You have placed your absolute trust in this person and they have broken it
The pairing could create children. If the woman cheats, the man may raise a child he thinks is his own under false pretenses. If the man cheats, now there are a 3rd and 4th party involved with him that the woman has to either deal with forever or get out.
It could kill you. They could get HIV and give it to you.
Seriously, msmith537, how could you think that cheating is not a big deal? If you don’t care if your woman screws around with other men, and she doesn’t care if you screw around with other women, and you have discussed the matter to both party’s satisfaction, then you have an open relationship and it’s not cheating. If the above does not apply and you screw around, then you are a cheater and you are scum. IMHO.
When I was writing the above post, I asked myself that question. How do I know? How do I really know? I just do, I guess. I could always tell when a guy was cheating on me, even if they were a good liar. And my husband is NOT a good liar.
When I was working last summer, we would call each other two, three or four times a day. We drove six hours each to meet halfway on some weekends. When I was in Oxford we would spend a couple of hours each night on Yahoo Messenger, with our webcams set up and microphones plugged in. I would study, he would play on his computer. When he’s on his business trips he would call me every night, morning, lunch, and sometimes during the day.
This is just the kind of relationship we have. In constant contact, every day. Just got off the phone with him actually. He’s doing fine, although he doesn’t want to go to the meeting this afternoon. He’s got a lot of stuff to do, and it’s too beautiful of a day to be stuck in a dark room with his coworkers. He’s going to try to weasel out of it, but knowing him, he will probably go anyway – because he’s a good guy. He doesn’t call in to work sick because it’s against his personal code of ethics. I won’t say he never lies, but I’ve seen him writhe in shame when he does.
I know my husband better than I know myself. I would bet my life on the fact he’s never cheated on me.
What specific things did you learn from this? That you were capable of cheating?
That you could justify doing it under the “right” circumstances?
What are the “right” circumstances?
What does being more/less judgemental have to do with it?
First of all, I don’t think it’s okay to be dishonest with someone you love, if you’re in a serious relationship, whether you’re married or not. Cheating is fundamentally dishonest. If I’m not happy in a relationship, I’ll get out of it before I start something with someone else. And as Little Bird said, there are negative consequences, including babies and STDs. The person who’s being cheated on loses a lot, even when they don’t know about it–it still hurts your relationship when they don’t know.
It’s very painful to find out that someone has cheated on you–it’s much more painful than just a “bruised ego.” Why would you want to do that to someone you say you love? Or even someone you loved at one time, but don’t really love now? Even if your relationship is basically over and you just haven’t made the break yet, they might not realize that, and it’s way more painful to find out that you’ve been cheated on than to just end the relationship.
It’s BS for anyone to say that they’re only cheating because circumstances forced you to. You have control over your actions, and you can choose not to. If you didn’t want to cheat, you wouldn’t do it.
Minor nitpick here. Box wine comes in a box, not a bottle. Although I did like the image of a bottle of wine made from boxes.
Getting back to the topic at hand, I’ve never cheated. My wife has never cheated (so far as I know) but we have discussed under what situations we’d find it ok to involve someone else. It’s not cheating if you’ve got permission, is it?
I have never cheated on my wife, nor do I see myself doing so. Just the thought of seeing her cry would kill any desire i might be feeling at the moment.
With various girlfriends along the way I was not such a good boy.
One case in particular LTR 5 years (lets call her “Flower”), lived together for about 2 of that. Once we moved in she made several comments to the effect that nobody else would ever want me…etc. etc. In this case it was ego/revenge. A I just had to know for my own sanity if I was really that “unattractive”. After a few months of dialing up the flirting and charm a little bit with various aquaintances and coworkers yeilded an encounter with a wonderful woman. I ended up breaking up with Flower after about 9 months of seeing the new woman and trying to make something more permanent with the new one. I ended up proposing , she declined…died kinda quick after that.
Within a month of me and Flowers breakup several women I knew via Flower (coworkers, sorority sisters, etc) called checking on how I was doing, and mentioned that they would love to see me sometime.
I ended up dating several of her of her various friends and coworkers. Apparently she had been bragging to her friends that:
A: I was totally wonderful and sweet and a great lover
B: A good cook
C: Totally whipped and that she didn’t have to do anything. All she had to do was whine a little and I would give her whatever she wanted.
Apparently just about everyone she knew thought she was a platinum plated bitch and wondered for several years when I was going to get sick of her and dump her.
Maybe I wasn’t clear in the OP, but I wasn’t asking who didn’t cheat and wouldn’t cheat. The fact that there exist some people who would never cheat does not mean that there aren’t others who would cheat under the right circumstances.
