What is my crazy ex-girlfriend doing?

In My Humble Opinion
1

So the entirety of my relationship with this girl has been posted to this message board, so what’s one more thread?

Here’s the short version: I was friends with this girl (we’ll call her Francine) for many years before we decided to date. We dated for about 7 months when I found out that she’d cheated on me with a friend of mine. We broke up a couple months later. We tried to remain friends, but it was completely ridiculous and about 4 months ago, I decided I’d be better off just never talking to her again. Things have been pretty silent between her and I, which has been difficult since we share almost all of our friends.

Anyway, so on Thursday I was backing out of my driveway to go to work, when I see her running her dog up my sidewalk. I actually had to move my car off the driveway to let her pass. She didn’t even look in my direction, but I thought it was odd that she’d time her morning run to be by my house right as I was leaving for work. I mean, she knew exactly what time I left my house every morning… couldn’t she have altered her route or her time to avoid me?

But I thought it was an isolated thing. No harm, no foul and all that.

But the next night she came to my favorite establishment with a new guy.

Now, normally, I’d say “weird coincidence, these things happen”. But the thing is, this is a bar/restaurant where I’ve gone every single Friday night for the last 5 or 6 years. It’s my regular spot. It’s the one place I’m absolutely guaranteed to be at every week. I did this before I started dating Francine, while I dated her (sometimes with her), and have done ever since.

I don’t care she was there with a new guy… hell, I’ve been dating a new girl who is better than Francine in pretty much every way… but I’m annoyed that she’s intruding on MY THING. Why would she do this?

2

To fuck with your head. It appears to be working.

3

Either:

  1. She didn’t know, forgot, or was unaware.
  2. It’s a “look how much better I’m doing now- screw you”
  3. It’s a “see, other people find me desirable but they’re not as good as you- screw me.”

If it’s #1, forget her. Either she didn’t have the sense/sensitivity to take notice of your habits and is intruding on them because of that lack, in which case she’s not worth your notice, so forget her.

If it’s #2, forget her. You wouldn’t be with New Girl if she weren’t better for you than Francine, you’d be with some other New Girl who’d be better for you than Francine, so any attempt by Francine to make you feel bad that you’re not with Francine is, by definition, useless, so forget her. Unless you DO want to be with Francine. But remember, you broke up for a reason.

If it’s #3, forget her. Anybody that would be so pathetic as to try to hook you back like that isn’t worth spending the emotional capital on a relationship. Because she cheated on you, dude.
You broke up with this chick for a reason. And either she’s insensitive or trying to get to you.

If she’s insensitive, why let it get to you? You broke up for a reason- and that’s pretty much it.
If she’s trying to get to you, why let her? You broke up for a reason.
Can you spot the subliminal message in my post?

[sub]you broke up with her for a reason- stop spending emotional capital on her[/sub]

4

Yup. Couldn’t have said it better myself.

5

Yup, I totally agree, which is why I finally decided to not even waste the emotional capital on a friendship, much less another try at an actually relationship.

But how am I supposed to do that if she actively interrupts my life, running behind my car and showing up at my social things? I’m sure as hell not altering my Friday nights with my buddies just to avoid her.

6

I wouldn’t discount that both times were forgetfulness or coincidence. These things happen. They can happen twice, even. But they don’t happen three times.

See what happens next.

7

Don’t alter any part of your normal routine. If she pops up at your favorite bar, just ignore her. Go on as though she doesn’t exist. If you fret or stop going to these places then you are giving her attention she doesn’t deserve.
If that doesn’t work then this juvenile move may do the trick. The next time you and your new girlfriend are at “The Bar” and Crazy-Ex shows up with her boy toy, whisper something to your new and much better lady while glancing at the Crazy-Ex then you and Waaay Better Girlfriend start giggling and snorting. Then commence with ignoring Craaaazy Lady.
Childish yes, but I had to do that once with an ex who had “issues” and it worked. She and her new fling stormed out of the club before the band even started. Never saw her again after that.

8

Well the car thing is easy, because, aside from allowing her to pass, you don’t even have to acknowledge her. At social events, you can still completely ignore her. If she insists on joining your group or starting a conversation, just act like nothing is wrong. Don’t talk to her any more or less than you do now. She’ll lose interest eventually.

9

You’re overstating things a little. She ran by your house once and you saw her at a bar you like to go to. Whether she did those things on purpose or not, she didn’t “interrupt” your life. She came within your visual range a couple of times, that’s all. Those things are only going to be as intrusive as you want to make them.

