Time is the biggest healer but I still feel resentment towards my fmaily. You have to make a conscious effort to stop it, though. When it comes up you have to distract yourself away from the thoughts, and don’t dwell.
Try saying (out loud, or not) “I now hand over to the universe all that no longer serves me” and see how you feel.
If you like what it does, keep saying it.
No. I haven’t gone the route of therapy though. I guess I might benefit from it. But as it is, I just try to distract myself from it as much as possible… which works when I’m involved in something fun (like online gaming) but tends to fail when I’m doing mindless repetitive tasks (at my job) or trying to fall asleep.
Forgiveness is a powerful remedy. So are SSRIs.
The emotions you describe can inject powerful drugs into your body, and in my decidedly unprofessional opinion, they can be wielded in the same manner that an addict wields a hypodermic needle. You return to those emotions because they give you something that your body has come to expect. You might not even like it, but you expect it nonetheless. It is a difficult problem.
Think about forgiveness.
Al-Anon could be a useful resource for you. It is made up of people who have been struggling with rage and bitterness toward someone who is or was in their lives. Typically, that person is or was a substance abuser, but Al-Anon’s guidance is applicable to managing feelings generated by any sort of toxic relationship.
12-step groups are not for everyone, but if you’ve never been to one and you’re hurting, it could be worth it for you to give one a try.
I mentioned something at http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showpost.php?p=13491863&postcount=62
I grew up in a small city in Bosnia but I was lucky that my dad who grew up in and post WW2 and went through hell to provide for us insisted on education and knowledge. So, his first born son graduated medical school and became an MD – first in our part of the city and first in an extended family (to this day the only one). He was handsome and smart, good mannered and always polite. His teachers throughout his education only had best words for him, our neighbours loved him, he was good in anything he wanted to do (at 17 he actually made it into local soccer team), he listened to best music, he knew what was going on in Europe and the world. He was all around great person and people enjoyed to be around him. As he started working at a city clinic in a society defined by corruption he never took nor expected any under-the-table payments for his work, his work ethic resembled that of his dad and his approach to people based on his mother`s reverence for moral stand and religion. In the late 1980-ies as former Yugoslavia crumbled he was called upon as the brightest of Bosniaks to join democratic process to which he hoped to bring his vision of just and fair society. In 1991 he was scheduled to begin his neuro-surgeon specialization in Swiss but the war started in Croatia and he felt that he needs to be home. He got married and had a daughter but the life around became complicated and dangerous. He just could not believe it would take the turn in took.
In May of 1992 Bosnian Serbs assisted by the JNA and large number of Serbs from Serbia invaded our city and took him as a part of effort to wipe out Bosniaks who were intellectuals and honoured citizens. In August of 1992, along with about 200 others, he was shot with two bullets on the back of the head and dropped into abandoned mine. He was found and identified in 2003.
He was my 8 years older brother who was not only my brother but my idol, someone who brought best in me, someone I looked up, someone I wanted to impress, someone I wanted to be, someone who made my life meaningful.
You don’t recover from this - on your own or with help. It`s like part of your body is being torn and you go around every day with that feeling that something is missing. I have my own family now and no longer feel intense bitterness and anger as I used to and I am now okay with the way I have to live this life.
And I’m not sure that I can get rid of it but I can use it to become better person every day in memory of him.
I’m still working on this. The girl at work who told me she loved me, then without saying anything ripped out my heart and stomped on it, conducting an at-first adulterous but not subtle relationship, and then an out-in-the-open relationship, with someone else in the company, all in front of me for several months, has damaged me badly.
The feelings of insecurity and jealousy I now experience are disabling.
It keeps recurring, too. I go through microcosms of what happened to me back in '08. Get a zany crush on an unsuitable girl, then get knuckle-bitingly jealous - usually with no grounds either. (Thankfully I’m not mad enough to act on these feelings.)
This has happened three or four times since my bad experience three years ago. The most recent of which, the entire gamut of emotions occurred in the course of the same week. And I’m in a steady relationship and would never do anything about it! It’s driving me slowly nuts.
Each crush is like I’m adding to a growing collection of pain. And the crush is only alleviated by the next one coming along - but the total pain keeps on increasing.
I’ve had CBT but it hasn’t really helped.
I did it.
Last time I was going through a rough spot, I was lucky enough to be able to identify the feelings and choose to deal with them
Two resources really helped me: Feeling Good and The How of Happiness. A lot of the work was done through a journal.