The question remains:
Basically, I’d like to hear from people who were not planning on cheating and were generally against such a thing, but something happened and they ended up cheating anyway. I want to see how prevalent this is.
According to the replies so far, Shana is the only one to have done so, and possibly Silver Serpentine’s guy (though we don’t know if Silver Serpentine’s guy was actively looking for the opportunity)
Maybe people who have done so (i.e. are generally against it but somehow ended up doing it anyway) have feelings of remorse (as opposed to people who actively sought it out), and so may be embarassed to admit to it on this board. So our poll may be biased towards under-reporting this phenomenon.
Anyway, would still like to hear more from people like Shana, and if possible, some indication of what made the circumstance “right” (which could serve as a warning to others)
So you want to hear about people like Shana? I’ve got one then. I was married, and for me pretty happy, though the ex never really seemed to care much for me. I never saw her as I would get up for work around 5:30, get home around 5 at night. She, even though she worked much closer, as in 4-5 miles down the road, never came home. Hell on our last anniversery and her birthday I didn’t even see her.
So I ended up meeting a woman on the train to work. Soon enough I ended up moving out and in with this woman. In the end the ex didn’t even try and work things out, though she told everyone else, the judge included, that she did. Now I know I really shouldn’t have done it. That’s the thing I regret in the end, not the leaving, since she didn’t seem to want me around, but the cheating and the way I left.
I can’t say I’d never do it again, but I don’t think that the problems that I had would leave first, the cheating just caused way to many problems for me.
I’ve cheated but not on a marriage, and not in my present relationship.
I don’t think cheating is right, but I also have a hard time believing human beings are *really * monogamous. I think it’s absolutely wrong to cheat on a marriage, but not so wrong to cheat on other kind of relationships - better to get that stuff out of your blood, IMO, before you settle down for a life commitment.
Since the OP seems like he/she wants a survey of people I will chime in.
I always wondered this about myself. I always liked to think I wouldn’t cheat but always wondered what would happen if thrust in that situation.
Then one day…
I was propositioned by someone from work (a big company) who knew I was married, she was married and wanted an affair-type relationship. She was dang attractive also. Things like that don’t happen to me. I’m not overly ugly (I think) but I’m not the type of guy women day-dream about sleeping with I’m sure.
Did I mentioned that I found her smokin hot?
No hesitation…no doubt…nothing. No way I was going to do it. I surprised myself at how there wasn’t any doubt at all. All I could think about was how I loved my wife, my commitment to her and how I couldn’t hurt her.
As I have said elsewhere, I have cheated. However, it was something that came after much misery and struggle in the primary relationship, and had nothing to do with suddenly finding myself in a tempting situation. I will also say that I would not cheat on my current SO even if I did find myself in the hypothetical “perfect” situation.
I’m female, FWIW.
Not sure what you’re referring to, but, overall, I had assumed that many people who have strayed did so without prior plans to do so, without seeking it, and even while having negative feelings towards cheating.
This thread shows that that behavior is exceedingly rare, so it seems that the non-jealous worldview (see the OP) is more accurate.
Would that really count as “cheating,” though? I mean, assuming you don’t make it a habit to regularly visit the place and find the same masseuse every time…
It really depends on what stage you are in your relationship. I mean if you’ve been dating some girl for a few months and meet someone else you like, why not go after it? Are you going to marry this girl? Who knows? You might even like the new girl better.
And especially if you are in high school or college. Think of it like this. I could have banged one of my coworkers in high school but I didn’t because I didn’t want to “cheat” on my then girlfriend of a few weeks. What would it have mattered 15 years later if I did?
I don’t know. I know some guys who exhibit scumbag behavior and basically lead secret lives behind their girlfriends or wife/husbands back. Other guys, they get a lap dance at a strip club or talk to an ex in a club and I get an hour long whine-fest of “I hope my GF will forgive me”.
My post was written very late and I was quite tired…I don’t think I was terribly articulate. To clarify to Quicksilver and others who were confused as to what exactly I learned…
Well, mostly I learned that I am not impervious to human fallibility. I majorly screwed up. I hurt someone that I cared about. Granted, he hurt me too, but that was not an excuse for my behavior. That didn’t make it right in any way, shape or form.