I don’t know how old you are, but if you haven’t had a lot of experience with breakups it might help you to know that when you’re really over somebody, you’ll find that you’ll become completely indifferent to encounters like what you mentioned. You might literally not even notice them if they walk by. The fact that it still bothers you to see her (especially with another guy, I’m guessing) suggests that you haven’t completely moved on yet. You will.

As it stands, unless this girl tries to actively engage you in conversation or something, the best thing to do is just ignore her. She really isn’t hurting you. Your emotional responses are entirely self-generated at this point.

10

She’s being your crazy ex-girlfriend.

Now go read Happy Scrappy’s post again.
Now print it out and post it on your bathroom mirror and read it twice a day.

11

I agree with the first half of Chao’s post and all of ToS’s.

She’s not part of your life any more. She’s also free to go where she wants. But you don’t have to spend any emotional capital on her.

She shows up at your bar, go about your business. You don’t really pay attention to what the other random patrons do, so why bother worrying about her? That’s all she is now, after all.
Do NOT give her attention. Even negative attention. There is no such thing as negative attention when she’s trying to get a rise out of you.
While it is true that a man’s bar is his castle, and you keep your bar even if she takes everything else, it is not your job to defend your territory. The territory itself will do it for you. The bartenders won’t be as nice to her. The people she thought were happy to see her… will no longer be. It won’t be the same environment to Girl and New Boy as it was for Girl and you.

I know I’m painting with a broad brush here, but it is (I have found from working and hanging out in many bars) common enough to be a semi-truism that women tend to think that it was their personality and not their boyfriend’s business/local status that made them welcome at the bar. Without either of the latter, a woman is just another customer. And this is a letdown that will affect their ability to have fun there. Friday night she was “HEY! There’s wasson’s woman! Hey! Have a seat! How was your day? Still at Job X? Be right back with your drink of choice!” Saturday night she’s “What’ll it be? I’ll get to you in a minute after all these other customers.” All of a sudden, the bar is not the cool place to hang that it used to be. She’ll find another bar where either she or New Boy will define the mood. Because any bar where you define the mood won’t be as welcoming to her as a place where she’s a stranger.

In short- do NOT play her games. If she didn’t mean to bump into you, she will have realized you’re there and she’ll go elsewhere. If she came specifically for the purpose of encountering you, and you don’t facilitate an encounter, she’ll go elsewhere.
I remember a Friday night about 6 months after I broke up with She Who Cries. I went to my bar, the same bar I’d been spending my Fridays for 6 years at that point, to shoot pool and drink beer. In bursts She Who Cries, with her fiance. I knew he was her fiance because the kid paid an inordinate amount of attention to her when we were dating and because she was flashing around the world’s tiniest engagement ring like she was some low-rent Lil’ Jon. Up she went to try to collect hugs from all “our” (as in my) friends; met with a resounding “Yeah. Hi,” she hit the bar for a drink, all friendly smiles to the bartender. For the first time in her life, she had to wait her turn for a drink.

All of a sudden, it dawned on her that she wasn’t the superstar; this wasnt the triumphant return for which she had hoped. She dealt with it the same way she dealt with every problem. Bursting into tears, she dragged that poor sad bastard away from his attempts at tough-guy/“I win” eyes in my direction, and off they went.

Sometimes I wonder what happened to her. Eventually, you’ll wonder what happened to this one.

I’m not often right, but when I’m right, I’m right. And here, I’m right.

12

On being over her: I am over her. I’m completely over her. I thought bringing the new guy was distasteful and rude, but I wasn’t jealous about it.

But here’s the deal. And forgive me if it sounds like I’m being dramatic or weird about it.

We shared basically all of our friends. We’ve been one tight little group for nearly 10 years. When she cheated on me with one of my best friends, he was instantly “out” of the group. I haven’t talked to him since.

While we were trying to work things out, things between our group of friends remained basically the same (mostly because they had no idea what had happened or why Best Friend didn’t come around anymore). When we broke up, it all shattered.

Things in groups was awkward. When I got the New Girl, I couldn’t really bring her around if there was any possibility Francine would be there. Our mutual friends felt odd being around both of us at the same time, due to our… um… explosive ending. Conversation was forced and weird.

I decided to simply not show up where she was at anymore. I told all my friends this. So, I get invited to about half the stuff I used to get invited to.

So my relationship with Francine destroyed my social life. It ruined a 12 year friendship with one of my best friends and made things awkward between the rest of them. The 1 thing I have to fall back on is my Fridays at the pub with my buddies who were never involved with “that” group of friends… it’s my release, my time, pretty much the last of my “true” friends. And now she’s showing up with her new guy?

That’s what annoys me. If she’d just jogged by my house… no big deal. But that’s MY time, and she’s invading one of the only things left after she hit my life like an all-destroying hurricane of crap. I want her to leave that part alone.