Feeling good did wonders for me being able to identify what was going on in my thought cycle (i.e. repetative negative thoughts) and figure out what to do with them. I had a lot of success with, every time I found myself dwelling on something, shouting “No” in my head and forcing myself to think about something else. It took discipline, but it worked. Then, later, i went through in a journal and worked through the thoughts using ideas from Feeling Good.
The How of Happiness essentially presents a series of mood maintenance exercises and some scientific background behind them. Using my journal, I introduced some of the ideas into my daily life. I can’t point to specific benefits like I can with Feeling Good, but I did find a lot of them contributed to a general uplift in mood, and I still use them now and then.
Besides my journal, I used running and yoga to work out the most intense anger. I also began a small meditation routine. One thing i found especially helpful were Andrew Johnson’s self-hypnosis iPhone apps. Woo or not, they’ve helped me get the best sleep of my life and have greatly improved my relaxation.
Anyway, it took work, discipline and a lot of effort, but I worked through the anger and bitteress, and came out improved for it. On the way, I found a deep commitment to integrity and a much more useful outlook on life. Things have changed a lot, and I am now much better able to make use of the opportunities in front of me, and am in the most emotionally stable stage of my life. It’s good!
Yes, all those feelings have a root in your past many times from childhood or even infancy. That issue has to be rooted out. Then takes a act of free will on your part to change your reaction to that event, which changes everything else along that same line. Sometimes, oftentimes it is forgiveness.
There is always a way to find the root, though it may take time to do so, and it can only be rooted out when you are ready to let it go.
Ultimately the root may be against God, perhaps in all cases, but it will be needed to folow the path to forgive Him and you.
Good luck
I was very angry for a very long time. A couple of things that helped me overcome this were first; the realization that the person who stole my childhood did not have my permission to take my adulthood as well, to continue to dwell on the old hurt let him retain his power over a part of me. And secondly; I read some amazing and inspiring things from Pema Chodron, specifically Practicing Peace in Times of War. Learning to let go and not grasp the old anger, learning to sit with my feelings and acknowledge them, and then learn a new way of approaching “negative” emotions.
I’m happier and more healthy now, it’s a great day when you wake up and find those old feelings have lost their power.
I am by no means perfect, but I’ve done a lot of work in my own life along similar lines and, hopefully, some of my results can be helpful to you. I’ll try to order them in the way that I learned them because I think they sort of build on eachother. Some of them are parallel though, so… I dunno
- I think the largest issue is one that has permeated our culture and really just makes things worse. The one that I found made the biggest difference was realizing that there’s no such thing as a positive or negative emotion. What gives that perception is how people tend to react to them, in that emotions that are commonly perceived as positive will usually result in or result from good actions, and the opposite for commonly perceived negative emotions. However, when one really examines them closely, it’s quite easy to come up with counter-examples. For example, happiness is often seen as positive, but there are plenty of actions that make people happy but are really negative, like addictions. Similarly, anger is often seen as negative, but it can easily result in positive action, like inspiring one to fight against an injustice.
The lesson to be learned here is two-fold. First, that there’s nothing wrong with being angry, sad, or any number of other emotions, but rather, to realize it is simply a state that is part of the human experience. If you realize this, one can channel those feelings toward the greater good and, interestingly enough, even find those formerly perceived negative emotions as neutral, at worst, and positive at best. Second, realizing that things like happiness and excitement aren’t always positive things teaches us not to pursue those emotions as an end in and of themselves, as that doesn’t necessarily lead to the greater good, but rather to thoroughly enjoy them when they do result from the greater good.
2) There is also a common perception that when issues arise with our interactions with others, particularly from the actions, or sometimes inactions, of others, that it is inherently their fault. True, this is sometimes the case, but it often is not and, more importantly, even when it is, it’s almost never helpful. Remember, no matter how hard you try, you can never change someone else, but you CAN change yourself, how you perceive the actions of others, and how you react to them.
The lesson here is actually fairly simple. We can identify these actions by other people, and see how they effect us. Once we identify them and really experience how they effect us, we can start to understand why we react the way we do and how we can react differently. As an example, imagine that it bothers you when people are late. Nothing you can do can stop everyone in your life from being late ever again. Instead, we can identify what aspects of being late is what most affects us, whether it’s perceived inconsideration, whimsicalness, or whatever. We can then quickly see that this isn’t an issue with that particular action, but with that perception.
