I’m still on friendly terms with one of my Ex’s (or was until the other day) Lets call her A We would hang out often and occasional still be intimate. She hasn’t been seeing anyone and neither have I. Recently I “met” a woman through an online personal. I’m mostly looking for new friends but I’m not against a relationship.
Let’s call this new woman B. I met her last weekend for the first time and we talked for two hours then we’ve E-mailed.
I didn’t tell my friend that I was talking online to someone because I didn’t want many people to know yet. Basically I told my best friend (male) (friend C) and a close friend of mine (female) (Friend D) that I was talking to someone and met her once.
So last night I invited her (B) to meet me at a bar about halfway between our locations and she agreed.
So after my job I was heading to the bar and got a text message from A wanting to know if I was going to karaoke at this other place. I said no I was going to another place. She said if she knew there was going to be karaoke there she would have gone. I was honest and said I didn’t tell you they were having karaoke because I didn’t want you to be there.
She got upset as I thought she would and said it’s a public place and she could go if she wanted but she had other plans.
So she text’s friend D asking her if I was meeting a girl and friend D asked her how did she know.
So now friend A is pissed at me, was crying and doesn’t want to go any place that I am. I admit I could have phrased my reply to her a little better than I did but I just wanted the time to hang out with someone to get to know them better.
So far I haven’t heard anything from friend A directly just through friend D.
So the question is Am I an asshole?
A) Yes you are an asshole
B) No you aren’t an asshole
C) I’m not sure
I’d say, well, perhaps not an asshole but it could have been handled better.
There’s no reason why she should be told all the details of any new relationship of yours, but once she actually contacted you, I think it would have been best to tell her the truth.
It doesn’t seem like you’re an asshole in regards to this situation. She is your ex, after all. Unless you have an agreement of exclusivity that you haven’t told us about, you should be allowed to see other people. But people are irrational about that kind of thing.
You may still be an asshole about other things, but how would I know?
Did you not tell Anne about Betty (I do much better with names than letters) because you wanted to hold Anne in reserve in case New Things don’t work out? If that’s why, you are indeed an asshole. Even if that wasn’t the reason, you could have been more diplomatic; “Sorry, I’m busy tonight, Anne. I’ve been talking with a nice lady online, and we have a date tonight.” It sounds like you let Anne have expectations that you had no intention of meeting, and her feelings got hurt. While “friends with benefits” are not the same as a girlfriend, they are still more than just friends.
How “ex” is she really, if you were ‘occasionally still intimate’? (I’m assuming that ‘were’ refers to the time period after she became your ex but before you met B)
Option A. When she asked you where you were going, you should have said you were going to meet someone.
I agree that you could have handled it better. Instead of emphasizing that you didn’t want to see her, you probably should have just said “Oh, sorry, I had some plans with another friend and she wanted to go there. Maybe I’ll catch up with you in the next day or two.”
Yes it refers to the time after we became Ex’s but before meeting B. We have been ex’s for about 4 years but if neither of us are involved with anyone we will make out at times. When she (A) texted me I had said that I was meeting some people from the internet there.
No Anne does not know about Betty. Donald and Corrie did know I was talking to someone and met that person once. Betty would E-mail me at work every day asking what I did the night before. If I wouldn’t answer because it was not her business to know she would E-mail me again asking if I got her E-mails. If I took off from work by calling in sick she would want to know why. She knew if I was out because I wouldn’t respond to the e-mails she sent me at work.
Nope no agreement of exclusivity between her and me. She knew all about my spending time with someone else that did not work out.
She hasn’t contacted me yet about this. When she does I am going to tell her the truth, that yes I did meet someone at the bar, no we are not dating but I do want to get to know her better.
If I had told her I had plans with another friend she would have asked who because she knows all my friends and is friends with them as well.
Based on the responses so far I could be jerkish in this situation but not a full fledged asshole. I think I can live with that.
Oh. Well in that case I’m going to have to significantly reduce your Asshole Quotient ;). “Because I didn’t want you there” is still pretty snarky though. I’d be fairly upset to get a response like that from any friend of mine. It sounds like you didn’t want her specifically (but any other friend of yours would have been fine) rather than that you wanted to spend time with just you and Betty and none of your other friends hanging around.
Thanks for that laugh I needed it. Tomorrow will be interesting. I am going out with my friend and his wife for her birthday (well she is my friend too) and A was supposed to be there because she is their fried too. I wonder if she will be there.
She’s e-mailing you demanding to know how you’ve been spending your time… and then e-mailing you about whether you got her e-mail if you don’t respond fast enough?
And you’ve met this person in real life once? That’s just a big ol’ ball of internet crazy waiting to happen.
As to the OP…
If you didn’t suspect Alice has the wrong idea about your relationship with her, you wouldn’t have tried to hide Betty from her. You’re an asshole.
