have to do this.”

Ummmm, yeah, John, you still have to do that. You’ve got a few other records. I own them. I like them. But I’ll bet that, to three-fourths of the crowd, you’re that “Anything Anything” guy. Count your blessings and pray that more people think that than, “There’s the guy from the VH1 has-been show!”

I’m not all that mad at you, John, because you were nothing but nice to me after the show, and that makes me think it might have been tongue-in-cheek. But, much as I like you and your band, you’re getting booked on the legs of “Anything Anything.” Be happy about the gigs and maybe people will come for “Anything Anything,” see how much you ROCK (because you do, and you did NYE), and buy some of your records or go to a bigger show than the Starland. Because, no offense, John, but the Tragically Hip are a better band than Dramarama and they’d KILL for a hit in the US as big as “Anything Anything.”
Oh, and another Pit for the ex-girlfriend:

TEXT DURING THE BREAKS. You heartless monster. I’m trying to rock out to the Smithereens (the reason I WENT), to “House We Used to Live In,” a song I like a lot, and you’ve got me digging in my pocket for my damn phone, thinking it’s my sister or my family, and the payoff for missing some serious shout-along is your spam? Come ON. Maybe I’d be less ticked if the message were UNIQUE, but sweet mother fuck. I’ve never SEEN the Smithereens before, and you bother me with THAT? Bad form, kid, bad form.

featherlou:
I’m seeing someone new, and she’s sweet and gracious, and, most of all, understanding about how much I’ve been through.

It’s a source of guilt to me that she’s got to put up with all this, but she knew I was broken when we started seeing each other, and she is being patient and I am trying not to do anything that would cause her to rethink that patience.
Am I ready to move on?

I’m ready to be loved.

I’m trying to express caring emotions without flinching from expected backlash.
Is it working? We’ll see.

12

This line of code: 60 FOR X = “YES” GOTO 80 is unnecessary. You’ll get the same result and faster execution if you eliminate it.

13

Not if it’s a program based on my ex.

In fact, there should probably be more unnecessary and ridiculous inserts that confuse and trip you up.

(but thanks)

14

Were you expecting an emergency call from someone? Otherwise shut the damn phone off while you’re doing something that you don’t want interrupted. Simple. Can you block her number from your phone?

15

You know, the true brilliance of your code snippet is that it’s just print statements. There are no function calls, i.e. actions. Just text.

16

Okay, you’re seeing someone new, and she’s good, and it’s going well, and you haven’t cut your ex out of your life completely because…?

17

I forgot to mention that your new girlfriend is going to ask you that question sooner or later, and you’d better have a good answer (like children together or real estate owned jointly).

18

Why did you omit her nickname for you?

It’s poopiehead, isn’t it?

19

He omitted the nickname 'cause he knew we’d torture him endlessly with it.

20

I bet it was cute, though.