Yes. That’s scary as all hell, to find yourself overtaken by such a powerful negative emotion, something so primal, so detached from reason.
Every day, but I lack means and opportunity.
Never here either.
Certainly I have gotten angry but never considerd serious violence against anyone (and by “serious” I mean putting them in the hospital or killing them). I’ve gotten in a few fights but minor things (bloody nose, fat lip, black eye kinda stuff)
More than once, when my parents were out, I snooped, but I wasn’t looking for pornography, or booze, or higher-end candy.
I was looking for a gun, and if I had found one, I might very well have taken it to school and used it on some classmates who would have had it coming, I don’t care what anyone else says. Didn’t want to kill anyone, just leave them scarred so they would never forget what they did to me.
I’m pretty sure I’ve had a better adult life than any of them.
If it makes you feel better, I’ve been exactly there, down to the details, and the certainty of knowing I wasn’t going to do it.
Didn’t make me happy, did make me worry about myself, and now constantly makes me reconsider both the sources of, and my responses to, deep burning anger.
I once had a very close friend who visited upon me a betrayal that to this day, still leaves me breathless. It took cunning, planning and patience for her to execute her well thought-out plans. My suffering at her hands was great.
The betrayal arose because she blamed me for a personal misfortune that had befallen her. Trouble was, I had absolutely nothing to do with it. And I couldn’t stop it from happening, even though I was aware it was occurring and was a terrible thing to happen to her. I did try.
I had nightmares about it for a long time. For awhile, I indulged in fantasies that contemplated bringing about her demise. My brain went into great detail about it. I was disturbed by where my thoughts would go, but I clearly understood I would never carry out the plans. They were just an involuntary defense mechanism to the enormous hurt I felt at her betrayal. They were part of me processing that.
The thoughts ebbed and flowed, then eventually ceased altogether. It was good to get them behind me.
My brother, who supposedly has CPAP [ eta: whatever the similar breathing disease is called ] (the breathing problem from working likely with asbestos as a contractor in NYC in the 80’s) and I’d been told could barely walk 100 feet without losing breath, came storming into my mother’s house while I was there trying to get it into sellable shape. Apparently, their fucking Ring doorbell revealed the estate seller’s car in the driveway.
He had taken enough steroids, obviously, to charge him up, and he was looking for a fight. His head was big like Barry Bonds so ‘roids and HGH or whatever. He could have just (at first - as his entrance surprised me) just beaten me up. Yet as he was stalking around the house (he has a concealed handgun permit), I parked myself next to a box of stuff where that day I’d used a small prybar to open my old briefcase (after 10 years, no combos worked) and left it in the box. It was inches from my fingers. If he’d drawn a firearm on me or started punching me, I’d have crushed his head. It would have been reflexive, and if one hit didn’t knock him out, I’d keep at it.
Not gonna lie, this had a very “Montresor” vibe to it and I fully expected you to disclose that your friend is currently behind the wall of your wine cellar.
Just a quick reminder, physical violence is not the problem-solver you’d think. Get a restraining order. Call the cops. It sort of spins like you’re hoping he’ll give you “self-defence” as an excuse to hurt or kill home.
Not.
Worth.
It.
Apologies if I’ve read you wrong.
Doc, if you’re replying to me or the general topic (including bricking someone behind a wall) I am with you.
My oldest brother succinctly told me “That would have made the house harder to sell.”
In fact, before I flew into New York I asked an old best friend (who inherited his father’s armory of guns) if I should get a pump action shotgun. He replied pretty much as you did: I quote:
As frustrating as this is, there is nothing that can be settled with a gun
My brother was fortunate. All he did for the rest of my stay was sabotage the locks and send me threatening emails.
LOL!! I do have a fondness for amontillado. 
But no, she is fine, or at least left entirely alone by me. I have an active imagination, but that’s where it ends.
A girl can dream, though.
My mother has lower self-insight than anyone I’ve ever met. In her narrative she was always perfectly in control and she was just trying to scare me into doing what she wanted. Which, like, I was there. She was routinely completely out of control, and when she was in one of her fits, she seemed to enjoy hurting me. She could be really sadistic.
I don’t really believe in dissociative identity disorder (multiple personality) but she became so different when she was raging out, sometimes I wonder if it was some altered state of consciousness. Maybe she has no idea how bad she was because some part of her wasn’t even there.
Nonetheless it wasn’t just her, but like a truckload of people in my life deferred responsibility for their fuck-ups, and I made a commitment not to do that. To take accountability, whatever it was. To face the harder truths. To do the work. And I think that’s the difference between me and my Mom, and everyone else who abused me.
Wow. So hard to break that pattern that surrounded you, so much strength and endurance required, but so rewarding to have accomplished it. Well done.
Wow, I’m pretty laid back and completely non-violent but, you’ve never been angry at anyone? That’s harder for me to imagine than the other extreme.
If they are being an ass I just think its their problem.
But as the saying goes, there is never a policeman round when you need one… and even in the best case a response is probably going to be minutes away.
So what do you do if someone is threatening immediate violence to you or your loved ones?
Ideally of course, you use situational awareness to avoid that arising in the first place; failing that, use the first rule of knife fighting: run like hell!
I thank my lucky stars I heve never been in that situation. But as I’ve said, I would have no moral qualms about using lethal force in self-defence if it seemed the only resort. Given that I’m not a large or strong person: I would not be able to restrain a violent assailant until law enforcement arrived. And an ineffectual attempt at defence might only provoke them. In that situation I would want to shut them down decisively, and there would be no point in half-measures.