I have fantasized killing somebody; repeatedly, and to the point of feeling how my muscles would have worked as I did it. But I knew I wasn’t going to, so I’m not sure that it counts.
I can’t say for certain that there couldn’t be certain circumstances where I might need to defend myself or protect someone and the worst happens. It’s certainly possible to construct such a scenario.
But in my current state and ethical viewpoint, I would never do it. I have no right, and have no motivation.
I’m not sure how to answer this question. I’ve performed violence, in self defense. I’ve also considered violence that I haven’t performed.
When I was younger, my brother and I talked about killing my stepdad. We never did anything. However, if I should ever meet with my stepdad again, I have some thoughts on that which do not involve his death.
No, never. I’m sure I’m capable of killing someone, I think most of us are, but you’d have to push me pretty far by threatening me or someone I love with death or grievous bodily harm. I’ve been angry at people, really angry, but even then the idea of killing them never crossed my mind.
I’d say it qualifies if
Given your body reacted as it did, I think it counts.
I have never thought about seriously doing violence myself, but I do like looking at carnage befalling some villains in the world who deserve it, such as photos of Russian casualties in Ukraine. I won’t go into graphic description, but some battlefield images are….a doozy.
Most of my violent-but-not-violent thoughts (yes, an oxymoron) delve more into legal fantasies. Like thoughts of penalizing crooked sports referees with heavy fines or jail time for corrupt/wrong calls. I have a considerably stronger distaste for refs than the average sports fan.
I’m surprised there aren’t more people who’ve considered killing their spouse, considering how common spousal murders are, and how many more that don’t get detected. I’d imagine that thought has crossed a lot of minds, if only for a fleeting second. Sometimes for longer without ever turning into an actual plan, much less an actual deed.
Yea, I’m sure this is a good idea to have a list on the internet of those with violent tendencies. What can go wrong?
I’ve read much worse on the Internet than anything revealed here. We’re a drop in the bucket among millions. Although a key difference with us is we know it’s messed up and have some thoughtfulness about it.
Sometimes I wish it were easier to talk candidly about postpartum psychosis. It happens to otherwise healthy women and I know it’s rare but it’s also a very high-risk situation. I wish it were easier to spot and respond to. I truly have no idea what the warning signs would be.
I just remember saying over and over to my husband, “I can’t do this. I can’t do this. I can’t do this.”
And he said, “But you are doing it.”
Which I was. I was going through all the motions. I just felt completely disconnected from what I was doing.
So weird.
And while the symptoms resolved almost immediately after a good night’s sleep, it would take months before I felt really connected to my son. I think that’s more in the range of normal, though. Not every woman is overcome with joy after giving birth. Babies don’t have a lot of personality. Once he started becoming himself, though, I was absolutely smitten, and now I am overcome with gratitude every day that I get to be his Mom.
I’m not thinking of PPD, but more like “Yeah sometimes, I want to kill politicians, and I get the guns all ready, but then the new episode of Walking Dead drops, and I decide to stay home.” “I think about stabbing my wife with the hedge trimmer and burying her body in the petunias.” “I do exact plans of killing this guy at work that bullies me.” I mean, what does the OP think we are going to admit to?
I dunno, I readily admitted to having those thoughts. I don’t think I’m going to end up on some list without acting on them.
While I’ve wished people dead and don’t apologize for it, I’ve never contemplated the act myself.
No. But there was a HS gym teacher that I fantasized finding him hanging by his fingers on the edge of a cliff and I would get a rock and bang his fingers. He was a real piece of work.
I wasn’t looking for specific scenarios (you’ll notice I left my own situation intentionally vague) so much as whether anyone had ever found themselves in something like that mental state, however briefly and to whatever degree. It’s the emotional, mental experience more than what exactly triggers it I’m interested in discussing.
I’d say scabpicker has it right, what I was thinking. And Spice_Weasel has admirably picked up the ball and run with it.
Since we’re confessing…
I can also attest to the violent impulses of PMDD (pre-menstrual dysphoric disorder.) I have that too, though it’s been controlled for most of my life, most of the time, with birth control. It’s important to understand this isn’t just “really bad PMS” it’s a serious psychological disorder. It’s often misdiagnosed as bipolar because it’s two weeks of feeling better than you’ve ever felt in your life to two weeks of hell on earth.
I don’t have impulses to kill anyone, with the possible exception of myself, but man do I want to take a baseball bat to fucking everything in my house and inflinct some kind of emotional revenge. It is exactly like being crazy. Anything my husband does, the slightest, tiniest thing, is siezed upon and ruminated upon like it’s the worst thing anyone had ever done to anyone and oh boy do I want revenge. This is also accompanied with a crushing amount of self-hatred, so it’s this back and forth between punish this terrible man or do myself egregious physical harm.
Of course, I don’t do either. My Mom had it and she acted on those impulses and made everyone’s lives a living hell so I’m very motivated not to be that person. But the last time it happened, like a year ago, I think my husband commented that I had been kinda bitchy and I’m like "Duuuuuuude. Do you have any idea what I WANT to do right now? Do you know how much self control it takes to be “kinda bitchy?” I’ve tried to explain it to him but I think he has no idea because he’s never lived with someone who acted on those impulses.
The last time it happened I ended up on the floor in my closet screaming into a pillow.
It’s bad.
It runs in my family. My great grandmother had it and was institutionalized. My Aunt had it and going through menopause was hell on earth because she said once the doctors took her off birth control she had PMDD all the time. She is the second person in my family to get a hysterectomy by telling the doctor if she didn’t she was going to kill herself. She is the first one to make it to menopause. I should mention endometriosis runs in the family too. Imagine being in endless excruciating pain, bleeding profusely and severe depression and rage pretty much all the time.
That’s my future when I hit menopause.
Or maybe sooner, if Republicans remove access to birth control as they would very much love to do.
I also have a host of physical problems as a result of being on birth control since I was 13. It has totally fucked my hormones. But I don’t have a choice. Without it I’m disabled. Which is terrifying, you know?
It sucks beyond belief to have your physical self attack your individual self (soul, persona, whatever term you prefer). The machinery that totes your self around, gives you access to the world outside, goes haywire and distorts its inputs into a dark, vicious trap for your mind.
Yeah, like, there’s a reason I worried about becoming my Mom sometimes, because I understand something about her experience. Like yes, I too would like to punch a hole in the wall. The difference between us is she went right ahead. She had a lot of other stuff going on too, including Borderline Personality Disorder.
After her hysterectomy her violent episodes became less frequent and might have stopped altogether, but she remained paranoid, obsessive, vindictive, and emotionally abusive. So I know it wasn’t all PMDD.
And even if the worst comes to pass and I have to live that after menopause I still know I’m not her and I’m not going to respond like her, and I have my husband’s support and I think those things prevent me from freaking out too much.
Does it help you to understand the genetic roots of what you’re contending with and to have examples in your maternal line of what can happen without conscious work to overcome it as much as possible? Did your mother comprehend where all her demons were coming from? Your husband’s support, of course, must be a major anchor to reality for you.
That is a very large difference.
I had an experience probably about ten years ago now, where I felt the most intense anger I can remember ever feeling. It took me about 30 minutes to calm myself down. I don’t remember wanting to harm the person that made me so angry, thankfully, but the anger was there and it scared me senseless. The feeling itself was awful and I didn’t know what to do with it.
I never want to feel that way again.