3) Make an effort to understand the motivations of people. It’s easy to accidentally assign false motives to people. When we’re hurt, without the context of the above, it’s easier to assume a malicious motive. Once we realize that a majority of the times we’re hurt by others aren’t because of malice, but because of a good intention gone wrong, or a misplaced motive based on their own misperceptions, it becomes a lot easier to understand and accept the actions of others and forgive them.
The lesson here is, quite simply, never to assume a malicious motive unless no other motive suffices. I’ve found this made dealing with difficult people SO much easier, and my own forgiveness just flowed from there. In most of these sorts of cases, it actually made it almost trivial to repair seemingly irreparable relationships by simply taking the time to understand their real motivations and perceptions, and helping them understand my own, so that we can see eye to eye, even if we don’t really agree.
4) Regret is still a difficult one, it’s trivial to think of things that we perceived as going poorly, thinking of some other action we could have taken, and imagine how much better it could have been. The thing is, this simply doesn’t serve any purpose, because we cannot change our past actions, and worse, our prefered action is always looked at through rosy glasses without consideration for how it really might have gone.
My spiffy motto for this is that regret is merely a lesson unlearned. Look back at situations in your past where you feel regret and, rather than writhing in it as a “negative emotion”, turn it toward something positive. What poor decision did we make? Would our prefered action really have been that much better? Sometimes, with some honest thought, it becomes clear that what we really wanted may not have turned out as good as we wanted. Regardless, for every single regret I’ve had in my life, without exception, once I really evaluated it and learned every lesson I felt like I could, the regret simply vanished and I felt at peace with it.
5) Forgiveness and apologies are huge, but our society looks at them like a two-way street which is about the worst way to look at it. Quite simply put, we can forgive someone, even if they haven’t or won’t apologize, and we can apologize, even if it isn’t accepted. The important part here is realizing that it is actually two distinct parts, rather than one larger one.
The simple lesson to learn here is that any time we feel we’ve wronged someone, we should give a sincere apology, even if that person doesn’t accept it or, in fact, doesn’t even feel it is warranted. Similarly, any time we feel we’ve been wronged, we should sincerely forgive, even if that person won’t apologize or doesn’t think they did anything wrong. The key part, however, is to ensure that the apology or forgiveness are done sincerely, otherwise it doesn’t do anything, so don’t simply apologize or forgive because you feel pressured or because you think it’s been long enough… sometimes it takes time, even a long time, just make sure you strive toward it.
The more generalized lesson here is that, in fact, all facets of relationships are like this. Sometimes relationships are in the past because someone felt wronged or felt like they were wrong or whatever. Even if that person is no longer in your life, you can still create that state of grace on your end, even though they cannot respond. Amazingly, this does a lot to help put these things in perspective and put one at peace with them.
Now, through all of this, I still have progress to make in some aspects on these things, and there’s probably others that I have forgotten, but I hope they’ll be useful to someone. Regardless, these are NOT easy lessons to learn, even when they make good sense intellectually, they’re ultimately a much more experiential type of lesson. Moreso, some of them took a great deal of prayer, meditation, and introspection to get to the point where I am myself, and yet, the farther I get, the farther I realize I can go. Either way, it seems to me that the biggest step is in realizing the issue and in resolving to make a difference.
That’s a really good point - everything that everyone has espoused in this thread involves YOU making efforts - none of this comes on its own. The good news is that it’s within your own power to make changes.
So if the problem is not resolved it’s his own damn fault! This kind of glurge is not very helpful. Not all problems have satisfactory solutions. Some times we just live with things as they are. Telling people all things are possible borders of the cruel.
It wouldn’t be helpful to tell him that he is going to feel the way he feels now for the rest of his life, and there’s no hope of feeling better (and that’s not true, anyway). I didn’t say that two sessions of CBT would fix everything and have him singing down the street; I said that it’s within his power to make changes, and I stand by that.
My point was, you don’t know if that is true or not.
This isn’t the sole cause of shame, inadequacy and vulnerability. It’s just one hurdle.
There is also the feeling that since you got screwed over once, there is a good chance the situation might come up again and you won’t be able to handle it. That’s where most of the feelings of inadequacy come from. Not from the fact that something happened, but because you couldn’t handle the situation and it might happen again.
Then there is also the bitterness that comes from watching everyone with happy childhoods accomplish things so effortlessly, and the frustration of not being able to explain to them why somethings aren’t so easy for you.
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First: The secret? Recognize* there is no secret*. There is no new insight that will change your mindset. You feel the way you feel.