I remember giving advice to various friends who had cheated. I stood in judgement of them (at least, in my head anyway) thinking that I would NEVER do that. (Nooo, I was a good girl. I would never do something so underhanded. I was raised with proper morals.) It was very easy for me to think I would never cheat on my boyfriend when things were going well with us. We were best friends. We shared everything and trusted eachother implicitly…but after 5 years together things started to unravel. I got sick with a chronic illness. His dad died. The passion died. We died. Really, there are too many reasons to enumerate… I didn’t think it could happen, but it did. We both let it happen. Relationships are like houseplants. If you neglect them and refuse to nourish them…they croak. There, how’s that for a late night analogy? (Yup, I think I should most definitely be asleep)
If it sounded like I was justifying my behavior in my post, well, I’m sorry. I guess I was just trying to explain that there were certain variables that led me to cheat at that particular time in my life. The “affair” didn’t last long. I broke it off and told my boyfriend. I will never forget the devastated look on his face… I’d like to think I’m wiser now. That I’m more aware of the flawed logic that led me to cheat in the first place…but I’m not ever going to say that “I am not capable of such and such” again. I don’t know that. All I do know is that I am not above it all. I am not somehow exempt from the pitfalls of humanity. I can fuck up with the best and the worst of them. That is why I said it was very humbling. Like I said, I am happily married now…but I will always remember that experience. I don’t ever want to forget it as much as it shames me to think of it. It keeps me conscious.
There may be those who can say they won’t cheat with absolute certainty. My hat goes off to them and I admire them. However, I can only speak for myself.
In all honesty, if I were that tempted to cheat, then my relationship with my SO isn’t working for me. But that’s a whole other story.
I’d rather break up with my SO, then start a new relationship with the new person than cheat. It’s better to end things instead of getting your life complicated with cheating and hurting your SO’s feelings, etc. My boyfriend feels the same way. We’d rather break up, or take a break and date other people than say “I love you, I would never cheat on you” then sneak behind each other’s back. Honesty is (most of the time) the best policy. And this rule works for us.
Elysian, you’ve basically described my LTR (2 years) with my SO - and I’m afraid I’ve cheated on her, and she has no idea. And I’m a bad liar, too.
Backstory: we live 150 miles apart due to attending different colleges (we are originally from the same area and met in my last year of high school). I know that’s nothing in US terms, but it’s quite a lot for little old England, particularly as neither of us own a car and public transport is pretty expensive on a student budget. Still, we manage to meet once every two or three weeks in term-time, and nearly every day during vacations.
We have had very few “problems” so far, just the odd minor argument, and I definitely love her and can see oursleves together indefinitely - and she feels the same way, I think. So what I did was inexcusable, and I feel really bad about it.
The first time was at a house party, I’d had way too much to drink, and when this attractive girl came on to me I just couldn’t resist. I hadn’t seen my gf for two weeks and wouldn’t be seeing her again for another week, so I guess I was missing the, er, physical side of things. Fortunately (thank heaven for small mercies), some friends at the party informed her of my non-single status, so it was nothing more (ha!) than a little necking and groping. However, my gf and I would definitely view that as cheating.
I rationalised this as a one-off, due to the factors I mentioned above, and I decided no good could come from me owning up to my gf, for either of us, so I kept quiet and she doesn’t suspect. Unfortunately (stupidly), however, almost the identical thing happened again at a ball I went to recently. I won’t describe it because it really was the same as the above in every respect. This time, though, the (different) girl, who wasn’t quite as drunk as the first had been, kept declaring how she’d fancied me from the moment she first saw me, and kept pressing me as to whether I felt the same. Like a fool, I said yes (lying), but when we adjourned from the dancefloor to the hallway to go to the bathroom (not together, I think, but who knows what may have happened), having enjoyed similar physical contact to the above case, I realised, in the cold light of day, that I couldn’t go through with this, and told her so, and why. She was pretty upset about it (more than I expected/hoped, and I really didn’t know what to say. I can honestly say that I have never felt so uncomfortable in my life, though my sadness was mixed with relief that I was getting off relatively lightly. I just kept apologising for leading her on, and eventually she went back to dance.
So now I feel more than twice as bad as I felt after the first time, since I can’t even say it was a one-off. My only additional defence for the second occasion was that I was desperately trying to escape the attentions of a male acquaintance coming on to me (not that I’d definitely rule out that sort of thing - I just don’t find him attractive). But that’s no excuse, really. And of course it’s now even harder to admit it to my gf, since one “moment of madness” may not have destroyed our relationship, two probably would. I really don’t want that to happen, so what can I do but keep quiet and make sure it DEFINITELY doesn’t happen again. I can’t deny that this is influenced by the fact my gf is extremely unlikely to find out otherwise; the only witnesses to both indiscretions don’t even know her name.
Sorry about the excessive length and self-pity - I should probably have started my own thread, but it is highly relevant to the OP. Three conclusions can be drawn from this sorry tale:
