Now hold on there! Who said anything about starting a NEW relationship? Sometimes people just want to have a little meaningless fun on the side.
I don’t understand this need for some people to be “honest” when they cheat. If you are going to cheat, live with it. You aren’t going to help matters by coming clean with your SO. At best you’ll hurt their feelings and at worst they will hold it over your head like emotional blackmail for the duraction of your relationship.
Thank you! If it is a one-night stand, and you took every precaution, don’t effing tell me about it. I would rather not know than have to forgive you. Don’t come whining to me about your mistake, making yourself feel better and me feeling like shit because you had to “come clean”. It’s *your * mistake, *you * deal with it. If you want to continue to make this relationship work, then do so, but don’t dump all that baggage on us both.
I don’t understand this need for some people to be “honest” when they cheat. If you are going to cheat, live with it. You aren’t going to help matters by coming clean with your SO.
Except that you are taking away the choice of the individual you cheated on. I don’t need to stay with a cheater. I can easily find someone with a non-cheating personality-so in that sense, someone who was dating me and cheating on me is taking away my choice to find someone that better fits my needs. The fact that you’re not revealing your mistake doesn’t mean that it doesn’t affect your SO. YMMV, maybe some people have low enough self-esteem that they live in a don’t ask-don’t tell world but I would want to know so I could hustle on out of there to something better.
I’ve been the other woman, both knowingly and unknowingly, enough times to not want to do that to someone. The one time I did, I think it wasn’t technically cheating, even though I felt horrible.
I was in a long-distance pseudo-relationship with a boy who just wasn’t ready for any kind of commitment. We had been together, broken up, gotten back together, and broken up already, and I moved back home because I had no reason to stay where I was once we were through.
After a couple months apart, frequent visits, and many hours on the phone, he tells me he wants me back. So, we’re back together, but still living apart. The day after we reinstate our relationship, he tells me he hooked up with some random girl he met on the train home from visiting his Dad, and I just don’t know what to do. That night, I went to a friend’s house, got drunk, and proceeded to hook up with a guy I’d had a huge crush on for years. But when push came to shove, I wasn’t able to go through with it. I started crying and freaked out. To his immeasurable credit, the guy I was getting my revenge with immediately stopped everything and comforted me in a more platonic manner. Maybe you see why I had such a crush on him. 
Three weeks later, I moved 400 miles to be with the boy I thought was the love of my life. Two days after that, he dumped me.
Fast forward another four years, and I finally got around to sleeping with the other guy I’d had such a big crush on. 
I must say, it was worth the wait.
So while I can’t say I’ll never do it, I don’t think I’m cut out for cheating.
I thought this was going to be a thread about cheating on tests! That’s something I did do once “when the circumstances were right”…I had been given an extra few minutes to finish up the test, I was alone in the room, and it seemed soooo easy to flip the book open to check that one fact I could almost remember…
But as soon as I got it open to the right page, I was suddenly overcome by near-crippling guilt. I cried about it later, and felt horrible for days. So if I ever cheated on a person, I’d probably wind up committing seppuku.
Luckily (!), I don’t have anyone to cheat on so the situation is unlikely to arise anytime soon.
Fair enough. That helps.
I’m still struggling with the entire thing though… but that’s my deal. 
Thanks.
I would absolutely want to know. I’ve cheated on someone exactly once, and I’ve been cheated on exactly once (so far as I know). In both cases, it was the ex- factor that did us in. I never thought I would ever cheat on someone, and then I was a few months into a new relationship, ended up in a series of encounters that put me and the ex in an extremely awkward situation, and we ended up in bed together. It absolutely freaked her out (she was with another guy at the time) and it freaked me out. We never thought we were such people. Sometimes circumstance, teenage hormones (I was 18, she 17), and emotions afire get the best of us.
I really, really don’t think I could ever do it again. But after that experience, after completely surprising myself with my actions, I don’t think I could ever be 100% sure.
When I was cheated on, it was similar. And I suspected it, and I really wanted to know. I don’t think I would have even cared that much at the time had she told me. It was a one-week fling with her exboyfriend (who lived in a different country) and I knew something must’ve happened, but she denied it over and over. So I finally dropped it. When I found out two years later (emails, long story…) it completely fucked with my sanity. I completely trusted this person. Completely. It would have been far easier for me to deal with her telling me about the infidelity (and, like I said, I really would have just written it off as a one-time fling. It would be a bit hypocritical of me not to understand the circumstance given the fact that I had once given into temptation.) Knowing that someone could lie to my face for two years is what completely pissed me off.
Someone far cleverer than me said it first, but I think some of you will agree with the sentiment: “It feels bad to be deceived, but it’s worse to become undeceived.”
Wow i totally don’t get that. If someone cheats on me it stops being their decision wether they want to “continue to make this relationship work”. In fact it means “relationship is over”, and the sooner i find out the better. Its not about making either person feel better or worse, its about wether the person who was cheated on should continue on a relationship under false assumptions.
That’s kind of why people keep it a secret from their SO.
you say that now, but you never know. i myself haven’t cheated, but i’ve been the other woman, and in a million years i never would have thought i would do it.
If possible, could you tell us what the circumstances were that resulted in you becoming the other woman, since you never expected such a thing?
I doubt I would ever cheat on my husband. Honestly, I would rather die than hurt him. And if he ever hated me (as he’d have every right to do) I would die. There is one person in my life right now who I want. If he offered, I would resist, the same way I’m resisting cigarettes right now even though I desperately crave one.
well…i was seeing this guy on again and off again for a couple years. he got engaged, and apparently was having a lot of trouble with his fiance. i had just ended a very long and intense relationship, so i think we were both kind of lonely. HOWEVER, i just thought we were fooling around. i thought i made that clear. however a day after christmas he called me to tell me that while at his soon to be inlaws house he had a breakdown and told her he couldn’t marry her. and it was because there was someone else. now i was not interested in starting up anything again with him (i mean it hadn’t worked the many times before, so i didn’t think it was going to magically work now) so long story short, he thought i wanted more, i thought it was just because we were both in a crappy relationship place. the worst thing is that his family loved me and THEY thought we were going to be together. i tried it once again, but about two weeks after this he started talking about marriage with me, and i put a stop to it right then and there.
moral of the story: DON’T CHEAT, OR BE THE OTHER “PERSON” only bad things will come of it. he didn’t get back together with her, and is with someone else now. he’s happier, so i guess in retrospect it wasn’t completely horrible. but still if i ever saw his ex fiance on the street i would have to hide out of complete and utter guilt. well that’s my story and i’m sticking to it.
you know it’s hard. i would NEVER be able to cheat on my boyfriend, because of exactly what you said. it would hurt him so much, but it’s always that moral question of what if the oppurtunity presented itself. especially if it was with someone that you had that connection with in another relationship, or durning another point in your life. i would like to think that i could be totally and completely faithful. but honestly, who knows until you are there. now i’m NOT SAYING i would ever (draelin hehe) but i’m just making the point that you never really know for 100% absolute certain. maybe i’m a bad person, but i’m just being realistic.
No.
Married almost 24 years. I must either be ugly or stupid (I’d prefer stupid, how shallow) but I was only aware of one time that it could even, maybe, perhaps, remotely, been a possibility. Ok, she was making it pretty evident, and while it was nice and flattering and all that… it was not even on the radar as a possible for me.
In response to the OP
When I cheated on ex-boyfriends, and I cheated a lot, opportunity had nothing to do with me cheating.
I was with my former fiance for 6 years and cheated on him 4 times, all of which were “extended” (month or more) affairs. I had no intention of marrying this guy, I just didn’t have the spine to end the relationship and I released my frustration in affairs. All 4 were mutual attraction kind of things and I would make the opportunity to see the other person.
As far as jealous SO’s go, you are not going to prevent a cheater from cheating by monitoring their every move. If they want to cheat, they will find a way. To some people (myself formerly included) the sneaking around only adds to the excitement.
So what should you do to prevent this…I have no idea.