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Second: Recognize that your main goal should NOT be “feeling less angry at those people” but instead should be “I want to take better care of myself”
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Third: The best way to take care of yourself…is to start taking care of yourself. Simple as it may sound, do the following: Limit or eliminate alcohol, caffeine and junk foods; exercise strenuously at least 3x per week; and make sure you do something that “gets you in the zone” at least 30 minutes a day - could be a video game, playing an instrument, reading a good book, meditation - something you enjoy that “takes you away” - that’s it (could be writing in a journal, per even sven). The tricky part is sticking with these habits for a few years - committing to taking better care of yourself, as we all know, is very hard.
Again, there is no secret. Find a way to take care of yourself and, over time, you will grow into a perspective that gives you some release and/or a routine that enables you to cope when the feelings hit you (which at times, they will…they always do).
**newcomer **- no words can capture that inhumanity; I wish you strength from day to day.
I get the feeling we’re talking past each other here; of course Wesley has the power to make changes in his life. Making changes and feeling better doesn’t mean that he isn’t acknowledging that there are indeed things he can’t change, but there are certainly things that he can change, and I encourage him to do so.
One can ALWAYS make changes. That’s not to say that everything that is wrong in one’s life can be turned into a wondrous blanket of joy, but there is always something that can be done to improve a situation, even if it is just one’s own outlook. Afterall, that’s pretty much all you can change.
For instance, say one loses their arm in a horrible accident. Obviously, blowing smoke up their butt that life will eventually be just like it was before the accident is a waste of time. However, wallowing in self-pity about how one’s life is over because one isn’t sure that he can overcome the obstacle is defeatism. One can still learn from that experience and still improve on that situation to get to a point where one can be content with their new lot in life. Hell, we even see situations like Hawking who, despite his body being virtually useless, is still able to make significant contributions, where he easily could have given in to despair.
It’s not about “fixing” things, it’s about making small steps toward improve one’s life, and the world as a whole, and coming to peace with those things that will take time to improve, possibly not even in a meaningful way within one’s life time. The problem with deciding a “satisfactory” solution is precisely that it ignores the growth process that comes between. For instance, if a relationship ends and one thinks the only satistfactory solution is to do whatever it takes to get back with that person, that is likely unachievable. Instead, if one uses it as an opportunity to learn and grow from the mistakes made, then one can actually achieve an end that is ultimately preferable to what one originally thought was best.
This is a difficult one to overcome, and I think everyone falls into it from time to time. But I feel like this very much falls into the sort of regret situation I mentioned in a previous post. These feelings aren’t bad at all, they’re a sign that there is an emotional injury and it needs to be attended to. Pains don’t exist just to cause us misery, they exist to warn us of injury, and if they’re ignored, the injuries very well may get worse. These are opportunities to learn and grow, and when we’ve addressed that injury, and achieved that growth, the pain will go away in time.
This is actually a very good point, and it’s difficult to overcome, but realizing that it’s just a matter of perspective makes overcoming it a lot easier. Essentially, it’s easy to overlook the struggles of other people, especially when so many people don’t broadcast their life’s struggles publically, and where they may even, in fact, have easy success in some areas, they likely have enormous difficulties in others.
This became clear to me when people have mentioned how something is easier for me than for them, particularly with my academic success or my level of fitness, but what they don’t see is just how much work and, more importantly, maintain motivation that goes into it. They also don’t see the hidden struggles in other areas that result from high levels of stress, self-confidence issues, depression, and other things that go along with that. We don’t see these things because we generally only share them with those to whom we’re closest, if with anyone.
As such, judging one’s success based upon the success of others is always a losing proposition. For instance, judging my “success” in my career because someone else doing the same sort of job makes more money makes no sense. Hell, I could be the lowest paid person doing my job, but as long as I am satisfied and I make enough money to maintain a comfortable lifestyle, why should I care if I perceive someone else to have it better? I have no way of knowing how accurate my perception is; in fact, it’s probably extremely inaccurate in that regard. Moreso, if I’m happy, why does it even matter? If I’m not happy, that should be enough motivation on its own, without comparison to the lives of other people.
I think one step to getting over the bitterness is to realize that even if most people haven’t gone through the exact sort of injustice or trauma that you’ve gone through,
most people have had some kind of hardship in life. Since most people don’t like to talk about the worst moments in their life, it may seem that others had it easier when it’s really just that you don’t know what they’ve gone through.