I’ll admit I have been the other guy before. Maybe a couple of times actually. I didn’t really feel bad about it at the time as I didn’t know the main guy at all. I didn’t actually think much of it at all besides it being a good time.
I’ve also been cheated on before with a girl and one of my friends. I was furious when that happened and did a lot of stupid shit I wish I hadn’t done.
I feel a bit ambiguous about the whole concept. On the one hand, I think I would leave my partner if she ever cheated on me. On the other, I would say, “It’s ok. You screwed up. No big deal. Just don’t do it again. I care about you enough to see past this one mistake.” Of course, I don’t have a partner as of now so that’s easy for me to say.
Feel free to draw from past relationships and not just your current one.
And I don’t mean this in a threatening way at all, but you should be careful about being the “other guy.” People KILL over this kind of stuff. You said yourself that you were furious when it happened to you and that you did a lot of stupid shit that you regret. Not everyone has your level of restraint. So if the simple immorality of the whole mess doesn’t bother you, maybe you should care that you don’t wind up maimed or killed.
The whole “It’s ok. You screwed up,” and seeing past this “one mistake” thought process is IMHO naive. Unless you have a very non-traditional view on marriage (and I know quite a few people on this board do), it is NOT that easy. Betrayed spouses often have symptoms of PTSD, they lose weight, can’t sleep, have disturbing “mind movies,” can’t function at work, etc. Think about it… The one person in the world you thought you could trust, that supposedly loved and cared about you, just tossed you aside without regard for what they promised. For most people, it hurts, and it hurts a lot. For me it was the worst I have ever felt, including losing my dad to cancer.
No, I have never cheated; however, I have managed to forgive cheating. That being said, the behavior is immoral and it disgusts me (for either the cheater or the “other person”). A mature person in a traditional marriage is committed to their partner, and doesn’t betray them because they meet someone that is super attractive, things are rough at home, or for any other reason. They have self control, and they don’t cheat.
Duly noted, Pyromyte. Try to keep in my mind that all of my transgressions happened in my early 20’s and no one was married. That is why I said partner, and not spouse. Of course, we are free to talk about either in the thread. Just wanted to clarify as you kept referring to spouse and marriage.
Eh. Technically, I did when I was 20. But realistically the ridiculous part of the whole situation was us calling it a relationship at all. I don’t think I ever have when it would really count, and I’m not just being self-serving deciding when it would.
One dude that I know of did cheat on me. I found out because dude took my car and refused to return it, I reported it stolen, car was recovered with his cell phone in it, and I looked at his phone and talked to the girl. Girl was an idiot and tried to take his side against me even though I was being completely civil with her and just telling her what was going on, so her stupid ass was all threatening me and I ignored it, and soon after he cheated on her. Early 20s
One other time also in my early-20s, a dude cheated WITH me, and when I found out he had a girlfriend I told her, also making it very clear that I was just trying to clue her in and had absolutely no problem with her, and she was very mature about it. Later I told the dude that she seemed cool, and he said that she said I seemed cool too. I’ve never fought over a man in my life and I never will.
She was married to an abusive alcoholic who had beat the crap out of her multiple times. I knew she would never leave her husband unless she had someone else to go to.
She met a super nice guy who would have done anything for her. When she would go out with the nice guy she’d tell her husband she was with me. He never asked but I would have lied for her.
Unfortunately she broke it off with the nice guy and stayed with the abusive asshole.
I guess I cheated on an ex.
He was constantly accusing me of cheating, like over the top accusations. He even accused me of having sex with my uncle and my own mother.
One day an ex called and invited me out and I told him no.
The one I was dating said he knew I was talking to another man and that I was cheating on him.
So I said fuck it, if I have to hear this shit I may as well deserve it. I called the ex back and asked him if the offer was still open and went out with him.
I broke up with the jealous jerk the next day.
So I guess I technically cheated since I didn’t break up with him until after the date, but I wouldn’t have cheated at all if he hadn’t been such a asshole about it. Not that that excuses it but enough is enough.
People who have been cheated on go on rants about how people who cheat are HORRIBLE HORRIBLE HORRIBLE PEOPLE WHO SHOULD NEVER BE TRUSTED EVER EVER EVER.
Meanwhile, people who have cheated on a SO/spouse admit that they shouldn’t have done that, but…they were drunk/they weren’t getting any from their SO/they were in love with the Other Person/the Other Person was just so hot they couldn’t resist/they were immature and were stupid/other justification.
And the cheatees refuse to acknowledge that cheaters aren’t always horrible people who are singlehandedly condemning an innocent person to a Lifetime Of Pain, and cheaters refuse to acknowledge that their justifications are usually pretty damn slim, and everyone shouts past each other.
And those of us who’ve been on both sides and can see both sides are roundly ignored by both sides.
My ex-wife cheated on her first husband with me. I knew she was married but didn’t care (for what its worth, she convinced me that it was over and did actually end up leaving him for me.)
We were together only about a year and a half (with a new baby) when she cheated on me the first time. It was tough, but I kind of figured it was just karma getting me back. For the sake of our son (and other reasons) I forgave her, we stayed together and I think had a strong marriage (and two more kids).
Twelve years later she cheated on me again. Anyone can screw up once, but at this point she is a serial offender (I found out later that she had cheated on her first husband once before me, so her second affair on me was the FOURTH time she had cheated on her spouse, at least that I know about). I probably would have forgiven again (stupid, but kid’s, ya know?) but she this time she wasn’t willing to break it off and I asked her to move out. She carried on with that guy for a couple months and then left him for someone else.
It took me a while to realize I was better off without her.
No, and no, and never would do either. If things got to that point for me, I’d end the relationship long before beginning any other entanglement. I can’t imagine myself in any situation where leaving would not be an option.
Wait - does “enabling a cheater” mean fucking a married woman while I was not married? The late 70s were a shameful time, and I may need to change my vote.
I was the “other guy” once, though whether it was intentional kind of depends on what you call “knowing” about it. Did I know she had a boyfriend? Yeah. But I was so lacking in self esteem and was so naive that I didn’t really gather that spending five days alone with her at her house wasn’t “just a friendly thing” until she kissed me, and by that point it was too late to do anything about it because she pretty much immediately called him and broke up with him. I still feel terrible about it. I feel less terrible because he was an asshole (and abusive and misogynistic), but in principle I still feel bad that I didn’t realize what was happening and stop it before it happened.
Mad Hatters can often display either the best or the worst post-affair behaviors, both as the betrayer and the betrayee at the same time.
The Mad Hatters I’ve dealt with unfortunately tended to fall into the latter camp. (that is, showing the worst behaviors of betrayer and betrayee all at once.)
I’m glad my current job really doesn’t have me doing much couples work anymore.
I don’t see that there are a lot of “sides” to it. Sure, everyone makes mistakes. Especially when you are younger and stupid or trying to figure out what you want and relationships tend to be more transient.
But what’s the justification when you are a full grown adult in a marriage or other serious relationship? At best a cheater is a flake who can’t get their shit together and figure out what they want. At worst, they are just a narcissistic jerk who really has no excuse besides “I want something and think I’m entitled to it”.
I’m not particularly innocent. I guess I’m just at a point in my life where when my friends in their 30s and 40s complain about how the guy this one is seeing is really going to leave his wife, that one is dating barmaids because he can’t stand his wife, the other one thinks it’s perfectly fine to bang skanky prostitutes while travelling for work or still one more keeps complaining about how they “think they might not be happy” as if laying the groundwork for some future cheating, I have to wonder when these people plan to grow up.
I cheated on girlfriends and I assume some of them cheated on me. But that’s the time to cheat- pre-commitment. I have never cheated on my wife, either during our marriage, our engagement or pre-engagement. Nor would I.
I did, however, fuck a married woman once. I was on a cruise with some friends, so was she, we didn’t know anything about each other except our first names and how each other looked in a bathing suit. One night she pulled me into a bathroom off the Lido deck and we got down to business. I know, classy, right?
