We live 600 miles away from all of our family and only see them once or twice a year. My family is very different from my husband’s. We’re more quiet and let people have their space, they’re more talkative and in your face. I have, over the 27 years I’ve known them, made a lot of effort to be more talkative when around them and , I thought, had finally gotten to a point where I enjoyed staying at my SIL’s house with all the noise and activity. I want to be more social.
I thought I was doing OK until a while ago she said I was hard to be around and difficult to talk to. I also was accused of hiding away from people when I’m over there. The only time I’ve ever hidden is when I was staying there while my mom was dying and I needed alone time not three people attacking me about how my sisters and I were handling everything about the whole thing wrong. I also try to give them space while I’m a house guest because I know it’s hard to have different people around all the time. I try to not make a mess and I try to help with things in a useful way. I don’t know what else to do.
Did I mention that they drink a lot for every social occasion and when they’re drinking they never let anyone get a word in edgewise in any conversation. So, really I gave up trying to talk to most of them while they’re drinking. I listen and am interested in what they say because they usually have funny stories but I really have nothing to contribute.
So now we’re supposed to go for three days after Christmas and I have no desire to go. It’s causing me a lot of anxiety and is sucking all the fun out of my whole December. I would almost do anything to not have to go. My husband fell in the garage and I was actually hoping he broke his wrist so we wouldn’t have to go. My son just coughed and in the back of my mind was that he might be too sick to go by then. I really don’t want anyone sick or injured. I just don’t want to go. I hope someone steals our van. Fat chance, I bet only one car was stolen from our town last year.
If it was me, I would go and prepare myself by resolving to just be comfortably myself, and try to have a good time. I think if you focus on being friendly and approachable - this includes some body language, mainly carrying myself in a relaxed way and being engaged in the conversation around me - and observing the social niceties (politeness, reciprocating conversation) you’re fulfilling your obligations to the family.
You might also redefine what success means in this situation. This is something I do a lot and mainly means lowering your expectations for yourself so you can relax and enjoy yourself. You don’t have to be what your sister in law wants you to be or like their family, you really just *need *to not purposefully hurt anyone physically or emotionally and not burn the house down, you know? The point is to enjoy yourself, period.
And frankly, unless you solicited your sister in law’s opinion, I think it was out of line for her to insult you out of the blue like that. Just do your best within the limits of your personality and comfort zone. That’s all anyone can do.
I think your SIL is a jerk. I also think you shouldn’t go if you don’t want to. Perhaps you should discuss it with your husband as to why you don’t wish to go. He is the one that should be reining in your rude SIL and trying to make you feel comfortable.
Your SIL was rude. There is nothing wrong with you being you, and from what you’ve said, there’s nothing wrong with the way you are.
Do your best to relax, enjoy what you can, and ignore the rest. You don’t have to be anything you don’t want to be, just because somebody else isn’t you.
And if she says anything again, I think you’re perfectly justified to tell her you think you’re just fine the way you are.
I didn’t go over the summer for this reason but I feel obligated to go since my kids want me to and we have the extra exchange student going along (and our new dog).
I don’t know why she said it. It was rude. I was really starting to feel like I could be myself, socialize and enjoy myself, now I can’t. I think his whole family thinks about me this way, I’m sure they talk about it all the time because I’ve heard them talk about other people in the family who aren’t just like them. He has one sister who isn’t around much but I think she’s a little more accepting of differences in people.
My husband is totally on my side except he doesn’t think that comment meant she doesn’t really want me around. Maybe it doesn’t.
Help me wish for a huge Lake MI snowstorm on Friday and Saturday.
Get yourself a digital voice recorder and record a bunch of holiday greetings and comments about how beauiful their place is, how delicious the food is, and how good their taste in presents is.
Play it non-stop while your there. Repeat over and over.
Don’t play the game. Be who you are.
If you really truly feel like being snarky next time she says you’re difficult to talk to, you could say;
“I don’t know, you don’t seem to have any problem talking AT me…”
Of course, that opens to the door to a whole lot of things, but in that process, you would at least have the chance to say how you’re a lot quieter of an individual, you’re happy being that way, and that the reason you made that comment is that you sometimes find it difficult to get a word in edgewise in conversations with her.
Of course, that is a bit of a jerky thing to do, but if it’s really bothering you…
Give yourself a vacation and just flat out refuse to go; send your husband and son (son is optional) but just stay home yourself. Your husband can tell them they will be lucky if they ever see you again and if they do, you plan on remaining as silent as possible.
Thanks for all your support and rude comment ideas!
Well, my husband is going to be mad at me if I don’t go so I will just go and try to forget she ever said anything and try to reclaim my previous comfort level at the house. My mother in law lives with my SIL so I really don’t want to hurt her feelings by not going and it wouldn’t be fair to not give her a chance to see the kids. We already have talked about how we won’t go back much once she’s gone.
I’m not going to be rude to her, that would only give her more reasons to criticize me.
Last time I was home, a different SIL made a super rude comment about my new nose piercing. My friend and I had gotten our noses pierced for fun. I had wanted one since high school and she had been thinking about it as well. My MIL thought it was so cool and pointed it out to SIL 2 and asked what she thought. I didn’t say anything. I didn’t want anyone to notice but I couldn’t take it out at that time. SIL 2 didn’t say anything and MIL kept asking her so finally SIL 2 said “I think people who do things like that are just looking for attention so I refuse to give it to them”. Whatever. If she knew me at all she knows I don’t want any extra attention from anyone.
So, it will be entertaining to see what kind of comments they can make this time.
It might be hard not to burn the house down. Maybe I can just overflow a toilet or something.
Perhaps you can turn it into a game? Assign points for each rude comment a SIL makes to you, and when you turn some corner (10 points? a hundred?) yell out, “Bingo!”
I feel for you. My family is a bit like your in laws; we jabber a lot, and it’s hard to get a word in edgewise with us. But I don’t think we’re rude, and in fact we like the quiet ones – they make a better audience! Good luck surviving the holiday…
She could be an asshole who doesn’t want you there, but the chances are that she just says socially retarded stuff and this one slipped out. People who have diarrhea of the mouth can be inclined to make stupid pronouncements out of nowhere.
It can be irritating to deal with, especially if you are a sensitive person and inclined to try to make guests and friends feel very comfortable yourself. I would take some deep breaths when she’s around, be as pleasant as you can and set about engaging other people. That way if she says this stuff again other people will chime in that she’s full of shit and SP2263 was perfectly amiable.
Showing up these types of morons and having them contradicted by others is often the sweetest revenge.
I’m sorry-I didn’t read the part about your nosering. I was recently given the best advice on passive-aggressive bitches-a) Snicker at them. No one likes being snickered at repeatedly. b) Kind of stop halfway, open your eyes, and act all surprised like “ohmygod, you really mean this socially stupid/passive aggressive statement you just made?” Then start snickering again-this time it’s clear you’re laughing because they’re morons.
No one can fault people for giggling. It just makes people uncomfortable and they stop trying to pick on you. I’ve actually watched one of my co-workers employ this strategy for the last 4 years but never realised I could make use of it myself until I recently had to meet on of my bf’s oldest friends who is an intolerable passive aggressive bitch to me. I solicited some advice, one of my friends came up with that and I decided to go with it as I remembered how well it works for my friend at work.
In short-they are looking for a reaction from you. Give them one that isn’t off-the-wall (ie, makes you look crazy, like yelling out random words) but isn’t the one they want (for you to be upset and withdraw further). You may have to practice some deep breathing to learn to take control of your moods and your brain’s desire to flush your body with upsettedness adrenaline.
I am not a naturally passive aggressive person and this type of behaviour/sarcasm tends to easily upset me. Recently I’ve decided to beat these types of bitches at their own game and I assure you it is way more satisfying than withdrawing.
Your other option is to come up with witty retorts but know that they can go horribly awry without the right delivery and/or you may suffer from that disease where you come up with the best retorts hours later.
Hey, now I’m actually almost looking forward to going.
I don’t think I can do the snicker, it’s hard for me to laugh when I don’t mean it. Usually I go for the emotionless brief stare and totally not acknowledge whatever is said.
That time I asked her if she dyed her hair or had pierced ears to get attention.
To hell with them, be yourself, do what you enjoy, and if they don’t like it, so what. The SIL who said this is rude and has little to zero self awareness. If she says something to that effect again, remind her that she does not have to around you, or there at all for that matter, and she can just leave if it bothers her that much. Or simply ask her out loud if she knows how stupid she sounds everytime she opens her mouth in a humorous way.
Many times, people like that are just the family bully that everyone puts up with. Usually once they are called out a bit, everyone joins in the roasting of them. YMMV of course, but that is how it works in my loud family.
Your SIL is definitely a bully, no doubt in my mind. She’s looking for the attention and using you to get it.
The best strategy is shame, honestly. A bully works with an audience, your goal is to turn the audience to your side. By saying “you’re difficult,” or “you just want attention” in her snide ways, she is steering the audience, the rest of the family, to agree with her. For comments such as the nose ring incident, I would respond with completely shocked honesty. Miss Manners approves of this as well. Something like “Oh wow, that was really rude and insulting, why would you say such a thing!”
There’s an ‘out’ there where the bully can respond and back off by saying they didn’t mean to insult, but now the audience is thinking “yeah, that was pretty rude and insulting.”
Calling a bully out is sometimes the only option. Don’t defend yourself or strike back with equal snark, that’s the kind of reaction that furthers the bullying.
I’m going to try to be fair to the SIL by not assuming that she was trying to be a mean little snot. It mostly sounds like you just have incompatible lifestyles.
For example, I have a co-worker here whose idea of fun is clubbing. My girlfriend and I can’t stand that scene. Co-worker’s idea of a splendid holiday: a cruise! We think “cruise” = “floating prison”. We got to farm sit and work in the organic veggie fields for a week and we thought it was FUN! She was horrified that as house-sitters we were expected to do labor, get dirty, and shovel animal poo.
When one office Christmas party, we got stuck at the same table… I can honestly say we probably mutually thought “Wow, this person is impossible to talk to and a chore to be around.”
Not because any of us are bad people or dislike each other, we just have extremely different lifestyles and finding any kind of common ground to relate to each other is nigh impossible! We had absolutely nothing to talk about, but nothing really to argue about either.
Sounds like the SIL is a boisterous social drinker, who has set expectations of what “social” means according to her general scene, and the OP is incongruous with that. The SIL feels awkward and unable to relate. She’d probably think my girlfriend and I were equally weird because we’re chatty.
So I wouldn’t refuse to go in a snit, I would be as cordial as possible and just let the SIL feel awkward. It’s her problem, not the OP’s.
Yeah, SIL 1 didn’t say it to be rude. We are just very different and I am uncomfortable around extremely social people because I do wish I was a little more relaxed in large crowds.
SIL 2 I have no idea what was up with the nose ring comment. That was just crazy.
As a quiet person myself it took me a long long time to understand that I’m just fine the way I am and that my idea of entertainment is mutually incompatible with a lot of what general society says is an interesting thing to do and that’s OK.
“Fun? I sense an ideology to which I’m unwilling to submit”
Don’t know who said that but whoever it was was a very wise person.
I’m not sure what the problem is with some loud and boisterous people when they come into contact with a quiet person. Its almost as if they have to validate their own behaviour or something.