13

I have bolded what I see as your sticking points- I might go so far as to call them mistakes.

Letting her keep your social group all to herself was a mistake. But that’s done.

Thinking that she is “invading” your life is also a mistake. She only is if you let her. And right now, you’re letting her. If, by her presence, she can do this to you, it’s because you’ve given her that power and you need to stop.
I’ve said essentially the same thing to you three times in the past few hours. Every response I make to you will essentially be a rehash of my first post. Every explanation you try to give has been and likely will continue to be an attempt to wriggle away from my directive to keep the power for yourself so that you can give it back to her.

Don’t do that. Do not give her power over you. You broke up for a reason and you should stop spending emotional capital on her.

14

She’s doing this stuff so you’ll notice her, and so you’ll notice that she’s “moved on”. And since she’s calculating her behavior to guarantee you’ll see how well she’s “moved on”, clearly she hasn’t.

So don’t chase her, but don’t ignore her either. Either one will satisfy her that she’s gotten to you. Treat her like she’s someone that you once knew but didn’t have any emotional attachment to. Acknowledge her presence if she plants herself in front of you, and nothing more.

15

I’ve actually agreed with everything you’ve said, particularly the part about emotional capital. I refuse to spend any more time or energy in dealing with her… so I cut her out of my life. Done.

I didn’t “give” her my social group. I simply bowed out of events I knew she’d be at. This was because I didn’t want to have to try to talk to her or, as others have mentioned, pretend she wasn’t even there.

I’m not arguing with you or trying to “wriggle out” of anything, whatever that means. To be honest, when I saw her at the pub my buddies and I cracked a couple jokes about her, the guy, wondered for about 20 seconds why she was there when she knew I’d be there, then went on to talk about people who don’t use their turn signals. It wasn’t a huge deal.

But I’m curious as to why she went seemingly out of her way to be around me 2 days in a row. The more I think about it, the more it bothers me. We don’t live in a small town… there’s a ton of places she could jog to or eat at on any given Friday night, yet she chose 2 places in a row where I was basically guaranteed to be? Weird and disrespectful.

Maybe I’m giving her “power”, but I don’t think being curious as to her motives is doing that, necessarily. As of now, I can’t see any reason for her showing up there on Friday as anything other than her invading. I’m not losing sleep over it, but I’m curious about why she’d do it.

16

I understand that Francine didn’t act very nicely, and you have some lingering anger about all the fall-out, but one thing you need to get right in your head - it isn’t your bar. It is the owner of the bar’s bar; you are a patron, just like Francine and her new boy. Sucks, but that’s the way it is.

And for the record, the opposite of love is indifference, not hate. It doesn’t sound like you’re quite there yet. Remember what your mom used to tell you when your sibling was bugging you? Just ignore her and she’ll go away.

17

Uh, no. A man’s home is his castle; the bar is a place where he and 50 other bozos drink and think is their castle, even though it was there before them and will probably be there after them.

It’s best to stop thinking of the bar as “your territory” or your “THING.” It isn’t, and her showing up there at will makes that pretty plain. I’m with the others who have said getting territorial about something you don’t truly have a unique right to plays into her hands. Ignore her, and the problems fixes itself. Either you’ll stop caring, or she’ll stop coming.

18

You guys are acting as if I yelled at her and kicked over chairs and threw a fit. We saw her walk in, she was a topic of conversation for close to a minute, and we moved on. I didn’t make eye contact with her, or nod at her, or tell her she was unwelcome.

But yes, I certainly feel that way. But as far as all the advice to “ignore her”… Um… is there some hidden meaning to that word I don’t know? Because that’s what I did. And what I’ve done for the past couple months. And yet she’s showing up… why?

19

Why do you care? Until she starts boiling a bunny in your kitchen, just leave it alone.

20

Exactly. I was quasi-stalked by a girl I dated very briefly and who (unfortunately) shared some of the same social circles as me. The key is not to give in to the demands for attention (positive attention or negative attention). You have to maintain a total, apathetic neutrality.

The girl I had dated seemed to need to parade new guys she was dating past me as if to prove how better off she was not dating me. My response was to show roughly the same emotional response I’d invest into getting my change back from the check-out girl at the grocery store. When I had to address her (she also got a job waiting tables at my favorite hang-out and I wa not gonna let her ruin that for me), it was with the kind of polite friendliness you use with a stranger on the bus “Oh, ma’am. You dropped your umbrella.” No more, no less. Wasn’t an ass, didn’t encourage her either.

Eventually, the lack of response got boring for her and she started quasi-stalking one of the guys she’d paraded past me instead.